Latch'n'Knit

Homebody

2012-02-11T21:36:00.001-05:00

I never really have a problem with being a homebody ...

Except on Saturday nights.

And it's only on Saturdays that this happens.

I am really comfortable being home more than out. I can only find myself entertained for a few hours when I'm out. I enjoy being with other people from time to time, but long for the comfort and, let's be honest, the safety of my apartment, my things, my space.

But Saturdays ... they are the days everyone goes out. So the very few people I most enjoy chatting to aren't around. People go out, or have people over, or socialize, or what-have-you ... and I stay home.

I've said it before, I don't make friends easily. Oh, it's not for any lack of trying ... being naturally funny and polite and social means I draw people to me and get along with them well. But I need to get to know someone really well, trust them, before I call them friend. It means I have more acquaintances than anyone should ever have.

And I hate, and I mean hate the idea of asking people to stick around and talk to me, just because I'm lonely. I mean, I've tried it a few times with S ... but if we have nothing to really say to each other he gets frustrated ... like, he could have been enjoying his one relaxing day with no work and stuff, but he's spending it with me not talking. Sometimes I just want to know someone is there, in case I need them.

So welcome to my pity party. Where I want people to be around, but I fear I would never have anything to say to them if they are.

I just want to know that I'm not alone.

And on Saturday nights, I'm all alone.

~ J

Blame it on my ADD, baby ...

2012-02-08T20:48:00.001-05:00

A month and a bit into 2012, and I don't really have much to say. I've been thinking about posting something for awhile, but there isn't anything urgent I need to post.

Crafty-wise I've been doing a bit and then not so much. I joined a sock KAL and finished the first sock. I also finished the January socks, but I wasn't too thrilled with how they came out. I also knit two hats, both from the same pattern, one being a modification of the pattern in yarns that I love. For February I started the monthly socks, and I'm already on the second sock (loving the pattern). Maybe a hat during reading week, maybe not.

School-wise things are going well, I guess you can say. Classes are really intense this term, but it's not a huge surprise. Unfortunately, some of the classes are really, really boring. 3 theory classes, 2 of them suck. 1 philosophy class with a professor that drones on and on and on. I'm looking forward to March, when midterms are done, papers are mostly done, presentation is prepared ... and I can take a week or two to relax.

Otherwise life is moving along as life moves. I'm preparing for S's arrival next week, as he'll be here for reading week. We don't have many plans ... a visit to my sister's so he can meet Sofia; a possible visit with a near-by cousin, as she's never met him; a fancy dinner (with this killer dress I bought with the mall gift card I got) ... otherwise, I have some midterms to study for, a couple of papers to write, a presentation to research for and some knitting to do. Oh, we'll enjoy our time together ... but life doesn't stop just because we get to be together and after all these years together, we do realize that.

There is something else kinda interesting happening ... and I've be struggling in whether to write about it. I've decided ... not to. We live in a society where EVERYTHING gets put onto social media and online somewhere ... and that's fine, everyone is entitled to do as they please. Since around Christmas I've been pulling back in what I've been posting, leaving it to bowling scores for my dad on FB, or anything I need to get out of my head right away. Otherwise, I'm writing other places ... or, even better, enjoying keeping it in my mind and talking about stuff online or on the phone.

So I'm keeping it to myself, enjoying what it is and just letting it happen as it happens.

~ J

A Recipe?

2012-01-08T16:13:00.005-05:00

Oh yes, I am not known for posting recipes - at all. The cooking/baking awesome-gene seem to have skipped me, and landed all around me.

HOWEVER, I have succeeded (with a big of guidence from the interwebs) in attempting - and perfecting - a smoothie recipe ... ON MY FIRST TRY.

It's called ... well, not sure what to call it. ORANGE STRAWBERRY AWESOMENESS is what it is ... but that's not really a catchy name. Let's just call it TASTY. Or, for those inclined to title things, "Strawberry Delight".

Recipe:
-- 12 oz of orange juice (I used 100% OJ from a bottle, but freshly squeezed would be just as wonderful)
-- 8-10 strawberries of medium size (obviously, this would be to your preference) - I cut them in half for quicker mixing
-- 2 scoops of frozen yogurt (I used a vanilla flavour with huge scoops, but I'm heavy handed like that)
-- 3-4 ice cubes

Frappe (or blend, or liquidfy, or insert-mode-of-mixing-word) until smooth.
Enjoy! ^_^

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T14:09:00.002-05:00

Welcome to 2012!

As I was chatting with S last night, we were talking about 2011 and looking forward to 2012 - you know, during that awkward hour at 11 pm, when the current is clearly over but it's not yet the new year ... and you're in year limbo.

We talked about our favourite memories from the year. I said mine was seeing him in August in NH; he said his was spending time with me in my apartment in May. We talked about our thoughts on the passing year ... and I remarked how unremarkable it felt, considering all that had happened and what was coming up. I mean, 2010 had so many things happening - major, life altering things. 2011, while filled with triumphs, not so many life-altering moments ~ for me, anyways.

We talked about plans and goals for 2012, so I thought I'd list them out here.

2012 Goals

1) This is usually where "lose weight" appears on the list, but it seems so ... typical. I could write tons of different things that all mean the same thing ... but I want to phrase it this way: To make myself healthier - and whatever that entails. I'm thinking of trying yoga, and going more exercise at home. I'm thinking about doing couch to 5k in the spring/summer - and not because I'm scared of freezing, but because I'm scared of slipping on the ice as I walk/run. I want to change my diet and eat better, and while losing weight should be a benefit of this ... I'm more interested in changing my shape, since that's the part of myself I still struggle with.

2) I have some pretty lofty knitting goals this year: 12 pairs of socks in 12 months, 12 hats in 2012 ... all the while keeping up with other projects I wanted to make. Hopefully I can do this and not lose my mind?

3) Speaking of crafting ... this year my goal is to not only learn cross stitching, but complete one kit. If I'm being realistic, this might not be touched until the winter term is done, but I'm excited and looking forward to it.

4) Project 365. I have no idea what I'm going to take pictures of ... but let's see if we can keep it going again this year.

5) Of course, there is 3rd year Crim. While I've accepted that if I don't make it into next year I will have to switch to Sociology, I'm not giving up without a fight.

So these are a few of my goals ... I'm just hoping that 2012 will bring more happy memories and good times.

I love new beginnings.
~ J

What a year it's been!

2011-12-30T13:50:00.002-05:00

I plan on writing a bit more about my thoughts and goals for next year either tomorrow or Sunday, but today I found this extremely cute printable (from Pinterest), and because I don't have access to a printer or scanner, I just filled in my answers on the computer!

Just needed a place

2011-11-01T22:18:00.003-04:00

I know where my thoughts are going ... I know this is going to be a long week ... I know I just need a place to write this down because I need to say it "out loud" (so to speak) and speaking into the void just never cuts it.

I'm slipping back into a horrible depression. The one where that tiny voice gets very loud and points out all the reasons I'm not "anything enough". The one that points out all the bad, wrong things ... those things that, while I've accepted I deal with and I no longer have to attempt for the perfection I know will never happen ... the little things that bug me. Perhaps because I deal with them in silence, perhaps because I worry about them ...

Either way I feel the sting of tears that won't come. Fears and anxieties that won't find words to be expressed. Insecurities that have never really gone away.

S is on the phone with me, wanting to know what's wrong. How can I put this into words that make sense? So many things that circle around and around ... and, in that moment of truth when someone is listening and I can just get it all off my chest ... I choke, because - above all - I'm tired of being pitied. I wish that talking about it could make me feel better, and I wish that I had the strength to pull myself out ... but as I give myself the space to let this take its course, if only for a few days, I worry that I fall deeper and deeper.

I feel so inadequate.
~ J

Bitten by the posting bug

2011-10-26T13:03:00.003-04:00

It seems I've been bitten by a stupid posting bug ... and even though I have nothing really important to say or discuss, I still feel I need to post. What a frustrating feeling.

On my mind today: psychology. Or, in other words: why I will probably never look at anyone the same way ever again.

While the last few chapters in our textbook have been about the boring history of psychology, we're back to things about people. So far I've looked at memory, consciousness and now learning. So I can tell you exactly what I remember certain things and not others; I can tell you exactly what part of my sleep cycle I've likely woken up from on any given night; and now I can explain why you learn some behaviours and not others.

Unfortunately, the camera doesn't always stay inward, so I'm looking at others and applying the same ideas. Most notably S ... because I don't think there is a person in the world that knows him better than I do. Ever. In the history of ever.

Are you following me yet?

Specifically in our Learning chapter, we spoke of B.F Skinner, who - in a nutshell - proposed different ways of learning things through a "reward" or "punishment" system. And thus we can say that the same principles required to train a dog are the same as raising a child (that thought makes me chuckle as I think of the new "children" in my life).

HOWEVER - that type of learning does not stop. It continues well onto the rest of our lives. And so my concern is, that without realizing it, I've reinforce a negative behaviour as acceptable. Basically, that a behaviour I no longer want to accept in my life will be difficult to unlearn, and it might be because I PREVIOUSLY ACCEPTED IT, AND BECAUSE I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN MEANT IT WAS LEARNED AND REINFORCED.

Dude.

So I might have to result to extreme measures to have it unlearned? And the behaviour gets worse before it gets better ... every time.

Dude.

So it might not be you, it might be me?

Dude.

I am feeling disillusioned and utterly defeated.
~ J

Happiness vs Mistakes

2011-10-25T16:42:00.003-04:00

This is coming up quite a bit around me, so I want to reflect on it before I go running around to forums and FB looking for advice.

As it stands, I believe in two things that seem to contradict each other - I believe everyone needs to make their own mistakes, but everyone should be happy. That doesn't seem like they go hand in hand ... except when someone on the outside of the situation can see that something that makes you happy now may be a mistake in the long run.

Being in a LDR meant, and means, that I had/have to take certain risks. I had/have to put faith out in things/people, knowing full well I could be wrong and it might not work out. Sometimes I was right, sometimes I was wrong. Sometimes after things go up in flames someone would say "I knew that was a mistake from the start". Well, then why didn't you say something?? "Well, it was making you happy, and I didn't want to ruin that for you".

So there in lies the problem. On the one hand, I find myself telling people (and have people tell me) that if something I'm/their doing looks like a bad idea to them/me, then I/they would want to know. But no one likes hearing that the thing they're doing right now, the one that makes them happy, might be a mistake.

So my issue is that a few things have come up with a few people in my life that embodies this. What they're doing is making them happy, but I foresee potential problems, and I don't want them to be hurt. Crashing down from happy is a long fall for some, for others they bounce back.

My other concern is I am not always available to be there for those that need it. Right now I need to take care of myself, to figure out my goals and what I need to do to work towards them.

So I'm torn down the middle. Tell people they might be making a mistake, and face that wrath; or have to be ready to help with the pieces as needed, and put my things on the back burner to be able to help. And it's not that I want to ruin anyone's happiness (far from it, I believe everyone deserves a HUGE slice of happy), and it's not that I don't want to be there for people (because I love helping and wish I could help more) ... it's just that people say they want to be told when things might be bad ... but I feel like they really don't.

I'm frustrated because I don't know what to do. I have so few support systems I don't want to push any away. At the same time, I don't have the emotional energy to deal with some things any more ... because few are there for me when I need them, and few understand (or even bother to try and understand) ... and I'm tired of being alone, and dealing with things alone, and did I mention being alone?

Blarg. Life is too complicated sometimes, and I no longer want to deal with it.
~ J

10 Day Assignment ~ Day Ten

2011-10-23T13:04:00.002-04:00

Day Ten: One Confession.

The final day. I've been giving this one quite a bit of thought, wondering if I really do have a confession to make. I've decided that I don't have one big one (that I can share in a PG blog), but a bunch of little ones - ones so small that they're easy to guess. Ones that don't mean things in the long run, but confessions none-the-less.

Confessions:
-- I'm worried that because I haven't picked a career path yet that my gut is telling me that crime isn't the way to go
-- By the same token, I'm wondering if sexuality is the way to go. I could see myself researching and studying sex; I think it would be very fascinating!
-- Secretly, I want to be treated like a princess and showered in gifts, though I'm not supposed to admit it, and never want to expect it.
-- I am more lonely than I have been admitting to people
-- I wish I was prettier
-- Sock yarn is my crack
-- Sometimes I don't want to put the effort into studying, or knitting, or anything really
-- I wish things were simpler, less complex and just easier
-- I want to believe in fairy tales
-- I may have eaten 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours - and I don't entirely feel sad about it
-- I know that I may take sports more seriously than I should ... but I'm not gonna stop and I'm not completely upset that I do this
-- And, along those lines, I wish more people close to me took such an interest in them, so I wouldn't feel so alone when I get obsessed with them
-- I want to be an activist, but I don't completely believe in every cause I should ... there's always something about the cause that I disagree with so much it makes me hold back
-- I feel more at home in Windsor than I thought possible ... and there's a good chance I might never leave.
-- Baby envy is still strong, but it's starting to concern me.
-- Seriously folks: I don't think I have enough yarn, and may require more More MOAR!

Bonus Confession: I really really really dislike McLaren-Mercedes.

10 Day Assignment ~ Day Nine

2011-10-22T09:27:00.005-04:00

Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.

1)

A sunrise. The start of a new day. When I started university I ended up using the counseling services heavily. For the first time it really worked ... I was able to not only make progress but keep it going. So now, when bad things come up, when things seem hopeless ... I'm able to stop and realize that tomorrow is a brand new day. New day, new possibilities, new hope. It's refreshing to be able to look at life this way. I mean, I don't always manage to do it, but when I can it helps so much.

2)

Studying student. I think this one just says it all. Trying to balance it all, overwhelmed. I think it kinda adds to the "why am I doing this" and "where am I going with all this". Despite not knowing, I'm glad I'm on this path.

10 Day Assignment ~ Day Eight

2011-10-21T09:12:00.004-04:00

Day Eight: Three turn-ons.

1) Long, in depth conversations. There is something about this that just gets me a bit fired up. And it could be about anything! I like having heated discussions on politics or religion, just as much as I like talking about movies/music/books, or a discussion on a topic I'm studying, or something you're interested in. Some of my favourite memories have been long discussions with people.

2) Romantic gestures. Sure, they may be cheesy, but I do find them endearing and sweet. Anything from a random letter or note, to flowers, to a small gift, to making dinner, to just a phone call, because you missed my voice.

3) Passion, and seeing that you have it. For things, for life, for me. Just knowing that you love things so much, that you take them so seriously, or you give it your all when you think/do/talk about it. It's exciting, and exhilarating and I love it.

Bonus Turn-On: Strong arms. I'm just sayin'

10 Day Assignment ~ Day Seven

2011-10-20T09:09:00.005-04:00

Day Seven: Four turn-offs.

1) Close-minded people. I respect that many people will have different opinions than myself, but what bothers me is the "I'm right and you're wrong and that's that" attitude. While I may not agree with your opinions, I respect your right to have them, and will give you the chance and space to explain them to me, if you'd like. You should do the same.

2) People hurting others for fun. Whether physically or mentally, it's all the same; I don't like it. You won't get far with me, hurting me for your pleasure, however you do it.

3) Fakers. Don't pretend to be one thing, then turn out to be another. It's one thing to change over time, it's another when I see you change overnight. Give me credit, I am pretty bright and will figure it out.

4) Being scared. I don't like to be shocked or scared. You will not win points ... in fact, you may lose them ... quite quickly.

Bonus Turn-Off: McLaren-Mercedes fans.

10 Day Assignment ~ Day Six

2011-10-19T17:37:00.003-04:00

For the record, I'm pretty impressed I've kept with this ... normally I'm all gung-ho to start and fizzle in the middle LOL

Day Six: 5 People who mean a lot (in no order, whatsoever)

1) S - Him and I have been through an incredible amount of life together. Still rocking the long distance, but, most important, still making it work (for better or worse).

2) M - I seriously could not ask for a better best friend then her. We are so similar, yet so different. I think we really compliment each other this way. There are so many things I love about this woman, it's insane.

3) Mom and Dad - They are both equally important but in so many different ways. As I get older I'm noticing the ways I'm alike them both, thinking I ended up with the best of both worlds. In all seriousness, my parents are fantastic, wonderful people and I realize how lucky I am ... and I am eternally thankful.

4) The Brother - This seems a bit out of place, but he reminds me to just have fun. To take time and smile and be happy, even if things aren't great. He seems to have a knack of knowing when I need a pick-me-up. I used to worry that our age difference, though not too large, would be enough to separate us ... but he reminds me that life isn't completely serious (at least, not all the time).

5) My Library Girls - So this may seem a bit out of place ... considering I was a new-comer, much younger than everyone, and worried about fitting in with them. But these ladies welcomed me with open arms, treated me as an equal. When we talk about things, they don't talk down to me because I'm younger; they respect that I know things differently because I may have learned it out of a textbook instead of living it, but that gives me a different perspective and a still valid opinion. These ladies are helpful, kind and, above all, incredibly loving. I am thankful to know each and every one of you.

10 Day Assignment ~ Day Five

2011-10-18T08:18:00.005-04:00

Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.

**As an aside, I'd just like to note that I have been through quite a bit of counseling to help me not focus on the past and regrets I may or may not have. That being said, I'll do my best to write about a few things and not end up obsessing over them**

1) I wish I hadn't spent all the money I earned as a teenager. Looking back on it, that money could have been really useful now.

2) Looking back, there are many times I wish I hadn't just stood by and let things be said or done to me. Some were malice, some not so ,but I just let it happen, and dealt with the after effects in private. I wish I had said "No, this is not ok". I'm still learning how to do that.

3) In the realm of trying to keep this PG, I will just say that there intimate encounters that I wish I hadn't done. To qualify, this does apply to everyone I've had an intimate relationship with (and a few in the realm of "I wish I hadn't been intimate with so-and-so, but that's a horse of another story).

4) I wish I hadn't resisted M's attempts to teach me knitting. I've now learned that (1) Resistance was futile! (2) I could have had a HUGE yarn collection if I had gotten into knitting years before I did. (3) My skills could/would have been insane by now!

5) I wish I hadn't eaten all those cheeseburgers on my TTC commute home when I was working at CSD.

6) I wish I hadn't let him go back that Thanksgiving weekend.

10 Day Assignment ~ Day Four

2011-10-17T08:11:00.003-04:00

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

1) I wonder about S and I living together. We have to marry before we can live together (again), and I just worry about how things will turn out. I'm more confident than before about things turning out right, but I still have my moments of doubt.

2) I do think about the path I've elected to take in school. I went with a gut feeling and no idea what to do with it. I was on a run of "trusting my gut" and I wasn't going to stop on this one ... but now that I'm reflecting on it, I wonder what I'm going to do when I finally get "there".

3) Freud. GODDAMMIT. This man haunts me sometimes ... I've learned about him in Philosophy, sociology, sexuality, psychology ... UGH. Though ... it makes me wonder why? If every time I learn about him I hear about how his theories have been almost entirely disproved ... WHY AM I STILL LEARNING ABOUT HIM? And worse, I can't help think about him when I have certain dreams. UGH.

4) Knitting - how can this simple craft be SO DAMN ADDICTIVE?? Also, much blame to M for my being obsessed (and much love at the same time). Each time I come across a new thing to knit that's tough, I remember thinking I'll never be able to do it. And then, of course, I can't stop thinking about trying it ... and BOOM. Look for tutorials, try it out and become hooked. THAT'S HOW KNITTING GETS YOU! Next is knitting a sweater (after the huge blanket, of course) ... first is getting the money for the yarn.

5) I worry that I'll always uber-worry about everything. That being told I had generalized anxiety disorder hurt me more than it helped, because now when I worry about everything little thing I know why and I can explain it ... but it doesn't stop me from doing it.

6) Does the loneliness every really go away?

7) Is this really it? Everything I have, everything that's in my path. Is this what I'm going to get out of life? Is it enough? Do I want more? How do I get more? How do I motivate myself to do and be more?

10 Day Assignment ~ Day Three

2011-10-16T09:09:00.004-04:00

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1) Bake me something. Baking my favourite desserts (cake, brownies and cupcakes) is a quick way to make me melt.

2) A long letter. About everything or nothing ... just taking the time to write; telling me how you feel or making me laugh. Gold. (Can come in email form ... just sayin')

3) A small gift. Doesn't have to be expensive, but just a "hey, I saw this and it made me think of you/I thought you would enjoy it" kinda thing.

4) A really in-depth conversation. Some of my favourite memories are just of long long talks.

5) Getting excited in my interests, and meaning it. Asking me questions about my studies or knitting or sports, and really paying attention when I talk about them (as I am quite animated when talking about things I'm passionate about).

6) A bit more romantic ... flowers. And I'm a sucker for roses. Well, just 1 rose actually. If I open the door, and he's holding a single rose, I'm head over heels.

7) Making me laugh. It's one of my favourite things to do, is good for everyone and just plain fun.

8) Ok, I'll admit it ... Sock. Yarn.

10 Day Assignment ~ Day Two

2011-10-15T16:10:00.004-04:00

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

1) M tried to teach me how to knit TWICE before I really took it up for sure. The first time was a Knit in Public day, and we went to Lettuce Knit (LYS home to the Yarn Harlot, though she wasn't there that day). I bought yarn for a baby blanket (that I ended up frogging) ... either way, I tried it and it didn't stick. The second time was in her home with friends (actually people who ended up being Ex's of her). She tried to teach me magic loop to knit the Harlot's unoriginal hat. Yeah, you can guess how well that went.

2) S and I meet a couple of years before we started to date. He was dating a girl who was attending my school. He came to visit her around Valentine's Day. We were introduced, but I never really paid him any mind ... he was dating my friend and I had an eye on some guy. Funny how things work out ^_~

3) I am in my second year of studying for a Criminology degree. Why Criminology? In my spare time, leading up to the decision to apply to school, my favourite shows to watch were "Cold Case Files", "The First 48" and "Criminal Minds" - my plan was to either work towards homicide detective, or some sort of profiler.

4) I'm a die-hard Nintendo fan. I've loved the Nintendo systems and Mario since the NES came out in the early 90s. I remember playing it on a tiny 10" black and white TV (and fighting my Dad for the right to do so!) My absolutely favourite series of games is "Paper Mario" (though "Pokemon" is a close second!)

5) I've been a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs for as long as I can remember (roughly mid-Nineties, when I was old enough to understand hockey). I absolutely refuse to pass on until I see them win the cup!

6) I didn't move out of my parents house until I was 24. When I did move, it was to a city over 400 km away from where I grew up.

7) My goals for 2012: Get into 3rd year Crim, knit a sweater, and get a 200 average in bowling.

8) If I knew, 100% for sure knew that I could make a living out of writing I would. And I'd be torn between writing murder mysteries, historical romances or (slightly graphic) erotica.

9) I've been knitting for almost 2 years now. My favourite kinds of yarns are soft and a bit pricey - I like yarns with a silk content, I love a merino wool ... but I'll always have a soft spot for Bernat satin. M made my first sweater gift out of it.

10 Day Assignment ~ Day One

2011-10-14T16:56:00.005-04:00

So I found this neat little "assignment" ... and while I'm not one to do surveys and memes a ton, I did find this one interesting (though, I found it on a site that not everyone knows I'm on ... so that makes it even MORE interesting, but I digress.)

ANYWAYS, the point is to answer the question or "assignment", one for every day. So, for my enjoyment and yours - the assignment.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

01) S - We've been together for a very long time, and there have been ups and downs. Through it all we've found a way to work through it ... or, has it just been that I've forgiven you? Either way, we'll might make this work somehow. Last night was nice in getting a bunch of stuff of my chest, and I'm really hoping it continues into tonight. Please don't let me down. Please show me you're still the man I'm in love with.

02) M - Much love. More than anyone, you've always been there for me and I am utterly grateful. Of course, I'm there for you, always and forever. I wish for you all the happiness in the world, since I know no one more deserving than you. ♥

03) Mom - I don't know what I've done to deserve such a fantastic mom, but I'm glad I did. You are amazing, and I love you.

04) J - I wish you'd stop giving me mixed signals; it's making my head spin. Be honest, so will I ... we'll deal with it then, whatever needs to be done.

05) D, B (and, I guess, P) - Stop sending me FB friend requests! What do you want from my life? You all had your chance, it didn't work out ... I've moved on. And if these requests are you "checking" that I'm still with S ... well, that's a bit sad. How long do you have to keep "checking" before you believe it?

06) L - I may tolerate your presence, hug you when you leave and play with your children ... but I still haven't taken the high road; I still can't forgive you. I put up with you for them, and the folks - THAT'S IT. But I've changed, and evolved and now you can't touch me. I will take everything you throw and still stand strong. You will NOT break me down ever again.

07) Crafty Library Gals - I am so glad I've met you all! Having not seen you all in almost 2 months is driving me INSANE! I miss you all - the laughs, the sharing, the knowledge, the conversations, the everything! I can't wait to see you all again! ♥

08) A - Half of me dreads when you pop up into my dreams, half of me desperately wants to hold on to them when you do. I used to think I missed talking to you, but really I just miss the talks we had. I know that a part of who I am, and where I am going, is because of them.

09) Grandpa - More and more I realize just how much alike we are. It makes me miss you more and more each time I think of it and you. I love you.

10) M - The world was on fire // No one could save me but you // Strange what desire will make foolish people do // I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you // ... // What a wicked game you play // To make me feel this way // What a wicked thing to do // To let me dream of you // What a wicked thing to say // You never felt this way // What a wicked game to do // To make me dream of you //

In which we obsess about the decision

2011-10-11T17:21:00.004-04:00

{{ As a warning this post may trigger some. If you have triggers, please proceed with caution. While I don't want to cause harm to others, I need a place to rationalize my thoughts and look over them along with other happenings. }}

When I go to bowling, it's an escape for me. A place to get out frustrations through throwing heavy objects (and yes, let's completely ignore the fact that it is a major source of frustration at the same time) ... but lately a problem has come up, and I'm struggling with the best way to deal with it.

Friend is a very special, specific term for me ... so I like to say that anyone I know at bowling is just an acquaintance, since I don't know much about them. One person in particular has been having a rough go of things since I met him, and it's getting worse. Without going into much detail, a member of his family is dying and through everything he was charged with something. Since coming back to bowling in the Fall, he has been coming to me looking for advice on how legal proceedings go (since I have an interest in criminal law, and he knows this from before ... hello, I'm a Crim major!). Unfortunately, I don't know enough to really help ... so my best advice, while answering his questions, is to speak to lawyers/probation officers/seek out services - they will help more than I can.

In the last two weeks he's told me of his idea of just "ending it all" - and at one point started to talk about ways to do it. I stopped him immediately, having been put in a situation that is difficult for me ... hearing of suicide, even just someone considering it, can be (and has been) a very serious trigger for me. I don't need to be triggered before I start bowling, and then go home to being alone and dealing with it. Unfortunately, the only way I thought of at the time to get him to stop was to admit outright that what he was saying could be a trigger to me. Then comes the worse question: "Why?" Ok, fine - I told them about my friend and how that has affected me. I don't need to talk about my own dealings, or any other person I know ... that example is usually extreme enough to get people to stop talking about it.

However, he asked me last week how I dealt with things if I felt suicidal. I didn't know what to say, and ended up rhyming off things like talking to a counselor or writing in a journal ... and while both are true, I felt like I didn't do good enough.

Since he brought it up the first week of bowling, I go now holding my breath ... worried about seeing him or not. Every week I worry and this is just not good. Today I made an appointment with my counselor, the one I haven't had to see since April. I have finally come to something that I cannot cope with at all. On the one hand, if I listen and help it could be my own trigger ... if I don't listen and something happens, I'll feel guilty. I've lived through that guilt and I don't know if I could take it again ... knowing what I know now.

My appointment is next week, and I have all that time to worry about if I'm doing the right thing. About seeing my counselor, about how to help this man, about what more I should do, if I can do anything. I feel so useless and helpless and I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I'm in this position, frustrated that I can't do more, frustrated that I don't know how to move forward, frustrated for the sake of being frustrated.

~ J

Push

2011-10-03T18:43:00.003-04:00

I want to write at the moment, mostly because my mood did I complete 360 and I'm not entirely sure why.

I've been thinking about how my week with S ended, another 360. That night, after I wrote that entry, we had a conversation about things and I was blunt. I really dislike that I had to be. I'm really frustrated that I had to say "I need to hear these things from you, if they're true" or "that I deserve this if you do". As with all the other times, he completely agreed. Said he would make the effort, etc etc. Wednesday night he failed at something we had talked about Tuesday, and Thursday was a strain. We had a pretty huge argument through text messages while I was in class. It continued all afternoon, and into the night. I conceded that I did need to give him room to try, if he was inclined to do so.

I guess school as jaded me a bit. Shown me to read into what's being said just as much as what's not being said. At one point during our argument he said "I love you. I want to fight for us" ... and, I'll admit, my heart fluttered. It was what I wanted to hear.
Except a tiny voice piped up, and noticed he said us, not me. Sure, it could be semantics ... but it's the tiny little different. The point that I'm not elevated above him - it's him, and him & I ... but never just me, by myself. When I pointed it out to him, he thought I was reading into it too much. I made my point and left it.

The fight is gone in me. I'm just about done trying. I don't want to change him per say, but I wanted to highlight the differences, the inequalities. I guess I'm just frustrated of the whole scenario:
Me: I think there are issues in our relationship that I would like to address. *lists the things*. At this point I would like to note that I don't put myself above this - I know I have faults that make things difficult, I acknowledge them - and when I slip. I am working on them because we have both agreed that toning them done would help both of us.
Him: Hmmm, I agree with what you're saying. I'm noticing how you're feeling and I want us to work and be better. I will starting trying to help out and be more *insert whatever here*
...
wait a couple of months, shake, repeat

And the fight is gone. It's the same story over and over again, and I don't think I have it anymore to try. Which leaves me with interesting options: can I accept that things may never change, and if I can live with them. If I can, then "great" ... if not, make choices from there.

So I'm not sure where I stand anymore. How will I feel in a few months? I guess my greatest concern is what if nothing changes, but I'm not ready to walk away? Will I ever "walk away" if nothing changes? Do I really want to? Does the good outweigh the bad, or will it be the other way around?

*dramatic sigh*
Perhaps I'm making a mountain out of an ant hill. Sometimes, apparently, I'm good at that.
~ J

In which we make up for lost time?

2011-09-27T15:44:00.003-04:00

According to blogger, my last entry was over 5 weeks ago ... Oops!

Since my last entry I did travel to NH/VT to spend 5 days with S. Of course, the weekend I was there was when Irene hit. For the record, the thing to do when you are being uber-rained on is to go bowling LOL. There was no damage to our stuff, nor to his family and their house. There was quite a bit of flooding, the flooding effecting him the most was in Lebanon, NH (there is a lot of shopping there). I had a great time there, and of course it ended way too soon. The next time we'll see each other is (most likely) my reading week in February.

After getting back from vacation it was BOOM - right into school for me. Going to classes, getting back into the swing of having TONS of classes and readings, worrying about it all. Appointments and the like and, this year, trying to be a touch more social. To say I've been overwhelmed is an understatement. I think I'm managing alright for now ... but I can already feel my patience thin with classes that are boring or tedious. I can not drop any class in this semester or Winter and expect to be able to get into 3rd year Crim ... so I'm keeping that my focus as I go along.

Of course, the possibility of 2 strikes on campus by Thanksgiving is doing nothing to ease stress. Sure, it's easy for tons to say not to worry about it ... but the fact is that students have to be prepared for any possibility, which means we have to think about it. I can't just shut off the news and pretend it's not happening. Unfortunately, it's adding a ton of stress I don't need.

S and I are at a rough point again, and I'm struggling the most to express my thoughts and feelings, because they aren't as black and white as the words I need to use imply. It basically boils down to I feel like I've giving 110% into this relationship and not getting the same back. It's not about one part, it's a ton of stuff. If I'm tired I say so and go to bed, if I'm hungry I eat ... it seems he waits for permission to do either and it frustrates me. I should not have to tell a hungry man to eat or a tired man to sleep. When he comes to me with a problem, I suggest ways to fix it or, if I don't know any, where he could go to find them. When I come to him with problems, I get a "I don't know how to help you". When he has come to me and said "I think this is a problem between us", I've tried to fix it (if it was something in my power to fix and I felt it was reasonable - I mean, a relationship is about compromise). When I go to him in the same way I get "Well, what do you think I should do". It's basically a "dictate everything to me" attitude and I'm losing my mind. I don't feel like a girlfriend. I don't feel like the most important person in his life. I feel used. And it's not been easy to explain this ... because I think I keep using the wrong words and the meaning gets lost. I'm tired of hearing "yes, this needs to be fixed" and it's only temporary. He argues that he's changing things and I feel it's only temporary. I think that, even if things worked before, people and situations change, so you can't always count on things to be the same.

So I'm in a funny place. I want to be with him. This I know, I've always known. I want to feel as loved and adored and wanted ... it seems he only makes a point of saying and showing a lot of this after I point out he hasn't been (which is another issue for me). I don't want to feel second best (and we've had that talk many many times) and I don't want to feel like a "mom" (taking care of him constantly, instead of being there to help and support ... it's hard to explain and a bit murky, but "mom" is the best comparison I've come up with for how I've been feeling). I'm not ready to walk away, but I can feel myself distancing myself from him to protect me. If nothing changes I will be able to walk away, because I won't feel that romantic connection anymore.

That terrifies me.
~ J

One Chair at the Dinner Table is Pretty Lonely

2011-08-19T18:21:00.002-04:00

Whenever S and I fight ... or, really, any sort of interaction that makes communicating the next day awkward - I notice my solidarity much more. It's that lack of someone to talk to, someone to commiserate with on things, someone to help fill my time. I don't realize how much I count on having that constant, happy communication until it's not really there.

Of course, with this thoughts running through my mind as I cooked dinner, it was no surprised I cried through my meal - though, I do feel the tears were triggered by a song on the radio.

I don't really have much to say at the moment, just wondering if writing would help me clear my head.

The last month has been what it's been. I've been excelling at a class without trying, so I've added a Psychology minor to my program. I'm excited and nervous about this ... but at least I don't have to buy a new text book to take the next class.

I leave for NH in 5 days. I'm excited and nervous and a bunch of other emotions about this. I have to get through 2 exams before I can leave, and I face a long bus ride there and back.

It seems I'm also going to experience another form of travel to Toronto and back. I've driven (in cars and buses) and trained ... but in September I might fly. My Aunt and Uncle (on my mom's side) are getting married. Mom offered to fly me in so I could spend time with everyone. I'm excited about this ... I need some time at home.

Today I can't stop thinking about how I've been pushing people away in an effort to take care of myself and make things right for me ... and now I don't know how to repair that.

~ J

1 year anniversary

2011-07-24T18:00:00.001-04:00

Today celebrates my 1 year of living in Windsor (at 6 pm even ... yes, I am so nerdy I remember the time the landlord gave me the keys).

But it's not just a year in Windsor - it's a year living on my own, a year away from my family and friends, a year of starting out on my own, a year of independence ... and a year of insanity.

I thought, on the anniversary of my big move, that I would take some time to write about my year here - the good, the bad, and everything in between. When I first moved here I made some hasty judgments, possibly coupled with my anxiety about the move. Since then (and some pretty intense counseling) I was able to relax a bit more and notice some great things about the city and where I am.

Windsor:
~ The Good ~
Windsor has a pretty bad reputation around Ontario. When I told people I was moving to Windsor to go to school, the number 1 question I got was ... "Why???". However, when I got here the sense of community was overwhelming! One of my biggest fears was not feeling like I belonged ... especially since I had lived in Maple my entire life ... but I can say, I definitely feel like I belong here. I know in my heart I made the right choice.

It's interesting where I live, in the West End. It's pretty much "downtown" to some people, where as downtown to me was always Toronto, so Windsor feels comparable to the newer parts of Maple to me, maybe Richmond Hill or Woodbridge. I live within walking distance of everything I need, and I've stretch my walking area pretty far. I will not hesitate to walk downtown - to the bus station or the bank. I live right on the bus line, able to hope the # 2, aptly named "Crosstown" bus. Sure, the bus doesn't run as often as I was used to, but I can plan things accordingly and have never had to worry about busing.

The scenery here is amazing. I live just a few blocks away from the Detroit River - it's amazing to watch. I also find it fascinating to look across the river, knowing I'm seeing another country when I do that! Driving into the counties, the few times I've done it, has been stunning. I love the local small-town-ness of the counties and might consider moving to one once S and I figure things out.

The University is great. I love the look of the campus. Of course, I do live close enough to walk and do every single day. Funny, without fail, when I'm walking to school I'll get passed by the bus - as if to say "if you waited for me, you'd be there already" ... but I like walking. I've lost quite a bit of weight since I moved, and I attribute much of that to the walking I've done.

~ The Bad ~
The neighbourhood I'm in isn't great. I'm not a huge fan of the people who live in the building near mine. My living room windows face the back of the building, so I'm able to see some of the drinking, drugging and domestic violence that's been happening. I also live near a strip club, that has a not-so great reputation.

Though Windsor hasn't had very many murders, there is quite a bit of petty crimes. When I tell people what street I live on I get looks and "oh, that's too bad". Thankfully I haven't had any problems, but that might also be because of my hyper vigilance.

Weather. I'm not complaining, it's just taking some adjusting. Humidity like whoa! I'm not used to it, and while I've been adjusting as best I can it does take it's toll. Of course, there has been talking and thinking about an A/C, but I worry about the cost of running one. I don't want to become dependent on it, when I've gone for so long living without one.

My Apartment
~ The Good ~

I love my apartment the moment I saw it (well, saw a clean version of it anyways). The living room is fairly spacious, with a french door separating it from the rest of the apartment. The bathroom is tiny, but I had been so used to a large bathroom that anything would have been tiny. The kitchen has very nice looking cupboards, with a breakfast bar (with more cupboards) that is on the left side, and on the right is the dining room, where I have a table and the shelving that holds the towels. My room, though obviously smaller than the one I left, is a very decent size and has a walk-in closet.

It still amazes me to walk into the apartment and everything is mine. I can go anywhere in the apartment I want. I make the rules, I decide what food comes in, I decide what to eat and when I want to. I decide the music on the radio, the movies that I watch on my TV. I never have to ask if anyone needs the bathroom, I can leave things lying around if I choose to. Going from basically living in one room to having many was a wonderful and scary change.

There are windows in every room of my apartment. One wall of the living room is 3 windows. There is a window in the bathroom (unfortunately, it's right in the middle of the shower). Windows in the dining room and one in the bedroom. I love all the light that comes into my apartment.

~ The Bad ~
Electric Heat. And only with an off or on setting. It costs quite a bit and I'm not a huge fan of how it dried out my skin. Though, lesson learned from last winter ... hopefully I know better how to handle this one.

I don't really have hot water. I have very warm water if the tank is full. I have a huge bathtub that I can't fill up for a long hot bath because there's never that much water in the tank. I keep thinking about asking someone to adjust it, but after a year I wonder if I'm just too lazy and adjusted to it myself to have it changed.

The landlords - very nice, but apparently will do things that are not so great. I found out when I met someone who had lived in this building before. There is a chance that when I want to move out they will show people the apartment by just opening my door and letting them walk through it. Not thrilled about that. Will have to cross that bridge when it comes.

Social Interaction:
~ The Good ~
Before I moved I used Ravelry to seek out a knitting group. I found one, and wonderful woman offered to drive me to the group once I moved. That was last August, and I can't stop going. I love this great group of ladies I've met. They accepted me without question (which is a lot more than I can say about the last group I tried to join). They are helpful, thoughtful, funny, amazing and I'm learning so much just being around them. I feel so privileged to know them!

Also, it's no surprise that I had to move somewhere with a bowling league. I did find one, and scoped out the place before I joined a league ... and I've been loving it! My average is higher here than it has ever been before. It's a small place, but that means the place is shut down for when we bowl (which is kinda awesome). I have a great time when I go, and it's an amazing social outlet/competitive outlet.

~ The Bad ~
My only complaint is at school. I think it's mostly my fault - I started off the school year with a ton of anxiety attacks and ended up distancing myself from the idea of getting to know people. I know that 1st year classes can be big, and getting to know people can be difficult. Also, with the term "friend" being a bit of a sticking point for me, it's really hard to pin-point when someone becomes my friend, mostly because that means so much to me.

My year in Windsor, overall, has been great. Sure, I started out shakey, but I've found my footing. I said in an email to my Mom that I'm happy here, and I really am. Being far away from people I love sucks, but I've spent my life putting others ahead of me ... and now it's time I do things for me.

~ J

It's so fluffy!

2011-07-10T11:53:00.002-04:00

I haven't written because I haven't had anything to say. And sure, I can hum and haw over the last month - but none of it was memorable, none of it was really important and, aside from a few really cool knits, nothing is worth reporting on.

If you are curious about the actual details of life around here - it's hot, very hot. I finished Intersession and started Summer session - taking a class on psychology and women's movement in North America. It has been very interesting so far, but causing me more distress then I imagined. Note to self - take neither types of these classes again.

I've been doing a fair bit of knitting - including a KAL shawl (to which S ran out to get me a 3rd skein of the yarn so I could finish it) and socks. I am HOOKED on socks, and I pretty much blame M (thank you, thank you, THANK YOU)! I am trying to see if a self-imposed sock club is possible for next year ... S is not to thrilled with the idea.

In 2 weeks I will celebrate having lived in Windsor for 1 full year (at 6 pm no less, but whose remembering finite details?). The very next day I will go to my knitting club, and celebrate just under a year of being with them. Massively exciting times ... I plan on writing a detailed entry about what I like/dislike about living in Windsor ... mostly because I made a lot of hasty judgments and have since changed my mind on a ton of things (some for the better, some for worse). I think it will be interesting to visit that ... considering I have only ever lived in 3 towns throughout my life.

In other news, my sister did indeed have the baby. Sofia Elaine was born June 21st late at night. Everyone is doing just fine. When Peter was born, we remarked on how much he might look like my dad's side of the family, but now (closing in on his 2nd birthday) he looks MUCH more like his dad. Sofia, however, will look my Dad's family - there is no doubt in anyone's mind. She was born as the heaviest baby my sister has had to date, and a full head of dark, dark hair. I can't wait to meet her.

I will try to update soon with a full knitting entry with pictures and squees of the yarn I have received lately.
~ J

Murr ...

2011-06-07T13:35:00.002-04:00

I think I've been doing pretty good lately - mental health wise, at least.

Sure, I've had a few bumps ... but I came out on the other side fairly well, and mostly have done it on my own. I'm still working on opening up to others - I still fear the judgment.

I guess the biggest problem is when I finally get to a point where I need to talk to someone, I think of what I would say and it starts to sound stupid and I clam up. It starts to sound weird and I feel I'm over-reacting.

So of course, this was no help this weekend when S and I had 3 fairly massive fights within 24 hours (Saturday night was minor [comparatively], Sunday morning was pretty bad, Sunday night was massive). It seems petty and of utmost importance at the same time. I worry what others will think - that they'll find it trivial, but at the same time it's our relationship, and our dynamic is fairly unique. We have to do things that others mostly don't, and that changes a lot.

So, since the arguments I've been feeling blah. I don't feel motivated to do anything - I wish mostly I had the energy to knit, since it's definitely one thing that makes me happy. The heat here has been bad, and I want to knit most into the blanket than random socks ... but the blanket is blah, I feel blah, everything is blah.

I'm still trying to figure out how to make things right with S. How to make him see why I get so upset over these things and however I can help him so it won't happen again. I feel I'm compromising every time we talk about it and it swears it won't happen again.

UGH. It's so frustrating! I wish I could make him understand, and I wish I didn't lose my mind ... some sort of mid-ground for us both.

On the plus side, yesterday I ate 7 little meals (well, meal-snack, meal-snack, meal-snack-snack) and it was nice. Today I'm trying for the same thing and hopefully I can make it a habit.

My thoughts are jumbled and I don't know what to do.
~ J

Slip, Slip, Knit

2011-05-23T12:11:00.008-04:00

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY! A knitting post!

And I have been doing a lot of knitting ... it keeps the insanity at bay ^_~

Firstly, on my whirl-wind trip all over Ontario at the beginning of the month I got the yarn for Sofia's blanket - it was gifted to me by M, who had picked it up from someone de-stashing (I think). It was not a yarn I would have picked out on my own, but I think it's a very nice colour. Sofia's due date is June 17th, and I'm sure there are many of us that are impressed she didn't decide to come out during the wedding. However, while I was in Sudbury I watched M work on a blanket for a couple whose getting married next month ... and urge to make one myself rose like no tomorrow. I pushed through Sofia's blanket - promising that I could start mine as soon as I finished hers ... hense why it got knitted in less than two weeks. But ....

BAM! This is the progress made in Week # 1 of the Snuggle-Me Wave Blanket. M wrote the pattern (which was mostly borrowed from other patterns I believe) and I changed 1 thing myself. My CO was 300 stitches, which allows for 5 waves. My colours go green-blue-red, because I though the blue was too dark to end up laying against the black edging, and it's off-set nicely as a bright/dark/bright. I love the simplicity of the design, how just a simple double-decrease pulls the material to make the wave ... and the blanket doesn't curl, considering it's almost completely stockinette. AMAZING. I've given myself a timeline of finishing this by October - as this is the next time S comes to visit.

Of course, a knitting post isn't complete without showing off my shrug - the one I knit for the wedding! So, the good news is that my first foray into a knitted garment was a success! It fit perfectly and complimented my dress and S's shirt perfectly (mostly because he bought a shirt that matched the colour). The bad news is that my dress was beaded, and fluff from the shrug keep getting caught in the beading ... S and I were constantly pulling it off the dress. But I think it looked really nice! From L-R: Myself, my mother, my new brother-in-law, my sister, my father, my brother (S took the picture for us).

In other knitting news, I'm hooked on socks - and knit a pair of (cuff-down) socks from the yarn M gave me Christmas. They just need to be blocked, so I will have pictures in my next knitting post. Dad gave me wire hangers and S bended them for me, so now I have wire sock hangers! YAY!

~ J

I think we're alone now ...

2011-05-15T13:15:00.001-04:00

In a follow-up to the last post -- I did email counseling services about making an appointment, but the days and times I would have been on campus the following week they had no appointments available. This worked out for the best though, as after I got back to Richmond Hill I had calmed down enough not to really need an appointment (helped, of course, by S's arrival that afternoon).

The wedding came and went with little fanfare. Sister looked very nice in her dress, and even though she looked very obviously pregnant, it worked very nicely with her dress. I think the thing that most surprised me from the whole day was when she was walking down the aisle - as immediately family, we sat in the front row ... and from there I was able to see my (now) brother-in-law crying as his bride walked down towards him. It melted my heart quite a bit, actually.

The next day S and I were off to come back to Windsor. Our week together was busy - we set out to pick up things I needed/wanted for the apartment - so I now have a bigger garbage can and a recycling box for the kitchen; an electric skillet, a casserole dish set, a printer - and a bunch of new yarns! We did lots of grocery shopping and general exploring of the city.

There were a few blips in our time together - mostly noticeable in that one of us (usual me) ends up giving up some comforts and routines to make the other happy. There were a few loud words early in the week, but once we fell back into being together it went away.

This morning we woke early so he could get a jump on his driving (14 hours from my apartment to his home). I'm still undecided if this way is easier - waking up and saying goodbye within 30 minutes, or having a few more hours in the morning like before. On the one hand, he's here and gone just like that and I don't like that ... the other way, though, left us with hours to be sad at the imminent leaving.

With S on his way back to NH at this moment, I can get back to my routines - I have a midterm (already) for one of my summer classes this week. I have tons of things I want to knit (and I aim to do a huge knitting post this week), as well as general relaxing and enjoying warmer weather.

To be honest, I don't feel like being very social for awhile ... and thankfully I don't really have a need to be ...

~ J

If I was your vampire

2011-05-05T06:10:00.002-04:00

Sometimes, music helps make everything better.

It's been a long, but mostly good, month.

Wrote and finished exams, marks came in. They were bad, and I knew they would be bad. I have no one/nothing to blame except myself. I pulled off a decent grade in one class that really helped - I'm still within sights of my goals, so I mostly happy. Things could be better, but they can also be worse - it is what it is.

The week of insanity arrived and I was ill-prepared for it. Mostly in the expecting S department. I know the range of emotions I go through, the thoughts that run through me ... instead of trying to stop them I usually let them run their course - 1) it's a bit easier than trying to fight them 2) I think their natural, considering all we've been through. What I didn't count on/think of/realize is that I'm always home while waiting for him. I'm surrounded by my things, my space, my comforts ... and I didn't bring much in the way of comforts to help.

Last night was really rough for me. I noticed where my thoughts were going and started to withdraw from things around me. Anxiety ended up high for a number of reasons, and I was having trouble keeping it under control. I went to a very unsafe head space and didn't know how to get out of it. With no one to talk to, the only thing I could do was cry and shake until I finally fell asleep.

Having now made it through the night I don't know how I feel about everything. I feel last night was an example of why I choose to deal with things privately and why I can't really do that any more.

In a better-safe-than-sorry mode I'm hoping to get an appointment with my counselor next week. I saw him a week before I left town, and we agreed not to make another appointment - I was doing well. However, with the thoughts and feelings and how I handled them ... I think there is still something to be addressed. Hopefully, he has a helpful solution or a way to help cope.

Otherwise, I'm not sure what else to say. I again find myself censoring what I'm thinking for fear, which is something else I need to bring up in a therapy session.

~ J

Time slips away

2011-04-08T12:53:00.004-04:00

Time is moving at its usual pace, and yet I feel that it's slipping away from me.

This week has been rough, and not specifically for the reasons I had thought.
Friday afternoon I entered a "contest" on facebook - 20 questions, each with the slogan of a candy, name the candy. When I went searching online for them, I found a quiz site that had the answers, in the same order as the questions. I emailed my answers within 20 minutes of the riddle being posted and won. Prize was a lollipop. The candy store is called Candy Orbit, and no matter how I thought about it, I couldn't really justify using two bus tickets just to pick up a lollipop. So I walked - there and back, and side-tripped to the grocery store. Roughly 4 miles/8KM worth of walking ... in the rain, of course. I am not angry with my walk - I was very proud that I (a) didn't give into the temptation of waiting for a bus (when I knew I could walk mostly home before it would even show up) and (b) not going into McDonald's despite being cold and hungry.

Monday comes around and I kept myself busy. I went to lunch with the lady who ran the first year student blogging, and met another blogger. She treated us to lunch (at a great pizzeria called Sam's) and gave us each a thank you card - inside was a gift card to the university book store for $100. I can buy my textbooks for all of my summer classes with this (since they're not books I would keep past the term anyways, I don't mind grabbing used copies). Though, the trouble came this evening, when I went to go to my first fitness class. It's called "Latin Cardio" and I'm only taking it because all the other ones I wanted to be in weren't going to run - and I feel that SOMETHING is better than nothing. At first, I would have said "unfortunately" I was the only one to show up ... but it turned out to work in my benefit. The instructor and I decided to start anyways, and she added in a bit of weights to make it a bit interesting. Fortunately, being the only one in the class, the instructor was able to get to me really quickly when I fainted. I don't know how long I was out, I think it was pretty quick - I was still upright. I just remember feeling faint, her standing in front of me, then her beside me trying to get me to sit down. Of course, I was embarrassed, which triggered a deep emotional reaction. After about 10 minutes I was able to convince her that I could make it home by myself (literally just across the street). I went home and ate, but S wasn't answering his phone ... and didn't get back to me until an hour later. I wasn't angry at him, which surprises me - that is my usual reaction when I need him and he's not there - but I was just sad. He, of course, was beside himself when he found out and I had to spend the rest of the night convincing him that I was fine.

Tuesday I still felt faint, but got through my last classes alright. The instructor urged me to make a doctor's appointment, just to make sure it was a one-off thing and not a serious problem. So I made an appointment for Friday afternoon. I moved my chiropractor appointment up a week, I knew bowling was going to be trouble. I saw the therapist too. It was quite awkward, I didn't have much to say. At one point, he ran through a list of things I've done in the last year - I've lost 50 pounds, I've moved to a new city, I went back to school with great success after 7 years out. I'm figuring out a life direction, I'm being more social then I have in years ... and I just kinda shrugged it off. I'm still trying to find a good balance between telling people my accomplishments - I want to share my happiness, not search for praise ... but the way my mind works its hard to tell the difference sometimes ... I'm working on it.
Considering this week was the first time in months I've bowled with as much pain as I have, I didn't do too bad (two games over average). I found out that I won (female) bowler of the month for March, and that was a great feeling. I got a beer mug, it's pretty cool! ^_~

Wednesday was M's birthday, and it sounds like she had a great day! I called her early in the morning, despite being at work, and we talked for a bit - it was nice, I miss talking to her. Oh, we chat all the time, but sometimes I worry that I have nothing to say. Nothing very exciting is happening with me, and sometimes I don't want to share everything ... and I worry, about everything, because that's what I do.

Thursday I did see handsome Chiro man, who was not thrilled with how much pain I was in, and the fact that my alignment was so off. He fixed it, told me to eat aspirin like candy this weekend and hope that helps everything. No long walks for me this weekend, I've been forbidden.

Today I'm at work, and anxious about my doctor's appointment. I'll also jump on the scale and get my more "official" weight count ... I don't entirely trust the scale at work, and this would be the same scale that was used during my physical. I know she'll run a bunch of tests, and I'm worried that something is wrong. It's a weird gut feeling, but this one has rarely been wrong. The good news is I'm not thinking about the absolute worst thing it could be ... but it could be because I have no idea what it is.

You may have noticed, though, this entry was almost entirely facts, and not so much a lot of mental stuff. I'm getting better at coping and dealing with it, something that was also noted in therapy. Hopefully things continue to be this good, or this easy to deal with. I'm going to try to swing this blog in a more knitting/latching/school way *hopefully* and less of a DRAMAINMYHEAD-ness that I have been writing for awhile.

The day after my last exam will be spent entirely with Criminal Minds and my latch hooking that's been ignored since September.
Just sayin'
~ J

And the insanity keeps coming

2011-04-01T12:28:00.004-04:00

It's April? Whoa, whoa, whoa ... back the fool train up! Seriously?

My first exam is a week Saturday - yeah, you heard me. An exam on a Saturday, at 8:30 am no less.

April has always been a very tough month for me - 2 really awesome things happened in Aprils past, and 2 really terrible things happened. Thankfully, the terrible things are over quickly, and there's a good thing in between them ... you know what, let me just be frank - 2 people, who meant a great deal to me, passed away in April. A person who means the world to me was born in April, and I started a fantastic journey with someone who means the world to me in April.

In the past, I've been known to be completely unapproachable on the anniversaries of the deaths. I'm trying to look at things from my newer view points. On the one hand, having had so many years pass since the deaths (10 and 8 years, respectively), you would think I would have moved on. It's because of what they meant to me that I dread dealing with the day - especially in the weeks leading up to it and if I'm not in a good mindset to start. On the other hand, instead of being sad that they're gone, I should be happy that I got to know them, and spend as much time with them as I did (15 and 17 years, respectively). I'm not sure how I will feel or act when each day comes up (the 4th and 9th, respectively) but I will just handle it in the best ways I can.

I will turn my attention to the good things in April - M's birthday, and my dating anniversary with S. I'm quite proud of myself - M's birthday present was received by her quite some time ago ... I hope that she enjoys it. She's making some great big moves soon and I am very excited for her. As far as S and I are concerned, despite the one (rather large) disagreement not to long ago - this has been the best start to a year we've had in awhile. I will be able to see him again in just over a month, and I am eager looking forward to it.

School-wise things have been rough. More mistakes have been made and I've dealt with them in private - as I'm learning to deal with a lot more things privately. I'm still trying to find the best way to get thoughts out of my head until I can think of them more rationally, let people know that something might be up, but not feel burdened to relive it over and over again, or to explain my thought processes and why they happen that way or just to take a bit of tension off my shoulders. Social networking has kinda screwed this all up, and re-learning it has not been fun.

As far as the "writing book" that the counselor gave me, there have been two instances where I know I should write them down. I haven't yet - which either means I've dealt with enough of the feelings to be able to move on effectively from it ... OR, I haven't dealt with them at all and something will come back to bite me in the butt.

In positive notes: the shrug was blocked, it came out pretty good, and the gals at the knitting club loved it. I'm excited to wear it to the wedding! I am also eating 3 meals a day - and have been for 2 weeks. This is a MASSIVE improvement from the 1-1/2 I was eating before (in a "conserve money" round-about thinking). I'm also eating smaller meals, and "snacks" in between. I've always known that getting into this habit first before trying to eat healthier was the right way to go ... and when I get back from the wedding we can make that next change. I also signed up for a "fitness class", it starts on the 5th - at 7 am. I am nervous, but definitely excited for it. It's held at the Rec Center across the street ... so, having it closer than the university's gym will be a big help ... though, someone suggested that I can use the 20-minute walk to the gym as my warm-up/cool-down ... which is not a bad idea. I might gym in the summer/rec center classes in the winter. I also got the go-ahead from the chriopractor to bowl during the summer ... the summer league runs from April 28th to end of July ... I'm having almost no pain while I bowl now, which is a MASSIVE improvement from my doubling-over after throwing one ball in October ... and I'm even bowling around my average (or above) again, which is really nice.

The Fantastic News: I felt it would be a bit awkward to share this news on FB or other social mediums, but I need to write out a bit about it for myself, so I think that here is the best place for it (it can feel like I'm telling someone without the guilt of feeling conceded about it). Of course, reading this entry (and some previous ones) you might have noticed a bit of push to eat better, get healthy ... why now? Well, there's kinda a good reason. I was the type of person to "look" for motivation to lose weight, sort of "wait for it to find me", I guess. Moving to Windsor created a lot of changes in my life - some good, some bad, some unexpected - and, after 8 months I can reflect on what they've done. Obviously, money being a factor in everything - certain foods I like I stopped eating, certain foods I like but didn't eat enough of I got whenever I wanted. Change of environment left me sick a few times, and living far enough off campus for a good sized walk every day, but not far enough to justify a bus ride all the time means that weight changes happened. I didn't weigh myself around the first time S and I were in person together as a couple (April, 2004), but I'm guessing that this was the last time I was under 200 lbs. At my heaviest, I weighted in at 252 (April, 2010). I know that in late October I was at 212 (I sneaked a look at the chart for my physical). Since starting to work at St. Denis center, I've been looking for a scale to jump on, to see if the changes in my diet (over the last few months) has done anything. I found one this past January, and was hoping on (full clothed) every couple of weeks. My goal for 2011 was to lose 10 pounds, which was completed in February. My goal for a long time was to get under 200 pounds. This past Wednesday (so ... March 30th), I stepped on the scale at work ... and, fully clothed, the scale came it at under 200 lbs.

Seeing the weight coming off bit by bit since January has been my motivation to try to start ... but now noticing the little changes I've made have a big impact ... I want to push myself more than ever to get to a place where I feel happy with myself. Sure, everything is just a number. If I love myself for who I am then it doesn't matter what size I am. And I'm working on that part of my self-esteem ... but for me, just for me, I want to feel healthy. I want to feel like I can do anything I want to. I want to feel attractive and desirable, just for the sake of enjoying that feeling.

It's a process, I know. But the changing of the diet, the fitness class, the fact that it's getting warmer so I can look for more excuses to go walking ... that helps a ton!
~ J

Moving along here ...

2011-03-15T17:28:00.002-04:00

Things with The Boyfriend got worse before better ... though saying they're "better" isn't accurate either. When we talked on Friday he told me that he didn't cancel with the girl and though I reiterated I was not happy about this, I again accept that he meant no harm and let it go. He reminded me it was just grocery shopping and then he would be home. OK fine, I was going to see a movie and we'd talk later.

Well, Saturday comes and I go out and he does too. Throughout the day I had no messages from him, which was really weird. And then my thought process devolves, and quickly ... and I was not thrilled how it went. Yes, I "noticed" that my thoughts weren't pleasant, but I got trapped in my "circle of doom" and there was no out.
When I finally got to talk to him, he admitted they went to a bunch of places, and then I kinda lost my mind (again). He had promised to let me know if plans changed, and he didn't.

Skip ahead to today, got to see the counselor this afternoon. I started talking about the situation, and it started to sound very silly. I knew he wasn't going to give me the answer, I wasn't looking for it. I wanted guidance - why would my thoughts move so quickly to this, when I know it was irrational? How can I stop it? He worried that I was starting to use counseling as a crutch again and emphasized how I had to give myself the chance to move past it. He knows how much I like writing and gave me an exercise to help with my thought process.

As far as S and I are concerned, things will take time. I have lots to think about, and though I know how I'm going to handle this situation, I'm still working on how to move past it.

In other news, I finished the shrug. It needs it's ends weaved in, and to be blocked like WHOA, but the knitting of it is done.
Yay?
~ J

Well Sir ...

2011-03-10T08:03:00.003-05:00

I'm going to write for a bit, see where my thoughts go with this.

The boyfriend. I thought long and hard Tuesday night about how I was going to handle this. My first bowling game was (officially) my worst all season. Whoever said being angry helps in bowling? I couldn't focus at all.

Of course it's been on my mind and I'm forcing myself not to think about it. When I allow myself to think about it, follow this logic:
On the one hand, the specific situations are not "deal-breakers". I know in my heart that he wasn't doing anything specifically to hurt me. Know he doesn't see things the way I do, he was just trying to be helpful.
However ... the fact is that he wasn't forthcoming and honest right away. He has a "I trust you, I don't trust anyone else" mentality and knows that I carry a bit of it too. If I told him once, I've told him a thousand time that he has to tell me stuff like this right away. I don't expect him to stop at every single situation and think "Is this going to upset J in any way?" but if he even has an inkling that it might, THEN TELL ME. Not so difficult, right?

So, I don't anticipate that this is going to break us up. But I'm tired of dealing with things like this. I am very forthcoming with anything that could upset him. I don't like telling him things that make him nervous or uncomfortable, but better to be honest then deal with a fight later - and why is asking for the same too much to ask?

I expected him to ask to call Tuesday but he didn't - we both just texted each other when we got home and that was it. Yesterday we both worked, and texted briefly during the whole day. I'm still upset, so anything I said was short and simple. Again I expected that he would text to ask to call and he didn't. Now, at 38-ish hours since we last talked on the phone, this is the longest we've gone since the big New Years fight. This morning when he got to work he sent me a message asking if we were going to talk tonight (obviously meaning a phone call).

I had to think a minute ... I have many things I want to say, nay, scream at him ... but this is going to get me nowhere. The fact is that if I forgive him right away, it will happen again (not necessarily this extreme of a situation, but it will happen again when he will hide something from me, be a hypocrite when I get upset). The situation is not necessarily wrong, but it's definitely not right. The fact is our relationship is unique (as is everyone else's, of course) but there are more than just the "usual relationship rules" that apply. Knowing that I have an issue with trust and honesty between us means that he should be honest and forthcoming - regardless of whether he wants to or not. I am with him, I deserve the same.

In response to his message, I texted back that if he had something he wanted to say to me that could not be said via text message he is welcome to call me (and I will put $20 on it being "I love you"). I told him that I never said he couldn't call ... so he has also made the decision to not call the last two nights.

I really don't know what to say to him. At the moment I feel like there is nothing I can say. If I forgive him, it'll happen again ... I don't feel this is severe enough to end our relationship (there were many many other worse things that I could have then this).

I made an appointment with the counselor (I was hoping for one today, but it won't be until Tuesday). I know I have a bit of a problem here - I know that, in the end, I will forgive him, and this will happen again and I will go through the same self-loathing thoughts and this needs to stop. I'm trying to be proactive - not to have someone tell me the answer, but to find out why I do this. Sure, this is not an urgent matter, but it's important to me ... and the counselor did say if I need to talk to come in any time.

So much for this trying to go three-weeks without seeing him. I haven't been able to do it yet.
~ J

The Right thing vs what might happen

2011-03-08T17:42:00.004-05:00

I know there is something I do which isn't good - I look to someone to give me the answer. To be honest, it usually happens when I know something tough has to happen and I don't feel strong enough to be the one to do it. I guess I've always figured that if someone else suggests a solution or points me to an answer I'm "absolved" of responsibility. I'm working on getting over this, of learning how to do to the right thing, or the thing that needs to be done - it's not a matter of not knowing, but a matter of trying to find the inner strength to do what (I think) I need to do.

Of course, it seems like every entry is a result of a situation that happened and this is no exception. S and I had a disagreement last night. Normally, I would have harped my point or turned something stupid into a huge fight. This time, I didn't. I didn't talk to him through texts this morning because I had nothing to say, but let him know when I was leaving school (as he let me know when he was done his route). He called and, of course, the conversation turns to last night. I told him that I wasn't upset about last night (which is true, I decided it wasn't something to worry over) but I wasn't regretful for anything I said and would not be apologizing. Of course, he was a bit taken aback (this is not how things usually go - it's usually a fight at night, all day to think about it, apologizes the next time we're on the phone and it's over). We talked a bit more and he left to go back to work.

Now to the actual problem. He called during his last half hour of work and we got to talking about my current knitting project. I confessed I was worried I wouldn't have enough yarn, and he offered to go get me some more (since he bought it in the first place). I said I felt bad since the yarn shop was out of his way, and he said he wasn't doing much this weekend - his friend's have their bi-weekly hair appointment and he was driving this girl to get groceries but otherwise nothing.

Whoa whoa.
Back the phone up.
Girl? Groceries?

Who is she? "Oh, we used to work together at Borders." Oh really? "Yeah, the one who lives in Canaan now? Works at the gas station?" ... Oh yeah, if I think really hard I remember you mention seeing her again. But what ... that was 2 weeks ago, right? "Well, right ..." and she just asked you now to give her a ride. "Yeah, today." Today? So you gave your cell number to a girl and you didn't think I want to know. "Well, no. We've been texting for a bit and she asked me today."

Now, let's pause here. Because it's important to know that this is when I start losing my mind.

S and I have our issues, yes. There is one very very LARGE sticking point for me in our relationship and it's trust. This is because there was a scenario that occurred during the first few months of our relationship, and he didn't feel the need to tell me the whole truth. Years later I finally found it all out - and I (understandably) lost my mind. Since then, any situation that smacks of the same circumstances, whether big or small, causes me to lose it a bit.

What I was finally able to find out is that they have texted a few times since meeting again at the gas station and she texted him earlier this afternoon, needing a ride to get some groceries. S admitted if the situation was reversed (I was texting with someone and he found out weeks after the fact) he would freak out ... but of course, I was over-reacting.

What's going to happen? I don't know - hense the point of the entry. Right now, I'm angry - I want to make him feel as hurt and betrayed as I feel ... but that accomplishes nothing. I want to tell him he can't give this girl a ride ... but I know in my heart that he never meant anything by it - he's trying to be nice, and I know he loves me.

However, situations like this (that bring the "trust" issue) come up more often then I want to admit, and it's wearing away at me more and more each time. Every time I let it go, and without fail it will happen again. He never "means" anything by it, but it eats at my sanity and mental health and I don't really want to take any more.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do, or how this is going to turn out. M posted something on my facebook to put it in perspective -
Will this matter in 5 mins? 5 hours? 5 days? 5 weeks? 5 months? 5 years?
In all honesty, probably 5 days. I find it very hard to see it to the 5 week mark. Honestly though ... I could make a case for up to 5 months/5 years ... and that's what scares me.

~ J

Knitting a garment

2011-03-07T14:16:00.006-05:00

This weekend S and I started thinking about dressing for the wedding - mostly because I wanted to knit something and that takes time (especially since what I was thinking of making originally might have had to be passed along to someone to block for me, again taking time). Either way, step one was to try on the dresses I had. Admittedly, I was nervous. I bought these dresses some years ago and haven't worn them in a while. Either way, I was quite surprised to find I didn't look terrible in either of them. The one I'm favouring is about knee length, with some tulle on the bottom. It is a V-neck but very modest, and beaded all over. What I wanted to make (the wrap) wouldn't look good with it ... so we started to re-think.

Back to Rav and the search. The only thing I disliked was my shoulders showing ... which sounds really weird, I know, but I thought something covering them (that I didn't have to worry about falling off) would be best - a shrug. I found a very simple pattern and checked my stash - there was yarn that would work! Conversing with S we changed the colours we wanted to wear (he found a shirt to match already) and now it's time to start the mathing and the knitting!

First, the gauge swatch. I've never done one before, so it was bit of an experiment. The pattern says you should have 4 inches for 16 stitches to 20 rows, so I did a swatch that was 26 stitches across (including a garter stitch border) and about 24 rows. I measured my gauge before blocking, and my gauge is good before/after blocking!

I want to modify the pattern a bit, so mathing is involved. I'm trying to remember everything M has taught me about modifying - which is basically me asking her about hers since I haven't made anything that needed much modification.
I want to make the following mods:
-- Add a 2x2 rib as cuffs on the sleeves
-- Make them only just past my elbows instead of full sleeves
-- Knit the sleeves on DPNs so there is no seaming!

So, I grabbed a measuring tape and measured out the length of my arms (to my wrists and my elbows) and the span of my back. Then, I looked at the pattern (and the size I want to make) and using the information available figured out what the length of each sleeve and the back is supposed to be. Using this, I was able to figure out that if I simply divide the rows in between the decreases by half, I would be able to get half sleeves (plus the cuffs, of course).

This is all a bit of trial and error. By knitting on DPNs I'll be able to try on the piece as it's knit, so I see right away if things need to be changed.

Last night I had cast on to start, but somewhere made a mistake and thought best to frog and start again when I was a bit more calmed and relaxed (and the lighting was better).
So, attempt number two - The Wedding Shrug - here we go!
~ J

We're gonna blog this out

2011-02-28T09:58:00.004-05:00

I've gotta say, despite everything I was thinking and feeling this weekend I didn't write it out "in the moment", which is a bit of credit to therapy and getting better. What better way to kick up my fears to extremes then to write it all out when I'm super emotional.

Through whatever childhood experiences I got quite a few things hardwired in my head - the "my problems aren't as important as others", the "no one will understand certain things" (this one started as a teenager, I'm sure) and the "super-intense fear of being judged". A deadly cocktail of thoughts that, in my low moments, are overwhelming and frustrating.

I'm working on it, I'm really trying. February has been a very trying month and I'm leaving it behind with most of my sanity intact. I know that there are more trying times ahead, but it seems that a new month is bringing new hope ... at least, I'm trying to think of it that way.

Kudos to the boyfriend last night, who (for the first time in a LONG time) understood that he needed to shut up and not make anything about him. I told him that I couldn't tell him a lot of what I was thinking because it would upset him and I needed to take care of me and not him right now, and he didn't push the issue. He let me have a good cry as long as I needed to, cried with me sometimes and just let things unfold how they had to. We stayed on the phone as long as possible, but eventually he has to sleep for work. I don't want to make any predictions for tonight, better to let things happen as they will ... but better the slowly getting things out then forcing them all at once.

So what's been happening? It's a bunch of stuff - it's watching bill after bill come in and trying to keep on top of them all. I knew the first year was going to be the hardest, I knew that sacrifices were to be made - they're just coming at a time when I really didn't want to have to. I feel like I have a lot to prove - to show that I can function as a normal human can. That things were done (good and bad) and I can rise above them. I was doing pretty well, I think. There's still a learning curve and it's still a process.

There's the fact that I can't throw a good game of bowling. I know it seems petty, but when I can't hit an average that is 20 points lower then it was at the start of the year (and I was hitting it), it's pretty depressing. It's not being there for people I think need me, be it physically there or emotionally. If I can't take care of myself I can't help others, which is why I think I want to keep up this "wall of I'm Ok" so I can help others. There's league stuff, which is really hard to explain. It's an online gaming league, and I've met a grand total of 2 people from the league. But I've been involved with it for over 5 years, in one way or another, and (most of the time) I enjoy it. It's a really good outlet for my competitive side and sometimes I need that. I guess I expect too much from people - honesty and integrity and what-have-you. Why should people be like that when they can hide online?

Lately I've been feeling like I can't do anything right, which leads to "if I can't do anything right, why try anyways?". This leads to not wanting to do anything, for fear of messing it up.

One thing I really need to work on is my drive to succeed. I've stood back and watched things around me, convinced there was nothing I could do to stop them. In some cases that's true. In others, not so much.

So what's going to happen? I don't know. This weekend was another [scary] episode that needs to be dealt with. Therapy is coming up on Tuesday and I'm thankful for it, though sometimes an hour doesn't seem like enough time. I'm gonna call my mom. I've never been the "confide in mom" kinda girl, but I really need to reach out and talk to her - we're more alike then I admit. I will have to figure out how to talk to people, to get over this fear of judgments. I mean, sure, I know that people make snap judgments all the time, but that doesn't mean they'll think less of me (which I guess is the true fear). The fear that people will shun me for whatever I needed to do to cope and deal in the moment.

I think a lot of this comes from being home alone a lot. I guess I'm starting to understand why M wanted to get out and do things from the start - can't sit and think if you're busy and out. Unfortunately with the tons of trust issues I have I find it really difficult to put myself out there, to make friends. I'm working on it, it's all apart of the therapy, it's still a really slow process though.

I'm not sure how things are going to play out, I can only play with what I've been dealt. That doesn't make it easy, or right, or just. It is what it is, and I'm dealing with it all as best as I can.

Interconnected

2011-02-24T12:28:00.004-05:00

This week I tried to "disappear" from the online world - it took about 22 hours before I caved and logged into facebook. I just feel attached at the hip to social networking - even though I'm not very "social". I just wanted to distance myself from that a little bit, but it didn't really work.

I'm going to be honest - February has been a bad bad month - and it's not even over. Some things have happened that I normally would be really upset over but I have had to let slide, which is good and bad - good in that it's not bothering me (now), bad in that I haven't really dealt with a lot of things.

So what's a girl like me to do? Nothing, really. Rome wasn't build in a day and 25 years of habit is not going to be changed quickly. I'm trying to figure out how best to reach out, and to whom, for each thing. The fact is that in some situations I can't.

I guess my concern is articulating everything. I mean, I can get super-upset about something, but I have a really hard time explaining it to someone. Even though I think that first reactions and emotions are valid, I get extremely embarrassed when I try to explain why I was upset and how my reaction might not have been too logical. Also, too, is trying to explain things that upset me (as an example, via the league stuff) and no one understands why it I would stay with it if I get so upset. It's because trying to explain it to someone I can't really detail everything enough to make sense.

Does this all make sense? I feel like I'm running around in circles trying to explain my thoughts and it's not coming out right. This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. I can't take whats in my head, put it to words, and get people to understand. I have so many unique situations and habits and commitments that it's really hard to explain.

You know, it's not really that it's hard to explain, but it's that I worry people won't understand. And when people don't understand, I get nervous and anxious. Or I get judged, which is top of my list of things I fear. Which is a crazy fear, since humans are judged CONSTANTLY. I just don't want to be judged by my friends/family/peers, and I am, and (when I think about it) it causes my anxiety level to go through the roof.

I'm in over my head, aren't I?
I'm stopping this before I really stop making sense.
~ J

Your Experience vs Mine

2011-02-21T18:09:00.005-05:00

I am going to do something I have avoided in this blog (mostly) - Rant. I've never been a "ranter", I've been a "hide my opinions at the time and rationalize both arguments later" type of girl. Certain things I don't talk about, normally because I can't see the others' logic, and though I may utterly disagree I do recognize that people will/can reach different conclusions/opinions then me and I try to leave it at this.

However, I am trying to turn over a new leaf. As I've studied many philosophers in the last couple of months, I picked up on a concept (brought to us by Immanuel Kant) - the idea that if it's good enough for you to do, it should be good enough for me to do (and you can't complain about it!) I have struggled with this, because I try to do what I think is the right thing ... and sometimes that's not doing what others do.

That is neither here nor there, because I think I have finally reached my limit on something.
Your experience vs mine.

I get it, you want people to sympathize with what you're going through. I am a person who is very empathetic and sympathetic. So if you are going through something that you deem to be bad, or not just, or not right in any way I will try to sympathize and understand.

However, I can only really know what I've been through. Because it's bad for you doesn't mean I see it that way myself. Perhaps, being removed from the situation, I can see the silver lining.

I have to say, though, it really really grinds my gears when I say my experience - whatever it is - is bad, and someone belittles me by saying "Oh, you think you have it bad? Well blah blah blah". Sure, I can see how your situation is bad ... but guess what? EVERYONE deserves a bit of sympathy and space to moan because EVERYONE ELSE does it.

So, my beef - this rant - is because I don't really do that. I don't "bitch" - especially about the big things. I don't "bitch" in a public setting ... but sometimes, just sometimes, I want a piece of that pie everyone's always eating from. And you know what? If it's good enough for you, it should be good enough for me. So, instead of slamming me the moment I talk about it, how about saying "yeah, I can see how that might suck for you, even if I might go something similar and a bit worse". The fact of the matter being even though I can sympathize, I can never truly know what that experience is like until I live it.

On this vein, I'd like to mention that when things are good for me, and not so good for someone else I don't want to hear "how lucky I am" or "how much you dislike me for my good fortune" - good things in my life are either things I can control, or can't. If I can't control them, please don't attack me for it - I have no control over it and you should rejoice that someone you like is happy for whatever reason instead of trying to put yourself above that. And you know what, if it's something I can control - please try to remember that the good things in my life that I control I (have) work(ed) very very hard to have. The fact is I'm not a "lucky" person, I'm a person who has suffered from some mental anguish and I'm a person whose trying to better myself, because I want to. If there is something good happening to me, that I've done, wish me well - don't tell me how "lucky" I am, or how you "wish you had it so easy" or any variant of such. The fact is that even if some things came into my life by luck or chance, it's through my own hard work and dedication that I still have them.

You know what? Sure, things do happen that are just chance. I get it. And you want some sympathy because it's a great thing to get, to know that there is someone who is commiserating with you ... the only place I've really "talked about" or asked for sympathy ever (really) is on blogs, because I find it really really hard to accept that I might just be as deserving as others.

This doesn't really change anything - people are still going to be like this, I'm still not going to speak up - changes don't get made overnight. I just wanted this off my chest - because this is MY SPACE, that I've created FOR MYSELF, to say what I want, when I want, how I want.

I wanted to say this. And now I'm done.
~ J

In which we talk about thoughts

2011-02-11T18:11:00.003-05:00

So wait ... surprise ... more mind-musings. I'm going to have to do some crazy looping to make this all work ... so stick we me for a bit, shall we?

Facebook. Such a funny little tool. To sit here and lists all the pros and cons would just waste both of our time. What I can say, though, is that each person uses their facebook in a unique way - some don't post much (if at all) and either play games or just keep up with family; some do a sort of "over share", in which every last part of their day is documented for all to see. Some only post when things are really important. Some share happy things, some share sad things, some share political things. This is just noticings from my particular group of friends. The point being, everyone is different, everyone approaches it differently and everyone reacts to that differently.

For example, me. I'm a half-in-half kinda girl. I post when important (and sometimes not so important) things happen, and I describe them in as much detail as need be. This is because I want to share that with people on my friend's list. Sometimes though, I post things to get them out of my head. And it can be cryptic. Mostly it isn't.

This brings me to the reason for starting off this way (and hopefully get to what I originally wanted to write about) ... in which I got a phone call today from M. Unfortunately, I was in class and couldn't answer the phone, and wasn't able to check the message until I got home. Her message asked me if I was ok, because I was leaving cryptic messages on facebook.

I guess the thing for me is ... I'm struggling with the idea of "comfort" and who deserves to be comforted and when and how does one justify that. It came up in my last therapy appointment, so it's been on my mind all week. I grew up in a way that I never really learned that it was ok to ask for comfort. I learned that I had to take care of myself, and that idea has never left me. Unfortunately, as I moved into times where I wanted and needed comfort, it's always been hard for me to come right out and ask for it. Sure, there are so many people in my life who have said I could come to them if I ever needed it ... and sure, I don't ever doubt that sincerity, that these people would put aside their troubles (momentarily) to help me with mine. The fact is, though, that I suffer from an extreme amount of guilt in asking for it. There's a block for me between needing comfort and asking for it.

To bring this back to the facebook thing ... sometimes I post not to illicit a response or pity of sort, but because I am upset/angry/frustrated/insert emotion and I just need to get the thought out of my head.

I am trying to make a ton of changes to my way of thinking. On the one hand, this is the perfect time - since university is the "transition" time, and looking back at to what happened 6 months ago, I've made amazing progress! The thing is, I think now I'm trying to do too much at once. So I'm going through this back and forth ... taking a step forward, realizing I can't handle it at the moment, and stepping back again.

During this past week, I've seen some of the progress I've made slip away. I feel I'm straddling a line, so it's interesting to see everything from both sides at once. On the one hand, I have that voice in my head telling me to fight through and keep up with things I've been doing ... at the same time the old voice is getting louder. I guess perhaps it's just a bit interesting to note that for once, one voice isn't louder than the other.

Either way, I'm still searching for the perfect outlet for me, and knowing deep inside it doesn't exist. A part of me will want to air my thoughts and concerns and frustrations without any input from others, another part of me likes to know that others care and connect and relate to things I'm going though - the idea that we're not alone in our struggles.

As for what has happened this week, some of it can be ignored and others can't. I'm trying to get back to that "letting go" idea, of just noticing the bad things, dealing with them, and letting them go. This week I had a really hard time doing that. Next week I hope will be better.

~ J

In the paper?

2011-02-09T20:48:00.005-05:00

Clearly, this does not happen to me often, as I'm pretty much beside myself in GLEE.

There is a picture of me, in the paper.

Not only that, but a story I wrote (well, true story [minus a few details]) about how S and I came to be is there too.

Sure, it's not a big deal to anyone ... but it kinda is for me.

So that's a picture of him and I (ok, so it's almost 3 years old) ... but that's a picture of me, for people to see ... LOTS of people to see. People I've never met. People who I know ... people I knit with, bowl with, go to school with ... might see this.

And I'm freaking out, in all the good ways.

If this is your way of making it up to me, Universe, it's kinda nice.

~ J

In which we avoid things by blogging

2011-01-30T16:14:00.004-05:00

The list of things I could be doing is incredibly long. Of course, the list of things I want to do is short and non-productive. I will compromise and do the one thing that's on both lists - blog. Though, this is technically on my "non-productive" list, blogging for the U is on the things I should be doing.

Either way, I have some pretty big news.

Wait for it ...

....

.....................

I'm happy.

Not in that "I'm happy with my day" or "Happy with this situation" but ... HAPPY. As in, there are good things in my life, bad things, wonderful amazing things, stressful things, and I'm CONTENT with it all. For the first time in ... well, as long as I can remember, I feel happy with life in general. It's not just knowing that good things will come, bad things will come and I will deal with them ... but that maybe, just maybe, I can cope with them.

At the beginning of the year I took a notebook and each day, sometime after I get on the phone with S and before I go to bed, I take a moment to write down at least 1 good thing that happened to me today. Not even if it happened to me, just something that happened in the day that made me feel happy. Every day I've found at least one thing, even when I was having really bad days ... and it's just taking the time to NOTICE things, which is what this therapist has been trying to convince me to do. Next month I step the recording up a notch and write down not just good things that happened, but one moment I had a good feeling and why. For example: I'm happy, I got an A on a test. I'm excited, the Leafs won a game (finally LOL), or if I bowl great, or make a good dinner ...

I know, it seems weird to have to write these things down. However, I think it's really helping. I guess this is why P365 has been good for me too, because it involves noticing things. I mean, you'll miss a great picture if you're not looking, you notice the beauty in things you might have taken for granted before.

Regardless, when I called S this afternoon and we chatted for a bit and laughed I felt SO happy. Just happy. No strings attached. And, to top off the craziness of this, I feel happy for myself. I'm happy that I'm happy. This is INSANE.

Ok ok, I'm getting ahead of myself. There is still a LONG way to go - I still need to work on coping, I still need to learn to be ok with myself (physically, mentally, etc) and I need to take more pride in myself. The coping thing I can only work on as things come up. The being ok with myself I'm working on slowly, allowing myself to be in various states of dress or undress as I see fit ... so far, this is working well. I'm still going to be a bit self-conscious in public ... but I've always liked that this meant I dressed well for my size (mostly) ... hey, I'm working on it. However, for this taking pride in myself ... indulge me a minute ...

Things I am:
I am a pretty good writer - of course, there is always room for improvement ... but I feel confident enough in my skills that I could make a life out of writing. Maybe ...

I am a pretty good knitter - sure, it's all knit and purl, and I'm scared to touch a few more advanced projects, but I think I've improved crazy-amazing in the last year. Hell, two years ago I remember saying that someone wasn't going to make a knitter out of me (M is laughing at me now! LOL)

I am a good bowler. I'm not great - there are people better than me, and I haven't been bowling fantastic in the last few weeks ... but my average has gone up about 60 points since I started bowling 6 years ago, which is pretty awesome!

I am smart. I got good grades in my first term, I even managed to get As on midterms ... at the University level! Sure, I wrote off my getting into Uni because of being a mature student ... but I doubt they would admit a mature student with super-bad grades from high school ... and there may be things I don't know, but there are tons of things I know about (like my utterly amazing useless knowledge of pop culture).

I'm funny. And not one of those people who thinks they're funny and really isn't ... I'm one of those people who is quick on her feet with words, had naturally good timing, and can make almost anyone laugh. Ba-zing!

So, it's a short list ... but it's more than I've been willing to admit in a long time. I just thought that writing it down on this entry is good ... so if I'm having a bad day, or just a rough time with something ... I'll come here and read it, remember what I was thinking as I wrote it, and hopefully handle things better.

~ J

Is it really what it is?

2011-01-22T11:55:00.003-05:00

On Thursday one of my philosophy classes started talking about Seneca, a Stoic thinker. I listened with interest because I didn't know anything about this thinker, or knew what the word "stoic" meant, but have apparently been trying to incorporate many of the ideologies into my life for quite some time.

Stoics preach the idea of "it is what it is" and "everything happens for a reason" - two things I've always heavily believed in. Unfortunately, they also believe that there's no use worrying about things you can't change - and we all know that this is who I am, the Uber-Worrier. Stoics emphasize living in the present, in the moment - don't worry about the past, it can't be changed; don't worry about the future, you actually don't know what's coming.

When we talked about things you can't changed, the professor asked for examples. Someone said the weather, someone said natural disasters ... and I said other people. I heard the rustling of someone about to object as the professor made a bit of a face, ready to interject on how it wasn't exactly true. I replied that I can't change what other people do, but I am in control of my reactions - to which he replied is exactly how a stoic thinks. Of course, the point he was looking for was death ... but I spent the rest of the class focusing on my remark.

The idea of that I can only control my actions, and to not worry about anything other than that is what the therapist has been trying to get me to do and work on since September. In all honesty, many would say I've made great headway - I utterly disagree. The fact is that I do worry - I worry about what my reaction should be. Should I stay quiet and not cause drama? Should I speak my mind, even if it might possibly upset someone? The problem is I still worry - worry about judgment, worry about hurting others, worry about alienating myself.

I'm coming back to the facebook thing now ... it all ties in. No longer is it just drama-llama stuff, but stuff that is making me uncomfortable to read. My concerns are now if I speak up I would be inviting whatever drama I'm commenting on into my life, or be judged by others. If I don't speak up, I do myself ill-justice.

Facebook is a very interesting tool. It's a way to keep in contact with people one cares about, or ... in the case of looking up friends from long ago, used to care about. With my personal situation, I have facebook connections all across the states and Canada - from forums, from leagues, etc. Have I met everyone on my facebook in person (yet)? No. Are there people I've only added because I had to, for one reason or another? Yes. Can I get rid of them ... not exactly. They are people I will meet, or people I have to keep on for league reasons.

I think why I'm a bit upset about what I'm seeing is that many people (and, I can only comment on those on my list) think that EVERYTHING is appropriate for facebook. Oh, I'm having a huge fight with my husband? Every. Last. Update. on how terrible I feel needs to go on facebook. Hate my friend? Every. Last. Update. on what a terrible person they are - but, of course, they're still my friend on facebook so the drama bounces back and forth. Sexual innuendo? Racist ideals? Religion-bashing? They all need to be posted on facebook, multiple times.

I'm starting to be very dis-enchanted with facebook. If it weren't for a few people, I'd be done with it all together. However, it seems that some of those I care about only want to talk via facebook - so I'll keep it for now.

Sure, this seems a bit dramatic - I completely agree. The problem being is that by the time some topic or other makes it onto the blog, I've already been thinking about it or obsessing over it in some way for awhile.

Mentally, I'm getting better. However, it's like getting to the top of the hill only to now be able to see the mountain. I still worry about being judged, I still worry about upsetting people. I still worry about losing people who I care about because I think differently. Everyone is different, and I love that! Though it seems that even though I can recognize different ideas and respect them, others can't. I hate that I'm called a prude because I don't talk about sex in public. I hate that I'm called a heathen because I don't believe what someone else believes. I hate that people think I'm a bad person because I'm different in some way or another. But what hurts the most is people who say these things on facebook - either directly or not, but then act like my friend later (and this happens a lot on the league, especially with religion). For now, all I can do is not get involved.

Right now some pretty major things are going on in my life, and I don't know who I can talk to. I'm scared about my hip ... worried that I'm going to have to give up bowling all together. If I had posted on facebook what it's called, or the procedures that can happen, I would have been told to not worry about things until they happen - just like the last time this came up (with my hand). The reality? I don't know a single person who doesn't find out something might be wrong with them and doesn't google it to find out more. That's just the world we live in. I'm worried about my isolation levels ... though I dream of a life in a cabin in the woods, I know it can't be like this. I knew this even before I took the classes and learn the terms about why it can't be like this. I'm worried that I'm trying to escape more and more into a fantasy world that doesn't exist. The thing that concerns me most about this is that I'll start to conform my thoughts and beliefs just to fit in, and I really can't do that (especially in my mental state). I think what's happening is change is coming, and it's really scary. There are ties I'm not ready to break, but they seem to be coming.

...
Maybe it just is what it is though.
~ J

Srsly?

2011-01-17T23:09:00.003-05:00

So ... what's with the drama llama that's invaded my facebook? Obviously I can't post this there, but it's been driving me INSANE over the last few weeks. Every time I pop on facebook, someone else is posting stupid drama stuff - complaining about something dumb, fighting and putting others in the middle, or ... my favourite, the "my belief is correct and I don't mean to offend those who are different, but you're all wrong and ignorant anyways".

I think I've reached my limit of what I can stand to read and have really stopped going there. There are some wonderfully mindless games that I enjoy playing, but I really have to stop reading statuses.

If I can just find a steady study rhythm, then this wouldn't be a problem. I just can't seem to focus on the textbooks - the material is putting me to sleep. I'm terrified of falling behind, and here I am - awake - not reading, playing dumb games.

Ugh ... I guess this all boils down to feeling pretty crappy lately. Not good enough, not smart enough ... like I was crazy for even thinking I could strike out on my own and do this. Perhaps I haven't really acknowledged these thoughts ... the "low" wasn't "low enough" for me to notice it, but the seed of doubt has been around for a few weeks.

Either way, I'm in this for quite a lot of money ... might as well make the best of it?

If the drama llama is gonna be around for a bit, can someone sheer it so I have something to knit with?
~ J

All the lace, and the skin, in the shop ...

2011-01-14T12:17:00.003-05:00

Back to the grind. Term # 2 is in full swing, and I'm worried that I might have bitten off more than I can chew. Sure, one of my philosophy classes are required for my degree ... but did I have to take two of them in one term? It's not that the classes are boring - far from it! Just ... I didn't take any philosophy classes in high school ... so my first introduction to a class, and the required readings/papers is a University level class? It might not have been my brightest moment.

One of my Professors spoke to me about adding a another major - Italian. For the record, I can't speak any Italian. I've constantly used the whole "I'm a math-geek, I don't do well with languages" excuse ... and to an extend, it's true. I do struggle to pronounce things ... but it could be more my nervousness and fear of getting it wrong, and sounding/feeling stupid that prevents me from trying harder (and I'm sure my lisp doesn't help it at all). Regardless, when I thought about my last "attempt" to learn a language, I brush it off as a failed try. The reality? I took 9 years of French during school, and (one of) the reasons I got such a bad grade my final year was a switch in teachers during the year, my absolute loathing of her and my lack of trying. If I really wanted to, I think I could.

So am I considering it? Yeah, a bit. The issues revolve around Crim, and the requirements to get into 3rd year. To pick up Italian, I would need to take the uber-language-intensive courses - 1 each term, counts for 2 credits. If I take them in my 2nd year, I would only have 1 shot to get into the Crim program (granted I passed the class). I think Italian culture is interesting, the things produced from Italy are amazing (art, music, etc) ... am I willing to risk my Crim degree? Not really ... but when I weigh it all the really benefit to the Crim degree is the fact that it says "I'm competitive, do what it takes to get where I want, and I'm pretty smart" - since any Crim program is competitive. Any job I want with my degree I can get just as easily with a Sociology degree (technically) ... just food for thought.

Things went well over New Years and for the last couple of weeks with S. He's been pretty awesome lately, and I hope things stay this way for awhile.

The sister found out she's going to be having a little girl in June - to be named Sofia Elaine. I'm not sure where "Sofia" comes from (or this unique spelling), but "Elaine" is sister's middle name. I'm not surprised ... she has a flair for the unique and weird way of doing things.

I saw the therapist at school last week. He said to make an appointment if I felt I needed to, and I confided that just knowing that I could see him, that I would have appointments coming up gives me a bit of security. Sure, it seems a silly way to try to handle things - that I might be only able to get through a situation because I know there is therapy coming up soon ... but baby steps - whatever it might take to get through. I told him about the progress I felt I was making, and where I was still struggling. He explained about how things will starting getting better for me, now that I'm out of the "home nest" and being more independent and "noticing" things. I told him that I had taken one of my (blank) journals and started writing down positive things that happened to me during the day - even if it's silly, even it only matters to me, even if it's something I had no hand it doing (eg: a clear sunny day, the Leafs win a game, I had a really tasty dinner) ... but just stopping to think about and notice and only focus on the good things. The goal is to find at least one thing every day - there can be more, I can always write more, but I'm sure in a 24 hour period there is at least 1 good thing.

This weekend I will spend catching up on my reading, trying to enjoy some quiet time, and relaxing when I can. I feel a bit exhausted after my week - trying to be there for everyone and not able to, trying to take care of myself and slipping a little bit, pushing the limits of what I can do a little bit. I know, good practice for later years ... just baby steps for now, please?

~ J

Update, thoughts, goals - oh my!

2010-12-31T18:00:00.000-05:00

It's been 2 months since I wrote, and tons has happened. One thing let to another, add to the fact that I was blogging more for the University blog and low-and-behold, time has passed.

As far as school goes, the first term is done! I'm waiting for one more mark to come in, but things are looking great so far! For two classes (Lit and Grammar) my final grade is a B- (or an 8.0 on the scale) - I need a GPA of 8.0 to apply to 3rd year Crim, so this is a great start so far! I feel that if I had tried a bit harder I could have gotten better marks, but live and learn and know how to handle the next term better.

I registered for my classes, and got in for all the classes I wanted. It might be an intense term, but good prep for what 2nd year will be like.

S came to visit in November and it was great! Things went really well and it was nice to spend time with him. This was the first time (in 7 years) that we got a sense of what "living together" could entail. Sure, he lived with me for a year - but with my family too, and that makes it a bit different. Now we were in my place - having to make meals every day, do shopping, find ways to entertain ourselves. All in all it was good and I'm looking forward to our next visit (unfortunately, that's in May).

I also celebrated my 25th birthday at the beginning of December. I'll admit, I was apprehensive about spending the day completely alone - but it turned out to be a great day! I relaxed with movies, listened to the hockey game and made myself an incredibly fattening dinner - and didn't feel guilty about it. There was a "bump" in the road - namely, S's lame excuses for not having my birthday present on time (1st, let me say that I didn't expect a present, he said he would get me whatever I wanted. I said I wanted a long letter and he promised to write one). For the record, I did get the letter, but it wasn't until I came back from Christmas.

For Christmas I took a train to Toronto to visit with my family. I really enjoyed my time and felt a bit more comfortable at my folks' apartment - possibly because it felt more "homey" with things unpacked, possibly because my brother gave up his bed to me the last few days I was there - most likely, though, because I got to spend more time with them all then when I was there for Thanksgiving.

Tomorrow is 2011 - and at this point, we're T minus 6 hours until the big moment. Again, I'm spending the night alone - S is at his friend's for a New Year's party. Honestly, I'm still a bit stinging from last year's failedness, and was worried about this year. However, I feel I've grown up a bit more this year, and I'm taking measures into my own hand. We agreed on a time (way before midnight), he's been checking in with me during the day and I'm not staying up late. So far I've been hanging out in the living room, watching movies. I'm about to make a nice dinner, and I'll probably watch one more movie, treat myself to a bowl of chips and call it a night.

With the new year almost upon us, I think of resolutions. Mostly because I like "solid starts" to start improvement (new school year, birthday, new year, etc). However, this year I'm writing goals - things I would like to accomplish by the end of 2011. The BIG change for me, reminding myself that if I don't complete the goal, I'm not a failure. If I honestly gave it my all, then that's all anyone can ask for! It's a bit of a long, up-hill road ... but day by day, step by step!

Off to enjoy the rest of my night - more on goals and school later! *And I promise to blog a bit more here!*
~ J

Enter Sandman

2010-10-31T11:13:00.003-04:00

The good news I'm finally sleeping more ... or, more to my "usual" sleeping style - of sleeping until 4-ish, waking up, rolling over, and sleeping until 7 or 8-ish. I'm not as rested as I'd like to be, but the weight of 5 blankets (and 3 of them very thick, heavy-duty ones) as helped in the sleeping. Of course, now that I'm finally in a sleep pattern I can adapt to, S is due to visit in 2 weeks ... which will throw off my sleeping habits for weeks after he leaves.

Even though I'm getting comfortable being by myself, I still have my bad moments. Right now, I can't stand to be in the apartment without noise. When I'm studying, when I'm making dinner, even when I'm asleep - there is a noise of some sort - radio, TV, streaming stations from Toronto. It's comfort. It's necessary. It helps me feel safe. I never thought it would come down to that, I thought I would enjoy the silence ... not so much, apparently.

As far as my classes are going, considering all that's happened ... they're going well. Since I dropped the math class it seems a bit of pressure is gone, for now at least. I have 3 mid-terms left, and I feel so confident about 1 of them I don't feel too worried about the other 2. Of course I'm studying, re-reading ... once they're done I might be able to breath a bit easier. Still, I'm anxious about the marks.

I'm struggling with my psyche. I've spent the better part of my life telling myself how stupid I am, and yet here I am ... in University and holding my own. It's not a bad thing, it's just messing with my "reality", and I'm not sure how to handle it. Mostly I'm awaiting the epic fail. It's almost as if, when the ball drops, I can breathe again ... like it was meant to happen. Hopefully it comes sooner than later so I can stop fearing it.

Otherwise, I have nothing else to say ... well, I do ... I just don't know how to say it.
~ J

One or the other

2010-10-19T14:44:00.003-04:00

Dear University of Windsor Student Health Center:

Thank you, again, for being available to all on campus. I am thrilled to have found a doctor I am comfortable with, and who I have not feared talking to (perhaps this has something to do with never have met her before, versus the doctor I've known my entire life, but that's a different story).
I appreciate that you want to call people when their test results come back and they are abnormal in any way. However, and perhaps this my naive understanding (having never needed to receive a call like such), I expect that this call only comes when my test results show that I'm dying, have a cancer or have developed an STI or something that requires immediate medication attention. I don't expect you to call if you see that you need to stick me with more needles and that I might need to take some vitamins. Unless I need these right away, then call. Otherwise, if you see I have a doctor's appointment for a follow-up in a couple of weeks, and you know it can wait until then ... please wait until then!

UGH.

In other news: I. Hate. Ear drops. My ears have been buzzing lightly since the first day I took them, but it's thrown off my balance and I can't concentrate worth a damn. Couple that with the flu (thank you fellow students!) and I'm missing my first classes since I started university. Insert an incredible amount of guilt.

Also: when a therapist asks you to record every moment you feel an incredible sadness, you will (apparently) experience a week mostly void of it. This does not bode well for discussion in the counseling session, but made for a great weekend.

So, the catch is it's hard to feel incredibly sad if you feel incredibly guilty? I envision a life where one day I don't have to deal with either on the scales as I have known them.

To summarize:
1) Thank you to the woman who was trying to be nice, but perhaps it was better left alone.
2) Apparently I will either feel incredible sadness or guilt all the time ... one or the other.
3) I'm giving up this semester as a lost cause. Still going to try my best, but if I get a bad mark on a class it is what it is.

~ J

Just some stuff

2010-10-12T17:37:00.003-04:00

I haven't written in here because I didn't want to acknowledge that some things had happen or were happening or yadda yadda yadda. Basically, some stuff has happened - good and bad - and I'm not sure how to handle all of it.

I didn't fail that math quiz I thought I did, but I know for sure I'll have failed the one I took last week - I looked at the questions and completely blanked on the material. I did a midterm last Thursday and got a good grade, but I honestly thought I knew the material better - especially since a lot of the questions were history based and I thought I knew more about the time period. Regardless, when I do get the test back I will just use that as a guide of what I do need to study more on.

Into the heavier stuff - I did see the counselor, twice. I have another appointment tomorrow. Sometimes he comes across with this "how did you survive" look on his face, but I'm comfortable around him, so hopefully this works out. He says I can't get a referral I need but hopefully (one day) I should get it.

I got to see the family for Thanksgiving. Though it was great to see them, I found it hard to be in a space that wasn't "mine". I know I have an issue with this, brought to light when S was living with me. I mean to bring it up with the counselor tomorrow.

We also got news that my sister is pregnant again, with this baby due at the end of July. For the record, my nephews are 2 and 1 now, meaning them will be just 3 and 2 when this one is born. She also told me they weren't going to even consider having another baby until after the wedding, which is in May. Obviously that didn't happen. Again, I don't know if I can express my true feelings here - possibly because I didn't have anyone to express my thoughts right away with on Sunday, or the privacy to do it if they could have been there. Again, another issue the counselor gets to hear about.

Two massively important things - my constant worrying about relationships. I know I have this fear of losing them. I know this. I've been fighting it, I'm kinda tired of the back and forth. I know that I'm not #1 to everyone who is important to me, but I want to feel like #1 some of the time. Either way, I have this overwhelming feeling that I'm messing things up and badly. Of course, that does wonder for the part of me that is terrified of losing people. I mean, I can't constantly be saying "sorry for the yo-yo effects of my head-case-ness", but I can't expect people to stick around if I keep doing it.
The best I can say is really - I'm sorry I say the wrong things sometimes. I'm sorry that I'm not in the right mindset sometimes. I'm going to try and remember that there is a world outside of me, but there are times when I feel very self-absorbed, and though it's not acceptable, I have a feeling it has to do with my past ... and I'm working on it. I promise.

To the people I love more than anything in the world - please don't hate me for being a completely lunatic. Or, better yet, I hope you can forgive me for letting the crazy take over.

Lastly, another huge fight with S. I don't know what's going to happen tonight when we talk, I don't know what's going to happen with our future. Everything is up in the air, but I was super-emotional last night. Hopefully he will be using this time to think about the things said and we can talk about them. I'm willing to hear his side, his arguments ... but I need to know that what say is being taken seriously.

Otherwise, I'm living day to day as best as I can.
~ J

Updating for the Masses

2010-09-27T17:08:00.006-04:00

I have three blogs that I'm writing in now - each with various degrees of descriptions and vastly different audiences reading them. When something happens that requires updates in all of them ... WOW, is this a daunting task. Note to self - keep better track of things to update to certain places only when needed.

DOWN TO BUSINESS! (And, in numerical order, because that helps actually!)

1) In regards to the last entry - I am doing better. This roller coaster of emotions really needs to stop. I talked to S about things last night (because we can only really talk about things when I'm this calm) and discussed ways to help him deal with me in those moods, as well as things that just aren't good to say (since it has been something he said that triggered a bad mood into a VERY bad mood - but I'm not normally in my right mind either way). To say I'm happier is a technical lie, so I like the term "Calmer" or even lucid, if you will. When I'm in "my right mind" and not destructive. In this place I am rational, and don't want to post entries like the below. In those moments I feel as though the thoughts are consuming me, and there will be no rest until their out of my head - hense why they happen.
HOWEVER, though I can't guarantee they won't happen again ... I am trying to be pro-active to how I handle that.

Leading me to ...

2) I made an appointment with the counseling services at the U. Once I found out that I didn't need a reference I went in to do the necessary "profile analysis". This one was a "rate your mood from 0-4 for the last week". The number of things I had to check off 3 or 4 really concerned me. I'm glad I'm doing this now instead after mid-terms or something. Again, seems I'm with a male therapist. I have no problems with this. Hopefully we "click".

3) Doctor's appointment today. I asked about getting a prescription, checking my ears and please fix my hand. I love that they'll just give you a prescription without question ... so I might use that to get some SSRIs. She checked my ears and yes, still have an infection. However, I have won my fight and now get pills to deal with it instead of drops! ^_^ As for my hand, the story is such:
This is my left hand, which is attached to the arm with the worst of the eczema. The rash on the crook of my elbow has nothing to do with what happened to my hand *I know this!* But, because it is an open sore, it's worth a mention! Last Sunday (a week ago), I was studying, resting my head in my hand with my elbow on the desk like I always do and my arm went numb. I straighten it, the blood rushed in and all seemed right ... but whenever I bend my elbow for a minute I would get the pins-and-needles feeling. Not good.
I left an offline for M about it, she said it might be a pinched nerve. I figured it would fix itself and went about my day. Tuesday was when my fingers (namely, the pinky and ring finger) went numb - and stayed numb. By Friday S and I were very concerned. It came in varying degrees of numb and pain, so a Doctor's appointment was made. Though we did the stupid "internet what's wrong with me", I was pretty ok until this morning when I was starting to worry. S had guessed from the start that it was Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, and what we read online suggested that it might be. Of course, lots of people who get CTS need a surgery ... and I was worried about it.
As it turns out ... both M and S were right! Because I've always rested my left elbow on a table and put my head in my hand, the pressure on the nerves became too much and it did pinch. But, because of the frequency and repetitiveness of doing this, it caused the numbness in the fingers. When I asked her if it could be CTS she told that it WAS a form of CTS, just on the other side of the hand. She said though, that we might have caught it early enough to deal with it without surgery.
I went to the University Pharmacy and picked up all my drugs - the pills for my ears, aspirin for my hand, she prescribed cream for my rashes and another round of birth control. Physical scheduled for when I get back from seeing my folks, which is my follow-up for all of this. Ugh. Physical.

3) I'm almost 100% sure I failed my math quiz from last Friday. I'm not as sad as I thought I would be ... but I am concerned. I will know for sure tomorrow, and I already know I might have to contest a question if I don't get full marks on it (she posted the answer key Friday afternoon).

4) "Criminal Minds: Season 2" came in the mail today. I might have decided that Friday night/all of Saturday might be spent in front of the TV.

5) Formspring. Another UWindsor blogger linked it from her blog, I've kinda stolen the idea (as the woman who is running the 1st year blogger thing suggested I have a way for people to contact me) ... ask me a question if you want. You know, you can ask me a question in the comments. Or, if you start your own page let me know!

6) I don't want to be sick anymore.

7) This is getting really long, isn't it?

8) I guess I really should end this, make dinner, do the dishes and study. Or take out the garbage. Or deal with the recycling. Or ... just goof off.
Rawr.

~ J

---

2010-09-24T15:43:00.005-04:00

Today I realized that I feel trapped.

Trapped in who I am, and what I've become.

I need an outlet.
I feel I have none.

I know I'm looking for answers. I guess I was hoping that someone would be able to guide or point me in the right directions. Lately it feels like I'm running around in circles.

I put so much faith in the signs, even if I wasn't so sure about them.
Perhaps I made them up to justify my choices.

I don't know what's good and what's bad for me any more. I don't know what are the right things to do or the wrong ones.

All I want to do is write, and write and write and write. If I think about if it will make me feel better, I don't know. Perhaps it's all a moot point.

I think I want someone to understand. Someone to say "you're not alone" and even a "I think I understand" ... because really, no one has had my exact history. No one but me has known who I knew/know when I knew them.

I think this all boils down to I want people in my life. And right now it just feels like people stepping in and out of my life. Sure, some come in and out more frequently then others, some leaving more of a mark or impression ... but that very rarely does it feel like the people I want step in when I need them. Or, it feels like they're there but I can't tell them how much I need them.

The person I constantly say "I need you" to has no idea how to handle me in those moods, and yeah, it's utterly frustrating. Not their fault in the slightest. The person who will understand ... how can I ask them to make time for my drama?

I think a lot of these feelings come from being isolated. A part of it is my fault. A part of it is the disease. A part of it is ... I'm not sure?

Right now, all I can think of is "I've made the biggest mistake of my life".

I can transform you ....

2010-09-23T19:07:00.002-04:00

In the interest of keeping myself busy, and at the same time avoid everything that truly needs to be done, let me update here.

1) I am alright. I am the type of person to let things boil and fester deep inside me, only letting them out a bit at a time when permitted. As such, with things simmer so close the edge lately it was only a matter of time before it boiled over again. Though I want to say I feel ashamed of what I said/felt, I'm learning (very slowly) to accept that these feelings are there, real and need to be dealt with.

That being said ...

2) I'm working on it. Things have to be done, things need to be done and they eat the time that I can get to go to offices and make phone calls to get the proper help. Unfortunately, this means that nothing might happen until Monday. I'm not thrilled, but something is better than nothing. I want a proper Doctor, I'm not sure if it's possible. More research needs to be done, and I wish I had more time.

3) I am angry at myself that I can't get the words out when I need to. A lot of things have been building for months and I'm not sure there is an outlet for it at all. I need a place or person that I can tell everything to, start to finish, without fear of judgment, without fear of it becoming about someone other then myself, without the listener not really caring, without the listener freaking out and where there is no anger. Such a place/person does not exist because people have their own problems, people have other people's issues to deal with, people have lives, strangers on a forum can only care so far and I have such a strong fear of being judged (by strangers and loved ones) that I've made myself (physically) sick from the thought of getting it all out. Because of this, I have to speak in vagueness on a blog and hope that it gets enough of the problem out of my head so I can make it through the next few days until I need to pour myself out here.

4) I haven't been crafting. I have no desire to craft. I feel I'm losing myself to the disease again and slightly powerless. Not as powerless as last time - this time I have the want to deal with it, just not the means.

5) In the realm of good news, I might have found a name for what I go through. It's only a guess, and self-diagnosing on the internet is never good for anyone. But this time - if I can get to a therapist - I can say "I read about this, I satisfy some of the symptoms, can I at least be tested as a starting point to getting better?" ... if it's not what this is, no harm done. If it is, then I might be able to get the right medication and the right treatment.

6) Otherwise, I am feeling very blah lately. Going through the motions, not really taking anything in. I've literally BS-ed my way through any assignments I've had this week. Though I've been lucky to get decent grades on them, I am formulating a plan to revise my study methods - err - figure them out.

~ J

Blank

2010-09-21T22:54:00.004-04:00

There is so much to write, so much to say ... so much to pour out ...

And all I can think about was how I was needed and wasn't there.
I think about what I needed and no one was there.

I'm not scared by emotions. They're ... safer? Something real at least.
I'm scared when I have no emotions. When emotions run so high that I'm blank. Neutral. S says it's actually really scary to hear.

I feel disgusting.

Rain Tripped the Panic Switch

2010-09-16T16:33:00.003-04:00

Since my last post, I really have to give the shout out to S ... who has just be amazing. He was on the phone with me Saturday as I dissolved (it was a 4 hour process ... from when the argument started, to the situation, to when he felt he could leave me be and felt safe knowing I would be). He has been amazing this week, staying up late with me every night, talking, making jokes ... letting me have my say and knowing just when to take my mind off of it.

Of course, having things constantly compound the problems don't lead to getting better.

Wednesday, I had my first Sociology class. The class wasn't a lecture, but an introduction to the Professor and the course. He was talking about the type of material that was going to be covered, and one was a point about how society (can) influence the actions of a person. For his example, he choose "a person who is suicidal". He proceeded to make many references, and quite a few of them in a joking matter ... to which the majority of the class laughed (I was sitting in the front, so I couldn't see if everyone was or not). You can guess I'm sure, that I was not. This hit me two-fold ... not just for my experiences with someone who has committed suicide but for what I've gone through personally. The fact that this came so close after Saturday night ... the irony was not lost on me.
On the one hand, the points he was making were relevant - technically. The fact that he did it in a joking matter - not cool. Could he have chosen a better example, of course (and again, much love to S for letting me rant about all the better options he had and why this was, statically a bad choice). Never-the-less, there is no other class I can transfer into. It's not just that they're all full, but there is no other class on Wednesday ... and since I've already planned out every other day of the week ... I think I might be stuck.
I'm. Not. Thrilled.

The second bad thing happened today, in which I experienced an infusion of panic and loneliness. Today I had 3 classes, and (thankfully) my last class is one that I look forward to ... so I do (normally) feel very calm coming out of it. But I walked out and it was raining. Normally, this is not a problem. I love the rain! I love the smell, I love the feel ... and when people complain about the rain I always joke that they need not worry unless it's acid rain. However, I picked this apartment because it was within walking distance of the campus (and I liked it, but I digress) ... and even though I get on the one sidewalk and walk until I get to my building ... I'm still getting used to the grooves and cracks of the broken parts of it (unlike at home where I knew every single crack in the ground). As you well know, easily twist my ankles ... so I have to be very careful when I walk ... but the most important thing are my glasses. I am not blind of course, but I need them to see clearly ... otherwise, it's a huge blur of shapes and colours ... maybe. The rain was coming down so hard there was no way I could wear my glasses and see clearly ... and I started to feel anxious. I took them off and tried to adjust my eyes ... everything now was a blue-grey with headlights and stop lights just twinkles of colours. I figured that, even though it was raining decently and I couldn't wear my glasses ... it wasn't bad enough that I couldn't walk home, if I went slowly. So I started ... and as soon as passed the point of any real "shelter", the skies opened and the rain came down in sheets.

Anxiety turn to full-blown panic ... and I'm not really "equipped" to handle that. I deal with anxiety because it's so constant for me now there seems to be nothing I can do. I tried to text S to see if he could call - his voice is the SUPREME comfort to me ... anything seems manageable if I can hear his voice. He couldn't, he was still at work. I didn't think M was in class, but she said she had something happening tonight she needed for school ... and I had no idea what time it was starting.

Rain is normally soothing to me, but every drop seemed a very painful sting and a bit of a slap in the face. Nothing is sacred when you deal with depression? Nothing is untouchable - anything can be used against you? It seems so silly, but I felt as though my world was crumbling. NEVER in my life has rain been a cause for panic ... and here I was, wanting nothing more then to escape from it, but having to walk super-slow because I couldn't see.

Eventually (obviously) I made it home, but even though I'm in warm clothes I'm shaking like a leaf. I feel that my belief that I can get better has been shattered. That even the simplest things can be turned against me. That I've put too much dependence on others and now I can't function without them. I don't envy S when we finally get on the phone tonight ... I'll be a mess.

I'm worried I'll start to question all my joys in life. I was going to make spaghetti for dinner. Should I not in case I choke on it?
UGH. I hate this.

So I'm a mess (clearly). I wrote this out on DF, and now here and I'm feeling slightly better. Still confused, still worried ... still shaking.
I'm skipping school tomorrow. Thankfully it's only a math lab.
I am going to craft until I'm blue in the face. Maybe.

~ J

She carries on, in her own way

2010-09-13T17:16:00.003-04:00

To some people, the last entry seemed like a vague collection of thoughts, just to get out of my head (like I said). To those who know me (and know me well) they might have seen behind the veil, and might have even guessed as to what I went through.

I'm writing here to let everyone know - regardless of what you thought I was talking about - that I'm OK. I'm not ready for the "What happened? Tell me about it." and the "you can always come to me". I can't. The fact is that I felt utterly alone while the whole thing was happening, and feelings like that don't normally happen without a good reason.

The truth of it, really, is that I feel more isolated and alone here than I ever have. That, if anything bad happens to anyone (mentally) I worry about either (a) I've (in)directly caused it and/or (b) I can't do anything to fix it. There's is not one situation that I can't think of that I felt neither of these applied to. I want to be there for others and I can't. I hope others can be around for me and they can't.

Really, it's a two-fold game. I have to learn how to cope with what I'm going through. I have to learn when to speak up and learn when to stay quiet. Right now I want to choose silence.

I've activated my account at DF again and I might be spending more time there if I can. Hopefully it will act as less of a trigger and more of a "drawing strength from others" ideal.

Since Saturday night everything has been a "by-the-minute" thing, with every hour seeming like a victory. I don't like that feeling. Hopefully it goes away soon, or, I get too busy to even think about it.

In other randomness - a song I've played constantly this weekend. Not for any hidden meaning, but just for the fact that I like it.

~ J

Just Sleep ...

2010-09-12T02:14:00.004-04:00

The mental side of things can be exhausting. Perhaps I just didn't realize how much I can put myself through until it got to the point where I had no where else to turn.

The last 12 hours have been a low point - a point I never thought I'd see again. I don't want to put my problems or issues on to others, so I do my best to hide or deal with the worst of them. I guess though, when it all bubbles up - when everything comes on so fast there's no stopping it ... where does it all go?

So many emotions, so many problems, so many issues ... not enough solutions.

I find it hard to talk about any of these things. I don't want to be a "trigger" to anyone else. I don't know how to explain these emotions without feeling stupid. My biggest fears are linked to these emotions - more specifically, linked to attempting to talk about them. I fear your thoughts, your judgment.

I hate hearing "everything is going to work itself out" or "just relax and it will all been fine" ... it seems like all I've heard for the last month, and if tonight is any indication, nothing is fine.

I'm putting this here for the simple reason of having the words leave my head. Will sleep come then?

I don't know where to turn or how to explain this at all. Miss-communication resulted in a breakdown - perhaps needed, but one that I was trying to avoid.

Looking back at what's already happened, and what's still to come ... I'm in big trouble, aren't I?

~ J

Meet me in outer space

2010-09-07T14:59:00.002-04:00

Now approaching critical mass. Tonight, I trek to the bowling alley in hopes of joining a league here. Tomorrow, a full day at the University for Orientations and such. Thursday, first day of classes. If I wasn't really sleeping before I don't expect to sleep much in the next few days. S has been amazing - staying up late with me until I feel tired in the hopes I will be so exhausted or tired that I sleep right away. It doesn't always work, but reading at night has helped too.

Sunday I went to the Harrow Fair with my friend from my knitting group and her husband. The fair was small, but cute and very nice. There were rides and fried foods. People entered animals, crops, pies, jams, and crafty things to win ribbons (and perhaps money, I'm not sure). As we walked through the crafting building, I noticed that there were latch hook rugs on display - with ribbons! Turns out there is a category for latch hook, along with many knitted things. Of course, once I got home I quickly pulled out the big box of latch hooking things to decide what to make to enter. The item that is entered must be made within the last year, meaning I couldn't start it *technically* until Monday, but I did sort the yarn in preparation. Monday I started the pattern and after only two days of working ... well, you can see how I've progressed:

As you can see, rugs progress much faster doing them in the 10x10 blocks on the grid. MUCH easier. This kit, called "Pots of Pansies" was a gift from M last year (whether I opened it for my birthday or Christmas I can't remember LOL) but I love the colours in this -they POP amazingly! The shading on the flowers is brilliant. Even if this doesn't win anything next year, it will look so nice hanging on the wall in the living room.

It's nice to get back into latching. Mostly because I'm terrified that any knitting I touch I'll make mistakes at every turn. Until I'm more settled and calm, I might stay away from it and enjoy a month of latching.

The only other news I have is that S *finally* got his first cell phone bill. This completes the paperwork he needs to cross the border and we can finally decide on dates and activities; such-and-such. We know it'll be in November, but dates haven't been really decided. We're anxious to figure it out, but waiting until I get though this first week of classes so I'm more calm/rational -- especially since I'm the one who makes sure that everything comes together when we see each other.

~ J

Mr. Lonely

2010-09-03T14:09:00.006-04:00

If I could honestly figure out how to make this stop, I would.

I can't lie any more, I'm dealing with some supreme jealous feelings. I'm trying really hard not to let them get to me - it's not fair to anyone. The fact is I'm feeling jealous and it's entirely because I'm feeling extremely lonely.

I know that I am needed; I am loved; I am appreciated; I am missed. I know that everyone is wishing me well and luck and that everyone hopes I feel better soon.

September has come a bit quicker than I would have liked. I stressed myself out too much with the move, I stressed myself out too much with being alone. I worried about cooking for myself and about money (both of which I still worry about). I'm utterly nervous about school - not just the first day but getting through it all.

The thing I'm craving most - people I can trust. I miss coming home to people, or knowing that people were coming home soon. It's not just a noise thing, or a comfort thing, but a security thing as well. I miss having someone around to offer a hug - as I think that physical reassurance is something I'm missing the most.

Since I've been here I suffered an injury (my ankle hurt for almost 3 weeks). I've been very ill twice. I haven't slept well at all (and I'm getting less amounts of sleep every night). I don't eat much and I almost always eat the same meals because anything else I've tried I've burned.

I'm jealous because I don't think I can just "go out and make a friend" ... I have a supreme trust issue that I don't really like to talk about ... it's my own burden to carry, really. However, because of this I worry constantly. I either hold people at arm's length away, afraid to trust them at all ... or, trust too quickly and (worry about) getting burned.
I don't like large crowds. I don't like not knowing things.

The majority of people entering 1st year are my brother's age. I sometimes feel I'm 24 going on 30. I'm not going to University to make friends ... because this feels like my last chance ... but I feel that I'm going to go stir crazy and hurt myself (mentally) if I'm alone for the next 4 years.

I want to go out and have fun. I want excitement and adventures, romance and passion. I'm jealous because I don't know how to make these happen ... or I have to wait a very long time for a flicker of any of this.
You say it's just as simple as going out and making friends. I honestly don't think I know how. Any friend I have - almost all by accident or chance, I think. Everyone else - acquaintance. Perhaps people I want to know better and become friends with.
...
I can't shake how incredibly stupid and pathetic I would feel and sound if I said to someone: "Can we be friends?"

~ J

The things we don't say

2010-08-31T17:01:00.004-04:00

Blogs are an odd thing, don't you think? It's a journal - a record of thoughts on any number of subjects. People blog for many reasons and when I reflect upon the idea of a blog, I have to admit I laugh.
Of course, there are blogs to inform - to pass along information on a topic. There are blogs that review things, blogs that show things and blogs that let us keep up to-date on the lives of people we care about who do blog. It is the private blog I find amusing - the only in which the writer starts out in the first post by saying this blog is for them. A place where they can record their thoughts (appropriate or not) without fear of being judged. Of course, then this person would have the most publicly possible blog, in which anyone can read it. This blog is such a blog.

So I'm having a laugh at myself - a good hearty laugh - at just how foolish I am. What really is the purpose of a blog, a place for my thoughts as they come, if I can't be honest? Have you being reading between the lines? Have you seen the things I have not said?

In all fairness it is my fault for not saying them. You see, among the handful of people I know are reading this ... there are a few who are not strangers, but people whose opinion matters. Their opinion of me, and my thoughts and how the years of belitting myself has made me not want to lose face value to those who I care about. The problem is, Dear Reader, that this "safe place" I've created doesn't feel safe.

Of course, you say, there are many ways to rectify this. On one hand, I can throw caution to the wind and hope that if I put my true thoughts and feelings on any number of topics that they will still feel the same about me. I can, of course, begin a paper blog and write - and I do intend on doing this. I have bought the journal I wish to use and ... am waiting. What for, you may ask? Possibly for school to start ... I like beginnings. I don't start in the middle or the end when I can start at a beginning. Why start on September 1st, or 2nd, when I can start at the beginning of school? My OCD wins out. I can continue in the manner of which I've been writing. Although this place isn't completely safe, I know that I can take the thoughts in my head, spin it a few times and turn a phrase here, so to speak. I can talk about the topic in a "beat around the bush", sort of way. I could go back to writing only about crafting and day-to-day things and only day hope that I can trust myself enough to trust my friends. Or, I guess I can do a combination of all of the above and hope for the best.

So today I come with a topic, brought on by movies, text messages and hours of thought. Today my thoughts centered on two topics: passion and goodbye.

One may think that they have nothing to do with each other, but in fact, my world is filled with both. Unfortunately, every day I deal with "Goodbye" and only rarely do I get greeted by "Passion".
If you have been following this blog for some time then you will have notice that I almost rarely speak of intimacy. If you have been following you will know who S is, what he means to me and have guessed at who he is to me. In my entry about the last time I saw him there was no point in speaking of intimacy in relation to him. Should your thoughts have gone there, I'm sure it was implied. Should they have not (and there was no need, really) then there's no need to worry. This blog was created as a place for myself - to expel thoughts that needed to be out of my head. Intimacy with another is not something I need to share.

However, today I am so overwhelmed with thoughts of Passion and Goodbye that I can not hold my tongue much longer. This is on my mind because of a bit of texting, between S and I. We have spent the entire month texting during the day and I have been quite happy to feel connected to him constantly and we chat about everything and anything we want.
This morning I was re-reading entries in a number of blogs I enjoy following, and certain descriptions of events made me crave a bit of passion, a spark of excitement. Unfortunately, what I was craving and what I was going to get ended up being very different things.

My relationship with S, as wonderful as it can be and as trying as it can be has always been filled with Goodbye. It's a word I say to him every single day. Goodbye is easier said when I don't have to see his face as I say it, but sometimes it stings just the same. I realize that I must lay in the bed I've made. Though our story is interesting and unique we are the ones that have chosen this path. If, at any time, anything happening became too unbearable we could have done something to change it. For me to sit here and wax poetic about how terrible it is does it injustice. I know that I have many things with S that others can only dream about. Yes, we have our moments of stupidity, our tragedies and our triumphs. We have pulled through where many many others have failed.

... But do you remember passion? The feeling when everything was new and exciting? The tension, the butterflies, the fireworks ... can you recall them? If I take a look at relationships I've known - not mine, but others - past and present -- I can see the trends. The couple has passion, drive, excitement ... perhaps they marry and/or settle into a routine of life. Perhaps the passion stays ... I guess more often then not it doesn't. Perhaps the couple is comfortable with this, maybe they're not. They stay together until someone passes, or until someone decides to leave. Once again someone (or both parties) are single. If they are older then perhaps they've decided that their life has been lived, and that passion - however wonderful it can and could have been - is done for them. If they are younger they could seek new romances, new passion - in the form of another relationship or flings or whatever makes them happy and gives them what they need.
My relationship has fleeting moments of passion. I will admit, I sometimes wonder if they're more intense then others ... but the passionate instances are few and far between. Goodbye is more common to me than passion. I look at these relationships, and notice that when there is/was passion, there was not as many goodbyes.

I speak, of course, of the passion that drives humans as couples. When I speak of goodbye, I speak not of a permanent one, but one in which one closes a door. I guess, to best illustrate this, I look to my relationship with S. No matter how hard we try, we don't share one life. Goodbye is merely a short form of "I have to return to my world now, and perhaps we will speak/see each other again soon".
The passion we have, when we are at this distance, is fleeting, and sometimes unfulfilling. Even if I can lose myself in the moment, at some point there is a reminder of the space and distance that separates us.

Lately, as I mentioned in a previous entry, I am fighting a battle with jealousy - a demon am I have yet to conquer. Jealousy and I have been old friends, one of the first strong emotions I can ever recall feeling. The simple thing is that I am creating it in myself. Unfortunately, I have yet to find a way to explain how strong it is, the feelings it evokes and how best to avoid the situations it comes up in. What is happening is that many people I care about are experiencing new and exciting things in their lives - while I am happy for them, I am longing for the passion I'm assuming is happening to them.

This may all sound jumbled, as I try to jump from one thought to the next and explain it. I send a brief message to S and he is calling in a few minutes and hopefully I can bounce some of this off of him and find out what he thinks. He is the only one I can be truly honest with this about, because this concerns him.

To be perfectly honest, I am worried that this longing for passion, which has been building for some time will explode. How strong am I to avoid it should it present itself? Is a moment of passion worth a forever goodbye?

~ J

What have you been doing?

2010-08-21T11:14:00.004-04:00

As I've reviewed my previous entries - especially in the last couple of months - I've noticed that I've talked about emotions, and feelings, and things related to those ... but I haven't talked about actual "things" - about places I've gone, things I've crafted, etc etc.

First, a crafting update. And this is a long one! I've off handedly mentioned some things I've knitted here and there, but I haven't posted pictures or anything! So ... some links! Thankfully Ravelry has an option to allow users to share the project pages - so even if you're not a member, a user can set a page so everyone can see that. Of course, I loved the idea! So here is a list of projects, not in any particular order, but stuff I've knitted since about May onwards! (For those curious - the names of the projects are what they are named in my page in Rav)

Cozy Manna
Diagonal Dishcloth
Dishcloth - Bear
Dishcloth - Bears
Dishcloth - Flower
Dishcloth - Prairie Flower
DW Dishcloth
Evlish Leaves Dishcloth
Flower Dishcloth
Hanging Tea Towel
Hanging Tea Towel - 2
Heartfelt Handmade (July)
Kitchen of the Month - Aug. Dishcloth
Kitchen of the Month - Aug. Towel
Kitchen of the Month - Sept. Dishcloth
Kitchen of the Month - Sept. Towel
Plastic Bag Sleeve
Quickie Dishcloth
Shelly & Tommy Housewarming Gift
Summer Swap Dishcloth (1)
Summer Swap Dishcloth (2)
Summer Swap Towel
Towel of the Month - Sept. Towel

Yes, there is an "unholy" number of towels and dishcloths. They are instant gratification projects ... but because of the emotions of the last handful of weeks they've helped me stay calm. They're something I can knit while watching TV and playing games on the lappy and texting whomever, and even S remarked last night have multitasking SO much has kept me calm.

The last two patterns are called "Simple Towel", and the pattern was "designed" by me. I'm sure that someone has done this pattern before, or knit it by accident ... but I didn't see it anywhere on Rav, so I knit one ... refined, and knit it again ... and posted the pattern again for others to use. I've noticed that 17 people have favoured it, and that's a bit exciting! ^_^

Since I've been in Windsor I've walked around Downtown and absolutely enjoyed the view of Detroit from Riverside. My sister, brother-in-law and nephews came to visit and had a blast with them! Anywhere I've needed to go since I've been by myself (with the exception of when I had visitors) I've walked everywhere. It's very liberating to know that almost everything I need is within an acceptable walking distance (though, if I need to go to Zellars/Metro/the nearest Wendy's it does take 40 minutes one way).

On Thursday I went to my first University event on my own. It was a "commuter event", for those living in Windsor and surrounding area, attending first year but not living on Campus. There wasn't many there, but I had fun and learnt a few things from others at the school.

There's not much happening in my last two weeks before school, but a few things - my knitting group meets on Monday afternoon, which is a nice treat. My first meeting was two weeks ago and I was instantly accepted when I walked in the room - a very nice feeling. The bowling alley that I will be bowling at has free bowling from the 20th to the 26th, so I'm thinking about going ... it will also give me an idea of travel time to the alley via bus. After looking at my schedule I realized the only day I have really available for bowling is Tuesday/Thursday, and Tuesday was a night that runs a league I was interested in, I think that's when I'll go. Otherwise it's more knitting, more relaxing, more getting used to living on my own before the insanity starts.

On the "previous home" front, I've heard from my Mom that they have an apartment lined up! They'll move in there in October, and I'll be following about a week later with a Thanksgiving visit. I know the area well - they are moving into an apartment that's right behind my mom's favourite restaurant (and literally across the street from the bowling alley Dad bowls at). They will be further from where they work, but closer to both alley's that Dad goes to, right on major transit line for the brother to find work and they can keep the kitties. Win-wins all around.
I still haven't made up my mind on my mode of transit to go back - Train is faster, bus is cheaper. Ugh ... decisions, decisions!

On a final note - I got a bit of "care package" from Mom & Dad - some of my mail that was delivered there, some things I didn't bring that they didn't want to throw out and presents! - Butterfly wall stickers to go in my bathroom and ... "Criminal Minds: Season 1" on DVD for me (to get my fix)! It was an amazing surprise that made my day! ...

And on that note ... I've only got 12-ish episodes to finish before I'm done with it!
~ J

I'm miles from where you are ...

2010-08-14T14:29:00.002-04:00

Today, at 6 pm, marks 3 weeks since I moved in. Yes, I am SO geeky and nerdy that I remember the exact time the landlord unlocked the door to my apartment.
If you had told me this time last year that I'd be living on my own, or without S, or in a new city with humidity 10 degrees higher than I ever experienced - I would have laughed. Laughed until the tears rolled down my cheeks.

Last week I was sad that I wasn't as social as I had hoped to be. This week, I relish it. I've enjoyed simply knitting and watching movies. I'm learning to be more comfortable with myself and testing my limits on things I didn't before - like sleeping with the bedroom door open, eating as much or as little as I want. Just something as simple as sitting in the living room to relax has been a treat.

Of course, this relaxing period will end soon. School is just a few weeks away and I'll be busy with classes, bowling, knitting, studying and various such-and-such.

This whole time I've been stressing about making friends. I don't seem to make friends easily, and it's largely due to not wanting to get close to others. I have two best friends, which is more than some people can say and I'm truly lucky to have them. That means, no matter what the problem or concern or situation there is someone I can talk to about it (if I find the courage to bring it up, of course).

In a recent blog post, someone mentioned the quote of "Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it" ... but the more I think about the quote (historically, as well and literally and realistically) I find myself very frustrated. We don't forget the past, as the quote implies. From a young age the history of events are drilled into us - we know that those older and wiser must know these facts to. We condition our minds to remember important things and facts that happened not only to ourselves, but others. The simple fact is that we don't forget, and yet history can (and will, and has) repeated itself. We are not doomed, as the quote implies. Things happen for a reason and though perhaps we can't see that reasoning now, one day - some day - it'll all make sense.

So as I reflect upon this ideal I consider high school, where I didn't make many friends, and I don't really talk to the friends I had any more ... but that just because I'm forgetting things from high school doesn't mean I'm "doomed" to go through the same things again. I have knowledge now that I didn't have then, and I can make better and more informed choices. This time around, should I have the opportunity to make friends I will not be burdened by the mental issues that haunted me then. I will have a great support system then I did then. I am older, wiser and vastly more mature then I was 10 years ago.

Naturally, though I can rationally speak of this now ... the anxiety and "pressure" I'll put on myself as the school year starts will be immense. However, I must remember the simple fact that I'm not going to University to party and make friends. I'm going to earn a degree, to be qualified for a career, to gain more knowledge than I have. Should I make friends along the way - that is a bonus.

Any ideas of how I can remember this rational thinking in 3 weeks?
~ J

Green-Eyed Monster and other updates of such and such

2010-08-10T13:35:00.004-04:00

I've been in Windsor for just over 2 weeks now. Since I've been here I've done a lot of thinking, lots of crying, lots of cleaning, lots of moving items ... I've severely twisted my ankle, caught a summer cold and played a few session of bingo (won a grand total of $17 thus far).

I was worried about how I was going to adjust. Like I mentioned, this is the right step and I'm both nervous and excited to do it, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to close that door - the "never living with your parents again" door. Again (like I said in the last entry) I adored living with my parents and brother ... I even miss the kitties ... but once I got through that first weekend by myself things got better. I can almost cook an entire meal without burning something ... and I've managed to cook without setting off the fire alarm! I'm getting used to the outside noises and the layout of the rooms.

There are downsides to being in Windsor. Last week I had a very real lesson in the "You have jealousy issues". I was doing a bit of reading about it the other night, and I came across a quote that really jumped out at me.

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James

Of course, the idea of "I'm not good enough" is something I struggled with for years. Still struggle with even now. Since reading this, I've been trying to remind myself that every time I have a feeling of jealousy that it's not because there's something wrong with me. That this might be something someone couldn't get from me, for any reason - and that doesn't mean they don't like me, or don't appreciate me, or that I'm not good enough. It really is a day-by-day process, and I deal with it as each occasion arises. Work in progress, I promise.

Speaking of WIPs, I've spend some time sitting on the couch, watching trashy TV. That is to say, I have Seasons 1 and 2 of "The O.C" on DVD and have found it wonderful to knit by. I've also acquired the rest of the Harry Potter movies I didn't have, so an HP marathon (years 1 to 6) is in the plans. I've been knitting like crazy - dishcloths and towels mostly, and enjoying it a lot. I'm sure the fall/winter bug will kick in soon and scarves will be in everyone's future. For now ... if you have a home, don't be surprised if I'm trying to pass dishcloths to you at some time.

In other note-worth news, I've been to my first meeting of the Essex Library Knitters (and crocheter!). They meet on every 2nd and 4th Monday and they are just the sweetest ladies. Funny, talkative - they like to show and tell and I got to show off the dishcloth I made with cables (don't laugh - cables belong on anything you want them to be!). I felt utterly welcomed and accepted right from the start, and it was extremely comforting! I'm excited for the next meeting and hopefully can keep going right through 2nd semester.

As for up-coming events - there are some University things happening soon. I'm going to the campus next week to pick up my student card (making it more official then the email I got with how much I owe them for the joy of studying at their school). There's a BBQ for people living in the area and commuting ... I might just go to that. Of course, Windsor Welcome Week starts September 5th, and it's not as far off as I like to think it. We are now T - 29 days until the first day of school.

Next major step ... probably grocery shopping for the first time on my own. It can't be more than a week or two away at this point ...

Natural Blues

2010-07-30T19:47:00.004-04:00

I have moved.

It felt like everything that could have gone wrong did on moving day ... but in actuality ... it's all in my head. So my moving truck was late - and the apartment wasn't as awesome as I remembered it. It wasn't as clean as they promised ... and I feel like I can look out my living room window and watch a Jerry Springer episode ... but I am, officially, living on my own.

The first night here was rough. I was tired, emotional, unsure of what I wanted or felt. I slept on the floor in the living room, on top of a sleeping bag. I woke multiple times during the night (once with a spider in my mouth). As each day passed things got easier - boxes were moved, furniture placed. I slept on a blow-up mattress for a couple of nights, then on the futon my parents bought and built for me.

Today I put away a lot of things - sorted, organized, broke down boxes and made more space for myself.

Today I feel like I made a mistake.

I've heard stories of people who couldn't wait to move out of their parents house. Couldn't wait until the day they could afford to, or the time was right, or whatever their situation was/is. It's not that they don't love them, they were just ready to go. I'm wondering if I really was.

Let me back up a bit. I'm ready for the next step - at least, I think I am. I can't sit down and watch life pass me by, waiting for things to come to me. It doesn't work that way, it never will. I want to go to school, I want to make something of myself, I want people to be proud of me ... and I want to be proud of who I am. I can't hold their hands forever, or expect them to hold mine.

Honestly, I'm just having a hard time with goodbye. It's funny, I'm used to saying goodbye to S, knowing we'll go months without seeing each other. But because I'm used to it, I'm used to expecting that moment that it doesn't bother me as much.
I loved eating dinner with my parents, I loved talking to them when they came home from work. I loved bowling with my dad, getting advice from my mom, playing with my brother. I really liked the security of being in the same house as them.

I feel like I'm not sure how to function. This town is strange and big and I feel very alone here. Sure, everyone says it takes time ... that I'll be ok with it eventually and may even come to like living on my own. Right now though, it feels like everything is backwards and upside down.

I would say that I know, better than most, how important a phone call can be. How it can be the greatest thing, the ultimate comfort. On the flip side, I know better than most how sometimes that can't suffice.
I'm worried I didn't hug them enough.
I'm worried about their health.
I'm worried that I'll forget things - little quirks and ticks that I adore.

I know that Thanksgiving is just 3 months away. I know how quickly that times goes. I know that I will get used to being alone - one day.

Right now though, I feel very hollow.
I need a hug ... and there's no one here.

The Final Countdown

2010-07-23T12:46:00.006-04:00

This entry has been many moons in the making. Though there are things I had wanted to discuss before, those topics might be better left for another entry - or forgotten all together.

Tonight is my last night living in Maple, Ontario, Canada. When I was born my parents lived in a basement apartment on Railway street. From there, we moved when I was 7 to a house on Richmond Street. After being there for 5 years the landlord decided he was ready to tear down the building. We moved to a townhouse in Aurora but my mom hated it and was always looking for another place in Maple. When a house came up in their rent-price-range they jumped on it ... and we moved into a different house on Richmond Street - we're still here (11+ years later). I can walk to the house on Railway street - it's literally two minutes away. The other house on Richmond Street was torn down (I watched them demolish it from my neighbour's yard) and the lot still hasn't been built on.

I've lived not only in the same town for 23 years of my life, but in the same neighbourhood. The feeling of picking up and moving far away from it is very bittersweet. This house, where I'm sitting right now is the only one that has felt the most like a home. It was the first time I remember having my own bedroom (obviously, since I was only 14 months old when my sister was born I don't remember being an only child - and since she was born we shared a room until we moved here). It's the biggest bedroom in the house and it was mine. My first loves, my first foray into my own "music" style, my foray into finding my "personal style", all the jobs I worked ... everything happened here.

This isn't to say I don't want to move. Over the last few weeks I've used that phrase, or "I'm not ready to move" ... these statements are inaccurate. This is the right time for me to go back to school ... I know it because I can feel it - and that was the feeling I was waiting for. Sure, I'm nervous-scared-anxious -- I have every right to be, but I still want to do it.

I'm 24 and still living at home. Of course, I could rhyme off a bunch of excuses as to why I couldn't move out, the point was I never wanted to. Since my sister moved out the house has been more peaceful and I was happy to live here. When I got my first computer it was placed in the living room beside my Mom's - and we got a lot closer. When I quit the bingo hall my relationship with my dad changed - but we've gotten a lot closer since I started bowling. I really am a Daddy's girl. My brother is growing up into a great guy - he just can't figure out what he wants. I never paid rent here, never paid for the food, never really had a care and honestly, would you leave?

The first time I truly considered leaving was S's sudden move back to NH. He was everywhere and it hurt. There is still pieces of him here, even in my room ... and it's still tough. I feel like he should be here, helping me pack and moving with me. Fate said this was not to be now, but my heart aches a little bit for him (this is also how you know our relationship is getting better again).

Honestly, I'm anxious about moving far away from my parents. I always thought I'd be around to take care of them if something happens. I'm nervous about being on my own - will I like it? Will I embrace it? Only time will tell. I'm scared about making bad decisions, worried about not making it on my own. So I take two steps forward and one step back - but doesn't that still make me one step ahead? I'm trying to see that the glass is half full, that the grass is just as green on this side, that everything really is going to be alright.

Goodbye Maple. Sure, I'll be back - and you'll miss me.

Go Go Power Ranger

2010-06-28T14:57:00.004-04:00

Has it really been almost 3 weeks since I wrote? I've wanted to write, I've thought about it ... but hesitate. Oh, the hesitation! There are many reasons, of course ...

First, I was away on a second vacation, visiting friends in Nashville. I don't talk about "The League" here, but my family and S understand what that means when I reference it. Basically, after I signed up as a club member on Pogo.com I was playing a new game when the room suddenly had new players in it. They said they run a gaming league, in which the games were played on Pogo ... I didn't know how to play all the games they hosted it, but I decided to give it a try. I joined this league in June 2005 and made fast friends with a few members. I've hosted for the league and have gone through times of being absolutely in love with the idea of playing and helping and dedicating time and times where I'm utterly disenchanted and wanting nothing to do with it. Sometimes I go through these feelings in a matter of days. I was away from the league for a year or so, but just recently re-joined. This past week I traveled to Tennessee to meet the 2 founding members of the league - a husband and wife team. Though TN was hit with a huge flood in May, I really enjoyed my visit. I haven't asked if I can post their names here (so I won't), but I will mention one experience that truly touched me.

They are both members of AA, having been in the program for numerous years. I was extremely apprehensive about going to a "meeting", but I didn't want to interrupt their usual routines. On the Friday evening there was a "speaker meeting", where one member of the group spends time relating their story and experiences. That night was my friend's story, so I agreed to go as I didn't know his story. It was very humbling to hear his story and know his struggle and learn more about him. Again, I won't post his story since I have no right, but it was amazing to learn, as I had never really asked about or heard his story. On the Saturday evening there was a cookout/drag show/party which was a lot of fun! On Sunday (Father's Day) we spent the afternoon with his father (also an AA member) and went to a more "traditional" meeting. It was really an experience of wondering how well you really know someone and "walking in their shoes" ... it helps give me an appreciation to what other people go through, and what S might feel/has felt in what him and I experience on a day-to-day basis.

I've been knitting! I wish I had the pictures ready, but I don't. I wanted to keep all my projects as WIPs, but a random comment from M made me realize that once the love is gone, the project is sleeping. It was tough for me to admit it, but I updated my Ravelry page to reflect the sleeping projects. Suddenly, I didn't feel so overwhelmed by the random WIPs laying around my room. It was incredibly liberating and I felt like I could do anything.
Since my last post I've ....
--> Knitted a bag - sort of. It needs the ends weaved in, the sides sewn together, I-cord handles knit, then FELTED and possibly lined (for a swap)
--> M's cozy is done, just needs blocking!
--> 4 dishcloths for my friend's in TN has a housewarming/thanks for letting me visit present
--> 4 dishcloths as prizes for a league contest
--> A dishcloth for M (needs to be blocked out a bit) ... I'm not thrilled with it (the pattern doesn't show in the yarn used) ... but it was made with love
--> A hanging tea towel for my apartment
--> A "sack bag" (basically, a knitted bag that holds plastic bags)

I've started socks for myself, in a yarn that stripes in Pride colours (^_^). More impressively, there is a pattern ... they're not just plain stockinette socks. I used a new technique to cast them on (figure 8 cast on) and though it was a touch awkward, I was pleased with how it worked.

Mostly my thoughts are on "The Move", as it's now been termed in my mind. I have been feeling increasingly depressed since I got back from TN, and it was the realization that I can't put it off any more. I am stressed, I'm nervous, I'm anxious and for the first time I can remember I don't want to deal with these emotions - I don't want to address the issues. I'm shying away from help and talking about it because I can't figure out why I'm feeling this way.
Ok ... lies. I've lived with my folks my entire life. Aside from a period of about 18 months, I've lived in the same neighbourhood my entire life. I'm closer to my parents now than when I was a kid/teenager. I'm picking up and moving hours away, where I don't know a single person. I really like the idea of doing one thing a day that scares me, what I don't like is thinking about the 1 day I'll do everything that scares me.

It's times like this I wish I still had my therapist, because I feel like I could really benefit from his advice. I'm tempted to post something on Ravelry, but because this is such a serious topic for me I'm not sure I could handle not getting serious answers.

Sure, I know I'm not doing this alone. I know I have support systems - family, friends and 2 of the best friends anyone could ever ask for ... but at the same time, it's something I need to do.

And now I will go back to knitting I-cord to keep my sanity. Bet you never thought you'd read that, did you?

One Step Closer ...

2010-06-09T19:43:00.004-04:00

This past weekend I took my first trip to Windsor, Ontario with my parents ... to see the city that I will spend the next 4 years (at least!) of my life in. Of course, the weekend we go the city is hosting the annual Redbull Air Races, and the city was packed with streets blocked off. Goodie.

We drove down Sunday morning, with me dozing in the back of the van and complaining about the sunburn on my shoulders, arms, chest and back ... was my reward for using possibly-expired sunscreen and fishing for 5 hours the day before. Regardless, I digress ... we arrived and jumped right into our appointments (possibly because my folks veered off the 401 and we got lost ...O.o) ... we ended up seeing 6 apartments (5 which I had appointments for, one place my dad said "Hey! Let's stop and look at this one") ... there were apartments for rent EVERYWHERE.

The apartment I decided on (Yes, I made the decision ... Mom and Dad only gave their opinions) is $470, plus hydro. Unless I spend $100/month on hyrdo, this makes this apartment cheaper than the other 2 we liked. When you walk into the apartment you're in the living room ... to your left, a HUGE walk-in closet. There is a french door that separates the living room from the rest of the place. Leaving the living room, on your right is the teeny-tiny bathroom (you can wash your hands when you're sitting on the toilet) but cute none-the-less. Past the bathroom is the kitchen ... on the right, the tiny counter with sink, but there is a long bar counter with cupboards. Fridge and stove are here ... to your right, a tiny "nook" for a small table and two chairs (aka: my dining room). From there you enter the bedroom ... obviously smaller than the room I'm in now, but a decent size anyways! There is another walk-in closet here. Windows in every room and just a block or so from the University Campus. I absolutely adore it and hope that I feel just as good when I move in. The moving date is July 24th ...

... and my anxiety knows no end. I have a month to pack everything (since it might all have to be packed before I go with M to help her move to Sudbury) ... take off 1 week that I'm in Nashville, add the fact that I have 3 people to pack for (read: S's stuff, my stuff and figuring out where to put my sister's stuff) ... on top of THAT I will be living in a strange, new city - knowing not a single person - for a month before school starts.

I. Am. Terrified.

~ J

It made my day

2010-06-01T22:40:00.003-04:00

I didn't feel like posting this on Ravelry, but I did want to share.

S got his old (southern) driving route back at work (the one he was driving before the move here) and as he's driving he now notices LYS (obviously because I squee about their awesomeness). Today, as he was driving, he passed by Green Mountain Spinnery (in Vermont) ... and STOPPED TO GO INTO THE STORE.

Apparently they sheer, spin and dye their own fibers ... but the fact is, he saw a LYS he had never been to (which is many, since he's not known to frequent LYS) so he just stopped to have a look.

O.o

Sometimes, my boyfriend is made of win.

~ J

Bittersweet Symphony

2010-05-29T18:50:00.001-04:00

My thoughts today center primarily on my bowling tournament.

Today was the Provincials for the Booster tournament (the one I won at the end of March). 2 players from our region moved on, and at the tournament there were 28 players. Once I registered we got more information - I had the 3rd lowest average (132) and there were three prizes - 1st place got a trip for 2 to the Dominican and a duffel bag; 2nd place would win a kitchen scale and 3rd place was going to get a serving tray.

Last night Dad, Dave and I went for practice. Though I bowled all games over 160 (and 1 game over 200) I pulled my hamstring during our 2nd game. Though I iced it, soaked in a warm bath and had a tensor bandage on for the night, I was still in pain when I woke up (even having a bit of pain now). This morning was the internal struggle between "fighting superstition" and "letting logic rule" - Superstition, in the thought that the slightest change to my clothing/balls/shoes/hair/etc will alter my bowling drastically. In the end, I let logic lead - if it was meant to be, I can make it happen. I didn't wear the same knee-high socks that I wore the day I won the tournament. I didn't practice in dress pants, so the first time I would bowl in them would have been today. I wore my favourite necklace, but only because I like it so much.

Thankfully the first team I was bowling with (aside from one person) were very fun and outgoing. Though my practice sucked I was able to find my spot towards the end of the first game - 3 strikes in the 10th and I boosted my score to 200 for game #1. I didn't look at the standings before moving to my second game ... but I had a funny feeling I was bowling on the same lane as the person in first (she was +75 after her first game). My second game didn't go so good: we were bowling against the wall (which was on the left side of the lane) ... except the wall was a curtain, and every time I throw the ball I stick out my left arm ... and my fingertips would brush the curtain. It threw me off a bit, and I bowled a 166 my second game. Again, I didn't check the standings, but at +102 after two games I was sure I was in the top three. For the third game I didn't think, didn't worry and just bowled ... once again, we bowled against the same people from game 1 and I felt at ease. I found my spot big time, and aside from two frames where I punched the head pin, I marked in the 8 other frames, and finished that game with 245 (which was, on it's own, +113 over my average) ... this put me at +215 for the tournament, and pretty much assured a top three finish. Though I was super nervous and excited, the girl who was ahead of me after the first two games bowled a wonderful third game and finished +25 of my final total - she won the trip, I got the scale.

It's very bittersweet, and I'm happy and extremely disappointed at the same time. I bowled the best that I could, and I bowled AMAZING and I know this. I keep thinking about my 2nd game, and if I had tried harder ... maybe I could have got it. I think it's also a bit of a let down to have the second prize as just as kitchen scale ... I just don't see the logic from TRIP to SCALE.

The world is full of "could-haves" and "maybes" ... and though I did the best I could have done with each throw of the ball ... tonight I will take a moment to think of what could have been.

~ J

In The Navy

2010-05-24T11:14:00.005-04:00

This might be a touch long, so grab whatever it is you like to drink and have a seat.

I have returned from the land time forgot, which we lovingly refer to as Vermont. Of course, there was much driving into New Hampshire, since we stayed pretty much on the border of the two states like last time.

I trained on the 14th from Toronto to Montreal ... 5 hour ride, starting at 7 am. S told me I would enjoy the "soothing swaying" of the train, but it turns out that this is the first transport vehicle in which I get motion sick. I couldn't read anything, and my knitting was packed away in my stored duffel. I gave myself 3 hours between train and bus to walk from the Train Station to the Bus Station ... and though it only took 30 minutes, it seemed like a lifetime with the weight of my bag on my shoulder. Before I was allowed on the bus my carry-on bag was searched, I had to empty my pockets and was waved over with a metal detector wand. Oh, good times. I did ask the security guard - no knitting needles on the bus (even my blunt wooden ones) ... I read whenever I could ... no problems at the border, but with a bus of 30+ people, we were delayed a bit and I arrived at White River Junction about 10 pm.

He had a rose waiting for me in our room (so sweet!) ... it was just how I remembered it - two beds, tiny bathroom, sink OUTSIDE the room ... American TV that shows no hockey. Nothing super-exciting happened the first weekend - hanging out, driving around and just enjoying the good weather.
On Monday (05/17) I finally got to meet two of his friends, Jenny & Jesse - Jenny, who I have been chatting with for a couple of years ... and they are just the coolest! We went out for a nice dinner, then off for a bit of bowling so I could "practice" for my up-coming tournament. Except the balls for candlepin are about 1 1/2 inches smaller and probably 2 lbs lighter than my balls for 5 pins. S and I whipped them down the lane like baseballs LOL. I did practice my stance and was able to hit the middle almost every time ... at least it's a start.

Monday and Tuesday I went with S while he worked ... drove around in the huge pickup he drives, but it was really nice. I got to see a lot of Norther NH/VT that I hadn't seen before (including Mount Washington!) but the constant change in elevation played havoc with my ears.

All the interesting and picture-heavy stuff starts on Wednesday. This was our day for YARN SHOPPING. We had 5 shops we wanted to go to (1 ended up being closed) and I was *hoping* to buy something from every shop. It was too warm for him to wear one of his scarves, but I was able to wear my shawl (yay!) though it rained all day (sad!).

The first store was Wo ol Away! in St. Johnsbury, VT. The seemed a bit rough until they noticed I was wearing a handknit shawl. This was the only place I found a patterned that I liked. They did have local fiber, but 100% undyed wool (blah!) ... I was craving soft and pretty. There was another shop in St. J's we had hoped to visit, but they were closed so we left for the next one: Yarn Garden in Littleton, NH. This was the one he was most excited to show me, as this is where he got my Valentine's Day Yarn. The shop was HUGE and AWESOME. Again, they had local 100% Wool ... but then I found hand dyed sock yarn from Maine and I went MINE! I found a cute bag, AKA project bag ... and sock yarn for M and me. The next shop was Northern Nights Yarn Shop in Norwich, VT (they have no website ;__;) which was cute except the lady there followed us around the whole time (though she heaped compliments on about my shawl). However, though I wasn't expecting to find much here ... I. Found. Guinevere. I had considered using Dream In Color to make it, and was thinking about green ... but when I saw this skein I couldn't resist. 100 % Alpaca. It's perfect for the pattern ... the yarnage in the skein is enough to do the whole pattern and a bit. The pink skein is something S liked, and it was on sale. The pattern on the label is easy, so I'll give it a shot! Our last stop of the day was to White River Yarns, right in WRJ. Again, a bit gruff until she noticed the knitted shawl, but I was a bit high on the amount of yarn already bought for me I didn't notice. She had a lot of acrylic (and I mean A LOT) but I did find some nice sock yarn - one skein for actually socks, the two skeins for a wrap. Indeed, much yarn was bought and it was wonderful!

On Thursday we rented a car and drove to Salem, Mass. I've always wanted to go, not just for the history associated with the town ... but for the draw I've had recently to Wiccan and/or witches, and my struggle to figure out what to do with it. We parked the car in a garage, and the historical part of town was completely walkabout. Many important things happened here:
1) We went to a Salem Witch Trial museum, which tells the story of the evolution of Witches and what exactly happened in Salem in 1692. The history is a bit off ... and it frustrated me. I mean ... yes, it's not nice to be known ONLY for this blemish in history ... and YES, you attract more flies with honey then vinegar, so I expected it to be played up a bit ... but perhaps it just irked me the wrong way.
2) My purpose in Salem was to see what I could learn about witches and wiccan. Sure, I wanted to get a tarot reading ... but it was all for fun. We found some shops that had SERIOUS witches running them, and some that played up the fun of it all while having serious stuff too. I had two done - the first one was an aura reading ... which said my "aura" was green/yellow with a hint of violet - basically meaning that I'm bubbly, outgoing, in a transitioning period. It was a picture report ... so she literally took a picture of my aura. Apparently every time I looked at S my entire aura lit up a bright yellow ... cool.

The second one was later in the day, an actual tarot reading. I asked three questions - what she saw about my relationship with S, if my choice of study was a good idea and if she could tell me if Wiccan was a good idea for me. Now, BEFORE I tell you what she said ... I will admit that ANYTHING she said had no sway on me what-so-ever ... I'm happy with my relationship, I'm sticking with my choice of study and I'm still going to research Wiccan. Her reading is a combo Tarot/Numerology, so she looked at my numbers and confirmed the reading I had done in April - this is my beginning year. She looked at S's numbers and said that we are meant to be together right now ... she just doesn't see us always together. When she flipped over the cards she confirmed that - she sees someone else for me down the road. Actually, as soon as she flipped over the first few cards she asked me if I was planning another trip, to which I answered yes, and then asked if it was to somewhere warm - to which I answered yes (Nashville, TN) and then she said it looked like fun. HOWEVER, in the realm of syking myself out ... I realized the next day that the grand prize for my tournament is a trip to the Dominican. I am forcing myself not to think about it at all LOL. As far as studying Criminology, she said it looked good as a study, but worried that I was too sensitive to be an actual officer (I didn't tell her I was sensitive, and it is my fear) ... she asked me if I enjoy writing, and suggested that writing True Crime novels would be a better fit ... of course, I had considered writing true crime novels even if I never got to University.
Let's just say the whole experience was creepy and cool, but grain-of-salt, grain-of-salt ... it's all just for fun. I bought a pack of tarot cards anyways.
3) After lunch we were walking towards the harbour. My sense of direction had been completely skewed since I left Canada, but as we stood there looking at the boats he told me I was looking at the Atlantic Ocean. Now, I've seen it in movies and pictures ... I've flown over the Atlantic, and I've driven past it in Florida ... but I've never touched it ... and it's always been a dream of mine. A favourite line in a song has always been "I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean" ... for some reason I was nervous. It was just as cold as I imagined, and just as humbling. Yes, I cried. I really do want to feel small beside the ocean, I still want to be an awe of nature and all it's wonder ... I guess, that really is my draw to NH and all it's trees.

Though, in an amusing twist of fate ... I forgot to look to see if there was a yarn store in Salem ... but we found one. Seed Stitch ... and it was just PRETTY. I found these skeins, and bought enough for the scarf pattern I won at Kitchener in September ... I will leave the undyed skein for another time.

Friday and Saturday were relaxing days for us ... bowling 10 pin on both days (I'm not bad at it either!) ... I got new shoes (size 9 instead of the 9.5s I thought my shoe size was) and we just enjoyed ourselves.

Our goodbye was as hard as imagined, but easier in some respects. I remember that I used to say it was too hard to do and that I can't do it any more ... but really, if it was we wouldn't be doing this any more. Sure, the goodbye is not easy ... and I don't want to wait 6 months to see him again ... but this is the nature of the beast ... and if I want to be with him, it's what we have to deal with. Besides, on the upside ... the "welcome" when we first see each other is always exciting. We got to the station 30 minutes early and so did the bus. I made him leave a few minutes after that, basically because I didn't want to spend 30 minutes crying. The faster he goes, the faster it stops. Sure, it sucks to come home and call him and think "I held you this morning and now I can't" ... but like I said ... nature of the beast. Once he left I was able to stop crying ... it doesn't make the sadness go away, but we're pros at handling it.

I guess my more "upbeat" approach seems weird. The fact is ... we need to be apart right now. It's not awesome, and I wish we lived closer ... but we lived together for a year, I lost myself in him and now it's time for me and what I want. That might only happen if we're apart ... I think we just aren't ready to live together ... that's fine, it will take time.

The trip home was long but really uneventful ... the train was late, but my folks waited patiently to pick me up and I thank them every so much for getting me and not making me take the TTC after a day of travel.

Things I will miss from my time in NH/VT:
1) Flushing toilets and bathroom sinks that work when you turn on the taps
2) Friendly's Ice Cream
3) Baseball-sized bowling balls
4) Small towns
5) Pretty trees/mountains
6) And, of course, my S ... let's not wait another 6 months, ok?

~ J

When I get older, I will be stronger

2010-05-06T16:53:00.006-04:00

I know I shouldn't write when I'm upset ... but in the interest of sanity, of not crying and of writing this out while I still want to and not lose my nerve ... here we go.

In the University stream, decisions have been made. I received an offer from University of Ottawa on April 30th, bring my total offers from Universities to 3 (read: I applied to 3, got accepted to 3 ... a little giddy!) Now, I had a gut feeling the day I got the offer from Windsor that I should accept it, but I talked myself into waiting until I heard back from U of Ottawa - they (also) did not offer me acceptance to the program I wanted but a different one, just has Carleton had. I hummed and hawwed over it, but really I knew as *soon* as I saw what Ottawa was offering that I was taking Windsor.
Now, of course, there are people who think ANY choice is better than Windsor. Some have said to my face, others in whispers. It takes a lot of personal soul-seeking and strength to not care though ... and though I have bad days, I have yet to regret my decision. I am following my gut and my heart on this ... I could be great, I could fail ... at the end, either way ... I want to say that it was my decisions, my mistakes and my triumphs.

The amount of planning that needs to go into starting University was not something I was prepared for, and I'm feeling a touch overwhelmed. I'm working through it as best as I can, but I'm just worried that I'll forget something and it will be VERY important and I will be in BIG trouble without it.

As far as knitting (if we can inject something slightly happy into this post while we still can), I finished my "mini mochi shawlette" ... that is to say, finished it (the shawlette), but it was with a different yarn. I am proud that I finished it, that I did almost all of the knitting (even if I needed a bit of help) and that it didn't get destroyed when I blocked it. I'm excited to wear it to The Frolic on Saturday (I still need to write my list ........)

Next, fights with S. There was one last night, and there will be one tonight ... I actually don't get any pleasure from fighting with him ... despite what others think. But I do think that issues need to be addressed right away, and if I have an issue with something I need to call him out on it. Last night's fight came about when I told him about the doctor from my clinic visit ... I mentioned that he was, indeed, attractive and the green-eyed monster came out. I rolled my eyes, I know he has a jealous streak worse than me (for whatever reasons I can't figure out) ... but when I joked about something he freaked and thought I was serious. Wait ... what? He thought I was serious ... that I would do that? So yeah, I called him out on this trust thing. His jealously stems from the fact that he doesn't trust me (which is what I gathered from what he said) ... we yelled it out for a bit, talked about other things and agreed to talk more tonight. That is not going to happen based on the new problem ...

On the 23rd my dad called and ordered my bus tickets for my trip to NH. He called because (1) their website would not work for mine, Dad's or S's credit card and (2) when I had called earlier in the day the woman told me she "couldn't sell me that ticket over the phone" ... of course, Dad called and had no problem. They said I should have my ticket by the following Friday. Their website says they needs 10 business days ... so I waited until today, to give them the benefit of the doubt. No tickets, so phone call was made. They said:
(a) My tickets were sent via regular mail, so there is no tracking on them
(b) My tickets are lost somewhere in the Great White North
(c) They will not send me replacement tickets (since they are sure they won't arrive in time for my trip)
(d) They will (not have but will) arrange for me to pick up my tickets at the bus station but I have to call them at 5 pm on May 12 (read: just 36 hours until I leave on my trip) to have it arranged.
(e) I will have to travel to get my tickets since I'm training from Toronto to Montreal, and am supposed to be busing from Montreal to WRJ.
Nice, eh?
AND ... just to make my paranoia even better ... S wouldn't be able to come get me if something goes wrong because he wouldn't be allowed in Canada because he's lazy! The *ONLY* thing he needs to be able to cross the border is get a bill in his name mailed to his house. He needs to put insurance on his car, so this would seem like a cheap, simple, required bill to have mailed to his house - he hasn't done this yet. So not only is there no insurance on the car, but he can't come into Canada. HOW NICE. *fumes*

Currently, I'm frustrated ... things always go wrong ... and it's not because I think they will ... in fact, I was pretty happy with our planning until I found out about the brake line problem with his car. Then this bus stuff happens and I'm teetering on panic and not-fun-ness.
Actually, I'm stressed, even about writing out a list of yarn for the Frolic. I want to try new things, but I feel like no one has faith in me (including myself) ... I've been knitting for 6 months ... and though that doesn't make me Pro by any means, it means I'm more than just a beginner. I'm doubting myself, I'm letting myself feel doubted by others (see how therapy helped there? Before I would have said "You made me feel this way" but now I know to say "Things you've said made me feel this way about myself" ... it's truly a learning curve, I promise) ... so right now, I have no confidence in the skills I do have. I have no idea what I want to make, but I *KNOW* I need to go to this thing with a list of patterns, materials and search them out. Yes, I am leaving room for "fun yarn", but I want to buy the things to make a garment and possibly a shawl.

OK ... so game plan for now. I will remove myself from whatever is upsetting me. I will talk to S and let him know why his thoughtlessness and procrastination has hurt me (as politely as possible) ... I will break from forcing myself to write this list and look a bit later. I will not take criticism as a judgment against me, but just friendly advise from someone who loves and cares for me ...

Well ... at least I'll try.

The most epic of choices

2010-04-29T11:34:00.003-04:00

I didn't expect to have to update about University so soon, but new developments have left me no other choice than to document the recent changes and reflect upon my thoughts, feelings and worries (come on, this is ME.)

When I got the acceptance from Carleton, I received an email to let me know. By CHANCE I went to look at the OUAC website and noticed that I had an offer from University of Windsor. Now, you would think I would be flattered by the offer and just decline ... but oh no, dear reader, there is a TWIST.

You see, I purposely did not mention something in my last post ... something I had discovered about my offer from Carleton. I didn't really expect other offers, so I just assumed that this is what I going to do. You see, I found (online) a pdf file that had the letter being sent to me by Carleton, explaining to me that they could not offer me the program I applied for and were thus offering me a different program. Windsor, however, is offering me the program I applied for.

So now the epic choosing must be done. Do I go to the University that gives me the program I wanted, or to the University I wanted but not the program? I posted the scenario on Ravelry and got a lot of great advice. Of course, M was helpful with ideas - I've called Carleton and confirmed that what I read in the letter was correct. I "could" transfer to Criminology in my second year IF my GPA is high enough, but even then she admitted there was no guarantee. To complicate matters, you only really have 3 weeks to accept an offer, once you decline an offer you can't get it back and I have yet to hear from University of Ottawa (to which, if they offer me the program I want then I would pick them I think).

As I mull things over I come to realize two things:
1) My gut is telling me to check out each city/campus
2) My gut is telling me to accept Windsor's offer.

Now, in the last 5-6-ish months, my gut feeling on things have not been wrong. I am definitely going to school in the fall, I am bowling better, I am (getting) happier in my relationship and I'm finally standing up to people. However, all good things must come to an end. Even though I can ask for advice all I want, I'm going to have to make a choice - the best choice for me - and I have to make it QUICK.
Ottawa has many pluses - Closer to S, Closer to M, closer to home, healthy people, great transit (so I've heard), the center hub of politics (so I'm interested in them, sue me!) ... and lots of yarn LOL
Windsor, though being a largely automotive town which was hit hard by the recession would be less populated, warmer (considering), further from M and Home, but with the possibility of S moving to Michigan (again, to be seriously discussed tonight). Windsor may have less jobs, and is somewhere I've never been.

The decision is tough. Once again, I'm faced with a choice that affects my entire life. This is SCARY.
~ J

Shaking in my booties

2010-04-27T10:00:00.004-04:00

When I got a University update, I'd promised to post here first.

The following occured in the last 15 minutes. Literally.

Feeling exhausted lately, I finally slept past my normal "wake-up" time (aka: 8 am). I was woken up by an email, so I rolled over to check the crackberry (still slightly sleepy). Of course, I was automatically awake when I saw that the email subject was "Carleton Admission Decision Notification".

Now, for those readers that aren't familiar with Canadian Universities, Carleton University is located in Ottawa, Ontario and is my FIRST CHOICE for all that I applied to. I (stupidly) opened the email in bed and was greeted with the following opening lines:

Dear Miss M:

Congratulations on your admission to Carleton University!

This is where I stopped reading and turned on the computer. I am a skeptic ... it is, just the way I've always been. I wanted to get into my email account and really read the email. Of course, I am shaking as the computer loads and I get dressed. I decided that I would read the email, confirm the address it was sent from and check the OUAC website before I freaked out.
According to the email I have been admitted to Carleton University, and the email does say admissions, but it also mentioned that if I applied to OUAC it might not show up just yet.

I checked anyways.

There it was. My number 1 choice for University. Offer of admission.

Oh. My. Gosh.
~ J

Vicariously

2010-04-25T18:38:00.002-04:00

Not much has happen, really, since the last entry ... and yet, it all seems like it has.

We have finished the Bowling Playoffs on the league ... it's 2 weeks, play every team once (7 teams) and the team with the highest points wins the whole she-bang. The playoffs are when Dad and I get a bit serious. Our teams has been bowling together for 3 years, and the last 2 years we've come in 3rd. We're pretty happy with 3rd, since we goof-off during the year and don't actually win much of anything to be honest. It seems my tournament win has put a fire in my belly, and not counting the first week of April when I was in mucho pain, I've been doing decently (almost consistently bowling over my average - way over). My throw has seemingly improved, to a bit straighter, a bit faster and I'm hoping I can keep it going. ANYWAYS, the moral of the story is that we pushed (me leading the way) and managed to come in 1st for the playoffs. w00t!

I've ordered my bus tickets to go see S in NH. Wednesday I put in for my passport and grab my train tickets. Less than 3 weeks to go and I'm nervous - so much has happened since the last time I saw him ... have things changed between us and we just don't know it yet? I'm eager to fix things, but also wanting to take it slow. I want to use this week to "date" so to speak ... do the "date things" we never did before. Sound weird, I know ... but I think I need it.

I haven't been knitting much, but there is so much to do. I have to finish my Mini Mochi Shawlette, as the Frolic is less than 2 weeks away. I'm not sure if I should just ask M to help, or use the power of Ravelry. I have to figure out what project I want to take to NH and if I have to buy yarn. I also have to write out a list of things to look for at the Frolic - budgeting roughly $100-$150 for this (coming out of my bowling winnings, and after my bills are paid!)

Other than that, I have a few depressing thoughts and I don't want to talk about them and I'll reflect on them in my own good time.

Later Days!
~ J

All the toys and the tools in the box couldn't get you off

2010-04-11T13:10:00.004-04:00

First, and this is truly not to brag, but for informative posting and remembering (ok, and a little OMG DID YOU **SEE** WHAT I BOWLED ON MY SECOND GAME?-ness) ... the top 10 finishers from The Booster Tournament on March 28th, 2010.

You know what? I'm completely entitled to brag. I may have not been bowling since I was 2 (like others on my league) ... but I've put in 5 years, improved a TON and should be proud and impressed and not let what others say take it away from me (clearly, some people from my league don't think I deserved to win, or so I've heard). So, if you click the picture for a bigger look ... the first number is the player's BOOK AVERAGE (their average from the last 5 years of bowling, or for however long they've been bowling if less than 5). It was pins over average ... so next is the final score of the three games, followed by how many pins in total they were over.

Second, the super-secret project. I bought the yarn with the gift in mind almost 3 years ago! Yes, I know. Up until this year I didn't think I had the skill/knowledge to make it. Also, DPNs scared me until just a couple of months ago. I had hoped to make this for her for Christmas, but decided her birthday was a better fit ... besides, Christmas is for the all-out-expensive gift. ANYWAYS ... I didn't start this until a week before I saw her (I know BAD ME), but I figured I could push myself to finish if I had to (and, after this past week ... thank gosh I didn't need to!) ... I knit it two days! Loved, loved, loved the pattern, how it turned out, etc. GlamCake for the win! I mean, do you need to ask ... this was of course for M. I'm glad she liked it!

This past week has been terrible. I've been in much pain - namely, my back. I haven't been able to sleep ... I wake up 'cause I'm too hot ... a few hours later I'm too cold. Tuesday night I woke up completely covered in sweat. I wasn't able to see my family doctor, or get to their walk-in office before it closed, so I went to a walk-in down the street from my house. They. Are. Fail. I will do this last test they want me to do, then get a photocopy of everything to take to my family doctor and have him look at me. Ugh, this has just been a nightmare. On the plus side, I'm mostly doing better ... the fevers seem to have stopped. I'm still constantly thirsty, so I have a drink near me at all times. My back still hurts, but it's mostly down to the dull/throbbing ache I'm used to from bowling, so no big deal. The only thing that is a bit concerning is my lack of appetite. Now, here's where I'm a bit weird - I started working at a young age (my first part time job at 14) ... by the age of 16 I was up to full time - and I still did high school. I got used to not eating breakfast or lunch and yes, I know this is bad ... but if I skip these meals it does not bother me because I am just so used to it. However ... dinner is my meal, and I tend to make up for all I don't eat in this meal. Again, I know this is BAD. Changing this habit is extremely difficult, and I do the best I can ... but I get by. However, this past week I've had to force myself to eat dinner. Other times, I just have no desire to eat ... yesterday M & I went out to celebrate her birthday, and I ordered my absolutely favourite thing from the menu ... couldn't finish it - MY MOST FAVOURITE THING - couldn't do it. While I should be excited that this will make me lose weight, this is just something that concerns me that I want to speak to my doctor about.

In other (sad) news, M heard back from the universities in Ottawa, and it's a no-go for her. Thankfully, she got an early acceptance from somewhere else, so off to North Bay she's moving this summer ... and though I won't be moving to North Bay (there is just nothing for me there - except her, of course) I am sad and worried and nervous. I have not heard anything back, but my applications went in later than hers, so this does not surprise me. However, I had never considered what I would do if I got into an Ottawa school and she didn't ... now I have to face that. I am ... terrified, really ... it's the most appropriate word. However, this is the best - logical - right decision/step for me. I want this, I need this and I think I will be great at this. I just need to take the chance when it comes.

In interesting news ... brother and I went to the town's annual pancake festival today. It's been on the steady climb downhill in recent years, but I still go ... besides, I know S is going to be craving some Ontario Maple Syrup soon (because, you know, New England Maple Syrup has NOTHING on ours :P :P :P) ... so we went, and ate the food (yucky) ... looked at the few things they had there, talked to local folk. I bought 5 raffle tickets from the group that trains guide dogs for people. They also had a numerology lady doing readings so I got one done. Gave her my birthday, S's birthday and asked her if this year was good for me to try to get into my career/field and if we're a good match. She told me this is my "new beginning" year and the best year to make any move. She said the numbers say I'm very intuitive, very creative and very sensitive (and I am all of those things) ... I'm also very emotional, and empathize with people ... and I need to learn how to make that an asset when/if I join the force. She talked a bit about S ... how he's old fashioned, and thinks love saves everything. He's not (as) sensitive as me, and can be very insecure. She thought he had an opportunity to do something for himself, but it passed ... and he should wait another year before he tries again. She gave me a book to look for, and says perhaps I should be on the hunt for Angel cards or something along those lines, as I might be able to use them for great insight. Of course, the trick with those is they pick you and not the other way around ... so it make take a long time to find them. She asked if I was going on a trip anywhere, and I said "Yes, in May" she said "I'm willing to bet you're going to see him, aren't you? May is the relationship month". Creepy! At the end of the session, I asked her if the numbers said if S and I were a good match, if we would make it together for the long haul. She looked at them for a moment, then turned to me and said I already knew the answer, and I was right about how I felt.

I must now look into numerology more, nurse my upset stomach and maybe try to find the energy to knit my next project.

Fear of Knitting

2010-04-02T21:12:00.004-04:00

"Do one thing every day that scares you"
- Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen) - Baz Luhrmann

Though, of course, many people have said this over the course of history ... today I think of this song, and I do what it says.

I've stalled working on my shawlette. Why? Because after I finish the next 4 rows, I'll have to do something that scares me. I know, I know, irony. I think it's perhaps I don't *fully* understand the next step of the pattern, and it scares me to have gotten so far done, and to try and be wrong. Hopefully I will figure it out soon. Thankfully, it doesn't need to be finished until the Frolic in May, so I have time to put it down and re-focus.

What this led to was thinking about the super-secret project. I had meant to start it over a month ago, but life got busy and I just didn't really find the time to start it. Today, I thought about it ... and thought about it ... and then I heard the song. I looked at the pattern again ... sure, it scares me a bit to think about ... but the fact is, I'm not really a beginner knitter anymore, am I? I guess I've upgraded to Novice, at best. Perhaps an in-between stage of the two. I have the required skills and knowledge to make a sweater if I wanted to ... it just scares me to think about.

So today I looked over the pattern for the super-secret project. Today I had a question about how to start it (as I wasn't too sure) ... so I did two things that TERRIFY me at the same time (1) Admitted I didn't understand something and (2) contacted the designer to clarify. I got the answer and away I went.

Now, the pattern does require that the project is knitted on DPNs. This does not scare me, but worries me. These DPNs are MUCH bigger than my sock ones, so it concerns me a touch. I tried, and failed to cast on many many times ... but I just put it down, tried again later and finally FINALLY I got it right.

I'm sure that the person this is for knows it's for them. I also think the person that this is for might be able to guess what this is, even if there isn't much there (and I've knitted much past this point). However, I LOVE how the yarn is working together! And if I love knitting this as much as I think I will ... everyone is getting one for Christmas (if I can afford it LOL).

Happy Knitting!
~ J

Owning my disagree

2010-03-28T14:23:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I had a bad day. Not really anything bad happening ... it just, turned into a bad day. I wanted to write an entry here to get it out of my head - but I chose to talk to S instead, err, yell it out of me towards him and eventually, I stopped crying long enough to calm down and sleep.

What I wanted to talk about yesterday was the overwhelming feeling I have that I'm doing something wrong. That nothing I do is good enough, or worthy enough. Today, on the way home from my bowling tournament I realized that I'm all too ready to take the blame when things go wrong, but I find a way to excuse the good things.

The reason I say this is because of my bowling tournament, which I will now document in detail because I want to remember this feeling for as long as possible. If I'm ever having a bad day, I will come back and read THIS.

The Bowling Tournament: Booster Tourney.

The tournament started at 10 am and was a pins over average tournament. Your average is a 5 year book average - so although my average on Friday nights is (currently) 154 (which is in the top 6 for women), my book average for the last 5 years is only 132.
Anyways, they announce that only one player would advance to the provincial tournament. Yeah yeah yeah, blah blah blah. Let's just bowl!

My first game - let's say I've had better. I bowled a 136 - just barely putting me over my average. I'm always a bit disappointed when I just barely get over it - my average is so much higher on Fridays! However, I digress - it's about this tournament, this average. I was "plus", and so was my Dad - barely. His average for the tournament is 153, and he bowled a 160. We were both hovering the in the 20s as far as standings. We moved in different directions, but were still bowling on lanes that were side by side.

I was the first bowler on our lane of bowlers - which is very nerve-wracking for me. EVERYONE watches the first bowler (or, at least, it feels that way). I also paid into a game that some can play while bowling - the 450. For those that don't know, in 5 pin bowling a perfect score is 12 strikes - 450. The goal of the game is to get a strike in each frame, using your three tournament games to do it. I only had one strike from my first game (in the 6th).
My second game started with a bang - a strike. My second ball - another strike. This gets me nervous, on a double. I always think I'll miss the third ball and my turkey. Today, I didn't miss. Not only did I get the third strike for the turkey, but followed that with another strike. 4 strikes in a row put my game total (thus far) at 135 - that's 3 over my average ... in the 4th frame. We have a saying for tourneys, when you're over your average - it's all gravy now. Meaning, you're over, don't worry if you miss. The thing is, you want to keep doing good ... keep trying to get better.

I ended up missing the strike in the 5th. I striked in the 6th, but missed the 7th, 8th and 9th. Every time I went up to bowl though, I had to keep saying "gravy gravy gravy" ... to remind myself that if I miss it's ok. The thing was, I was having an amazing game and wanted to get the highest score I could. In the last frame I got a strike and a spare - finishing with a 263 - that's 131 over my average, and +135 in the tournament.

I wanted so badly to look at the standings after the 2nd game. I wanted to see just how good I was doing. Everyone was right though - I would have siked myself out and I might have done worse in my 3rd game. My friend checked the standings and only told me that "I was good". I was *sure* that I was in the top 5, but I had no idea just how high up.
I wanted to look at the standings after my 9th frame, when I was over my average. I didn't, and it's probably for the best. I finished my 3rd game with a 161 - 29 over my average and now +164 in the tournament.

This is when I got a look at the standings. After the 2nd game I was 2nd in the standings. The girl above me - ahead by only 5 pins. The guy below me - someone else who bowls on my league was only 3 behind me, but he was having a bad game. He finished his third under his average. Against my better judgment, I went looking for the girl who was above me ... her average was 215 and she was way under in her third game, with only 2 frames to go. I stopped watching her, out of nerves.

The waiting was the hardest part. I had to keep reminding myself that someone else could have a fantastic game like I did and come from behind to take it. Someone from the league told me that a player on their lanes had bowled a 309. I kept reminding myself that if I didn't win, that I bowled fantastic, that I should be proud of what I did and only momentarily sad if I didn't win.
Finally the last bowler finished, and everyone waited on baited breath for the results. I had my friend from my team on my left, Dad on my right as we waited for the results.

As he went through the drawings and none of us won anything (I finished my "450 game" with 8 strikes, but the winners had 10 each). The print off he had in his hands was wrong, and they had to print off another sheet to tell him who won. He announced that he needed to see the bowlers who finished first and second (and we later found out it was because he wasn't sure if they were sending only one or two bowlers).
He then announced that the winner of the tournament, with a plus of 164 pins ... was me.

*insert uber-shocked face*

The next round is May 29th, and it's an afternoon tournament. It's in downtown Toronto, and we can spend the night in a fancy hotel for half-price the night before if we want. The night before there is a meet-the-other-people-and-execs thing, which I'm interested in going to. Also, the tournament from last week (Triple's Tournament, my team didn't win) the winners are bowling in the morning shift on the same day, and one of the teams from my league qualified (including a good friend of mine) ... I would love to go to cheer her on, but also to see how the lanes look and how things work.

At first I kept saying my second game was a fluke. You know what ... it's not. Sure, I didn't bowl in the YCB, but I've been bowling 5 pin for 5 years now. My average has gone from 100 to 154. I have improved and I should be PROUD. My 2nd game - or any game I bowled today - was not a fluke. I found my "spot", and I bowled the hell out of it. I deserve this, just like any other bowler does.

So ... SURPRISE. I'm going onto the Provincials. As soon as I can find a screen shot of the standings, I might post that ... not to beef up my ego, but as a record of my win.
This goes to show you that you should play every tournament you can ... you just never know!

~ J

You know ... if I could think of a good title ............

2010-03-26T11:27:00.003-04:00

I have this unexplainable urge that I should be writing something, but I have no idea what!

In the last week I've spent most of my knitting time on the ~~Shawlette of Doom~~ errrrr ... Mini Mochi Shawlette. I did, indeed, frog what I had before. M suggested putting in a lifeline and only frogging back to that point ... but when I thought of the work involved, it just seemed better to start from scratch. So I did ... and it's going MUCH better. I would take a picture to show you just how much it's progressed ... but it enjoys twisting on itself on the needles. I will say, though, according to the pattern I only have another 30 rows - 15 of those which have increases (every other row increases).

...

*eye twitch*

However, the goal is to have this thing done in time to wear it to The Knitters Frolic in May. A month and a bit? Yes yes! ALSO - I should start thinking about "vacation in NH" knitting ... IDEAS! And GO! ^_^ ... mmm ... this reminds me I need to start writing a list of things to BUY at the Frolic.

SO MUCH KNITTING, SO LITTLE TIME.

Peace out!
~ J

Vacation Knitting and what not to do!

2010-03-19T12:30:00.006-04:00

I am back from my vacation, and having not really anything to write about for a bit ... so here's a bucket load of stuff!

In a follow-up to some stuff I wrote in my last entry, I'm feeling a touch better - though still struggling with some issues mentioned in the previous post. I don't feel an overwhelming desire to bare my soul any more, which is good I guess ... ? I am still searching for solace, I'm still hesitant to ask for it, and I still feel that it'll come whenever it does.

Last week I can't remember doing anything of great importance. Except, perhaps, that I got talked into buying a dress. Except, I have to find the dress in the right colour before it can be bought. The search is on.

This week I went on vacation, taking a 4-day escape from Toronto with M, to a beautiful bed & breakfast called Little Lake Inn, located in Midland, ON. The house was beautiful, the room charming, the breakfast healthy and delicious. I loved relaxing in our room as much as I loved hanging out in the lounge. I could really live in a town like Midland ... small and cozy.
We walked around town, visited the surrounding areas a bit and just explored, really. I had a great time, and I can't wait to go back to this B&B.

As far as crafting, I did bring my sock (Sock Attempt # 2) and the yarn for the shawlette I wanted to start - Mini Mochi Shawlette, made with some super-rainbow sock yarn. I struggled a bit to get the hang of the increases, but I got it down and was rocking along ... when I realized I made two mistakes. One, I could let go of ... but two ... I'm not so sure. The first mistake I let slide when I noticed it ... I had done an extra yarn over. The second one had me stop in my tracks - the pattern calls for a 6 row-repeat, starting with the garter-stitch row. I, for whatever reason, didn't do that. So I could *technically* redesign it to make the garter-stitch row work ... but it would bug me ... like it does right now. *twitchy eye* I have a funny feeling I'll be frogging this when I get home from bowling and starting again. I don't mind ... it's just a good lesson in paying attention!

Right now I'm looking forward to bowling tonight (though, I'm sore all over from SNOW TUBING yesterday! ^_^). I am super-looking-forward-to-and-nervous-about my bowling tournament on Sunday, in which I think my team has a really good chance of doing well. Wish us luck! ^_^

~ J

Sliding

2010-03-07T19:16:00.002-05:00

My feelings at the moment are not surprising ... and yet, I'm surprised every time it happens. I guess because I either feel I should be able to predict it and stop it, or that maybe it won't be as bad as the last time ... or maybe, that I'm getting better and it just won't go that far.

I refer to the roller coaster that I know as depression, in which I will have a run of feeling amazing and happy, and then I feel it slowly slip away ... with only the ability to watch it go and wonder how long it will last.

I feel emotional at this point - I feel sad if I think about it, but I really couldn't tell you why. I have a good feeling that I will cry - at some point - during the Awards Ceremony. I feel even a bit hopeless, for no reason I suppose.

I want to go back to the happiness I know, the hope I feel ...

I guess, this feeling is different from others - possibly because it comes without reason, but mostly because I feel no control over it. Other times, when I know the cause, I know that there are things I can do to distract my mind ... to not necessarily make it go away but to give myself time to figure out how to make it go away ... or to at least curb it for some time again.

It's a simple cycle ... logical, circular ... and never ending. Every day is a learning process, just a small step to a greater goal ... and each one more important than the last, because each one is one closer. Every goal is followed by another goal, so there is no true "end" ... sure, the goal I'm working towards now seems the most important, but I know there is another one waiting for me ... more great, more fantastic, more important then the one I'm reaching for ... but I won't be able to look forward to it until I complete this one.

Right now I feel sad, I feel worried, I feel thoughtful ... but I think, most importantly, I feel lonely. It's the dominating feeling when this "surprise depression" comes about.
Loneliness is the worst of them all. It's the sense of being ... alone - singular, by one's self, isolated and unable to really express one's self.
So, perhaps I am writing this entry ... mostly to stop these words from running through my head, but I don't expect anyone to read; I don't expect anyone to comment; I don't expect anyone to care; and I don't expect anyone to really listen to me.

Perhaps this is a bit whiny, and perhaps it is a bit selfish. I don't really understand either, to be honest. I've been told in the past, time and time again, that I'm both of these things. Is it something that is fact or opinion. No one knows every last thing that's happen to me in life except for myself. Most of it I've kept to myself, and honestly ... it was because I believed these two things to be true of myself. The fact is, that I am neither. And sure, everyone is entitled to their opinions ... and you may think I am ... but you are judging that based on your knowledge of the word - your experiences and your thoughts. It really is a form of judgment, and I won't fault anyone for theirs (because I judge others too ... it's really human habit, I feel). The fact is ... I've hidden things, I've told half-truths and I've protected myself because of these words.

I will not be labeled, I will not defined by your definations and I will not let judgments bring me down. Sure, that sounds empowering and a step forward ... it's a long process I've been working at for awhile ... but if I write it down, where I know people are reading, where I know that I will have to be accountable ... perhaps I will stick to making that next step, starting that journey and aiming for that goal.

~ J

Oscarfest

2010-03-07T13:15:00.006-05:00

Yesterday, I went to a special event - a screening of all 10 films nominated for the "Best Picture" Oscar - henceforth known as "OscarFest". This was the second year M and I went ... this time bring the student living at her house instead of boys. Last year there were 5 films (one which all of us had seen beforehand so we were able to skip it) and we were there from 9 am-ish until the showing ended. This year, being the first year since 1943 that there are 10 films nominated (instead of 5) AMC had two different events - some theatres showed the 10 films over two Saturdays, some showed them all in one day. The closest to us (in Whitby) showed them all in one day, the first one started at 12 am.

I was up early Friday morning - planning to go somewhere but changing my mind aka 7 am wake up. Friday is when I bowl on my league, so three games in which (surprise!) I pushed myself a bit too much. Straight from the alley was to M's house, and straight from there to the theatre. We wanted to be there early to ensure we got tickets ... turns out we didn't need to rush - we heard a rumour that the theatre only sold 40-ish of the 200 tickets.

However, this worked out nicely for us. Last year, with 4 people and all their stuff, we were a bit cramped. This year between three of us we had our bodies / stuff on about 10-12 seats. In fact, I think the student slept through 4 or 5 of the movies we saw.

The first in our movie line up was supposed to be Avatar, but there was a problem with the film/projector ... so we moved into another theatre to watch "A Serious Man". I had really no interest in the movie, so I nodded off a little bit. Next, we moved back to the theatre we were in first to (finally) watch "Avatar". I (again) had no interest in the movie what-so-ever ... but I ended up staying awake for the whole thing. WOW. Visually. Awesome. Next movie was "Up", and I nodded off through most of it - very sad ;___;. After that was "District 9" ... in which I did sleep through (the theatre has arm rests that move up and down - so I laid out over three seats). I slept through the whole movie ... and if I ever desire to see it, my brother has it. Following that was "Inglourious Basterds", which I've already seen and loved - I was so excited to see in on the big screen! Next was "The Blind Side" ... but we missed the first half hour as we walked to a near-by Denny's to eat lunch ...still, what I saw I did enjoy.
The next three movies I was really looking forward to - "An Education" which was very disappointing. "Precious", which was an amazing well-done movie ... I was moved to tears, and could relate to some of the thoughts and feelings experienced by some of the characters. "Up in the Air" - which was a little predictable, but my favourite of all that I saw. We decided not to watch "The Hurt Locker" and left to go home.

Home and shower later, I was in my bed at 12:30 am ... for a total of 41 1/2 hours away from it. Today, I am sore and tired. I forced myself outside for a quick walk around the block (well, a slow leaisurely walk ... since it's a beautiful day) to help work my sore muscles, but to keep up with taking a walk a day (not just for the Blue & You Fitness Challenge, but for myself as well).

Today I have two scarf sections to work on ... they should have been mailed on Friday, but I didn't get one of them until Wednesday, and I've been feeling a bit stressed this week (possibly because of a little tiff between S and I from Tuesday night). Tonight is also the Oscar's, which I'm going to watch (surprise) ... I am not thrilled with some of the nominations ... but it's not my choice, is it? Perhaps a possible bath to soothe the muscles ... but otherwise a relaxing day.

And so ends my Oscar Movie-Watching adventure for 2010.
~ J

It's a slippery slope we slide

2010-03-03T14:34:00.003-05:00

I've promised much updates, so in the interest in getting my mind off of certain things (or people) ... let us be updated on those things!

Firstly, my adventure to the Purple Purl and the Knitty YarnRoundtable. For those that don't know, the Roundtable is a "yarn tasting" of sorts, to knit a few rows of yarn and review them for Knitty. Of course M and I went together. Of course we got lost, and of course we had a great time. There were a few yarns I ADORED. Afterwards there was a bit of a "draw", in which M got a skein of the yummy-yummy yarn we both liked. I got a book: The Felted Bag Book. LOVE IT! It has patterns for not only knitted, crochet and wet-felting ... but for "recycling". I am much looking forward to making some of these bags and clutches!

Next: University stuff. I did get some stuff in the mail from a couple of them, but they were missing information - namely, my high school transcript. Mur? I sent YRDSB the money to send it out. Turns out, there was a bit of crossed wires, but the transcripts went out last week. Now it's seriously a waiting game.

Next: The knitting. Ok, srsly? Knitting like WHOA. I was in 3 swaps and I finished the projects for all of them, 2 having already been mailed and received. The other one I still need to find a little something-extra. I had started a sock project in December, but kinda "forgot" how to hold the DPNs to make it work. However, on our way to the Roundtable I watched how M did it, and tried to commit to memory so I can pick them up again. I did, and I did. I finished the first sock the other week and am currently only a few rows from turning the heel of the second. Of course, there are a few mistakes in them. I am ... actually, not angry about that. I can look at them and not only say "I made these" but learn from them ... know where I make the mistakes and where I don't. The sad part is that I'm hooked.
M is going to be passing along some of her "left over" sock yarn ... all I have to do is pick up some black sock yarn, and I will have tons for making socks. Which means I might need to pick up more DPNs for socks.
Durrrrrr.

Now that I've updated that, I don't feel as lazy.
~ J

Golden

2010-02-26T12:19:00.007-05:00

Much celebrating happened last night as I watch the Canadian Womens Hockey Team win their 3rd straight Gold Medal. It was a great game, with some footwork I've not seen in even NHL games. Canada may not be # 1 in medal standing, but we are tied with Germany and the US for most gold medals ... and I suspect we have at least 2 or 3 more coming to us. Another reason I am utterly proud to be Canadian.

My New Year Secret Scarf reached it's destination of New Jersey this week and to a very sweet lady who crochets. I knit her a One-Row Handspun Scarf ... though the yarn was Cascade 220. I sent a few goodies - easy to pick out ... she likes candles and gardening! Hopefully she gets good use out of all three.

She left a quick message on the board, but I can't seem to find the detailed message she left in my Rav box ;__;

My scarf came today, along with some lovely flower seeds to get me started for the Spring! Thanks SO much, Princess Serenity :) It’s perfect!

I've added a button on the side menu, for Swagbucks.com. I rarely - if ever - promote myself on sites like these ... hell, rarely do I keep up with them. But in a time where saving every penny counts I can't resist. Swagbuck gives you "Swag Bucks" (hense the name) randomly as you do searches through their search engine (which pulls from Google.com and Ask.com), which you can redeem for useless stuff (computer wallpaper?) but also for gift cards that you would ACTUALLY use. If you feel like joining, click the button (give a girl a bit of credit LOL).

Next, M came to me the other day with, literally, the message "Can I talk you into a vacation?" Oh, yes please! She sent me a link and I was in love ... We're all booked up and ready to stay at the Little Lake Inn in Midland. We'll be staying in the Green Room ... HOW AWESOME IS THIS ROOM???? We are booked for 4 days/3 Nights ... and though I have a bit of family in the Midland area, I've never really been there. They have a walking tour of downtown with a whole bunch of cute shops. Hopefully I will find some nice gifts for a few loved ones.

So this ends the update ... Next time - University stuff (maybe) and update of what's been off the needles and what's making more progress on the needles ... w00t
~ J

St. Patrick's Day Swap

2010-02-23T11:22:00.008-05:00

Ah, the swap that had me holding my breath. This was the first swap I signed up for on Ravelry ... the first swap that I was going through the motions of. I received my partner at the start, and promptly made a face - there wasn't much information on them. Turns out, they weren't really around any more. So, after I had already picked out the yarn and the pattern I was informed that my partner might be changed. In the end, it was. Success though! I got a partner with much MORE information AND was in Canada (she actually lives within an hour or two drive from me!)

And so the project began! I choose the Irish Hiking Scarf Pattern (Rav Link) and started working. I had never worked with cables ... and though I wasn't a huge fan of how tight it made the stitches, I had the pattern memorized quickly. It knit up fairly quick, and I really enjoyed the yarn I used (Shepherd's Classic 100% Wool). I mailed it out with a bunch of other packages, knowing it would get there first. I don't have much to spoil a swapee with ... but I did my best. I was nervous when I saw it was delivered but she didn't say anything in the thread ... but her message came this morning and the sigh of relief happened!

Posted by Ladybug888:

I just got home and got the best surprise - a package! It came Friday (according to my other half), but I was away for the weekend. It was a great surprise to come home to. I had to giggle a little. The scarf pattern was familiar as I have knit this before. It’s actually one of my favorites and every time I make this pattern I say “this one will be for me” and without fail someone always convinces me to give it to them. Since this one was knit especially for me, there’s no way I’m parting with it! The notebook is so cute and I will use it to keep my “knitting notes”. Tomorrow morning, when I’m sipping my flavoured tea, I will be sending happy vibes to Princess Serenity. Thanks for the awesome gift.

Yay!
Pictures now, of the scarf and package!

I've been meaning to write about other things ... but I had the page open for 4 hours last night and had no idea what to write. Also, if you are a reader of this blog and notice the layout has changed (again) ... it's because sometime today I'm changing it. As much as I love this layout, it doesn't let ANYONE see where the links are in a post - AKA - FAIL.
~ J

Edit: New Layout! YAY! I even found a back-up one for when I get sick of this LOL. *Hopefully* everyone can see the links that have been posted in entries now. I don't just link things all willy-nilly!

Presents!

2010-02-19T23:16:00.009-05:00

OMG FINALLY!

My Valentine's Day present from S *finally* arrived. I teased him before finally telling him it was here, and he was amused with my SQUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEE! as I opened it.

Everything I got! My camera decided to DIE after the next picture, so I don't have up close of everything ... but there is 3 skeins of Berroco's Peruvia, the colour he got me is a blue/purple BEAUTIFUL! Also, three new patterns - they are for "hand warmer scarves" ... two of which I would actually make. The bag is so you can see where he bought everything from, Yarn Garden in NH. You may also see that he got me a DVD copy of "Amadeus", one of my most favourite movies! To the right, you can see a pack of DPNs in 5 mm, for making of the scarf for which the yarn was bought. The green notebook is for us to send "letters" back and forth (and remember what we said in the letters before LOL) ... and opened in the front is a very cute Valentine's Card. The camera did allow a close up of that:

This was TOTALLY worth the wait.
Next entry: squeeing over the Knitty YarnRoundTable in detail - aka: How the Purple Purl took my money and I'm not sorry for it!

~ J

Sucker love is heaven sent

2010-02-15T20:06:00.004-05:00

I haven't been writing much about feelings - well, the deeper stuff anyways. Those fears and insecurities that build up over time.

When I think about how I am, as far as handling and dealing with things, I feel very "rollercoaster-y". I do the climb, get to the top and everything is good ... then I fall - people worry when this happens, but then I'm up again, on a good ride and everyone is happy. The problem is, the ride stops, then starts again. I feel as though that long drop is inevitable. I feel that when everyone things I'm good, I'm really not ... and once people start to notice this, and reach out to help I've already done "something" to get back on the good ride - so they don't need to help, 'cause I'm "better".
The problem is, I have absolutely no idea how to reach out for help when I do need it. I don't know how to describe my issues, I don't know how to cope with bad things, and I don't know how to properly handle things. My ways of coping are self-destructive ... slowly, surely, but they are.

I have hopes and dreams ... and excuses. A reason why I don't really have to do it today, maybe tomorrow or in the near future.

...

And so ends this entry early. My apologizes ... I've just slipped into a bad place and no longer feel like talking it out in a blog post at the moment. Hopefully I'll finish these thoughts later.

~ J

Surprise Swap Presents!

2010-02-13T09:20:00.008-05:00

As some know, I've been waiting (VERY impatiently) for my Valentine's Day present from S ... not *just* because there is yarn and new patterns in there, but because of his letters, which are always my most treasured part of anything I get from him. However, USPS (and Canada Post) have really dropped the ball on these. I sent my package to him TWO WEEKS AGO, literally, 15 days ago ... and only *TODAY* will he get it. His package was shipped last Thursday, and still not here. Yes, I know ... allow time for delivery, especially during the holidays ... but mine was supposed to be 5-7 business days, and they told him 5 business days (we're now at 10 and 7 respectively).

Last night I did receive a package in the mail, unfortunately not him. FORTUNATELY, it was another swap package. This one is from the Heartfelt Handmade Swap (which M convinced me to join, so a THANKS SWEETIE goes out to her! LOL). In the package was a beautiful scarf and a wonderful handmade bag! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Pictures of the package (which came with a lovely note), a picture of just the bag, and a picture of the scarf. My swapper said she LOVED the penguin hat Colleen made for me, and picked a pink to match it, so a picture of them together.

I. Am. In LOVE!
Eve, from TN ... I LOVE what you've made ... I'm in awe!
THANK YOU!

~ J

Set Fire to the Third Bar

2010-02-10T14:41:00.004-05:00

Sad, sappy, romantic songs - that are used in trailers for movies that don't come with a happy ending ... are probably not a good idea to listen to on repeat.
Regardless, I'm in a reflective mood - mostly about my relationship.

However, good news first - Hair cut! FREE haircut, even. I got it cut closer to my head than I normally do, shorter than I've had in a while ... with ~~bangs~~ fringe. I am thrilled with it, though to maintain it properly might require me to *gasp* blow dry it every time I wash it. We'll see how ambitious I am when the time comes.

I got some emails confirming that my payment for my University application was received - even an email from one of the Universities confirming that they're processing my application. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm trying not to panic but I am at the same time. I feel good about this and at the same time I'm realistic. I'm not counting on this as my be-all-to-end-all. I have options as to my career - I'm still very much undecided - but at least I have a general direction and know what I want to do if school doesn't pan out. Unfortunately, with a medical condition to still be figured out, I can't make any major changes until it gets sorted. Does this feel like a cope-out? Yes, of course ... but with someone else's health also on the line with this, I feel I need to see it through until I can figure it out for both of us.

As far as S and I go, things are improving. Perhaps I've been spending too much time on the phone with him lately ... but I realized that the things I wanted to fix were perhaps a bit more with me than him per-say. I guess my true issue was with not feeling like my own person, and I'm owing into that a bit more (slowly) ... but still coming there more than before. I'm feeling better about us, but still not enough to "change" our relationship "status" ... I still want time to figure me out.

In any case, I've got a bit more on my mind at the moment, and need time to think it out.
w00t song with lyrics!
~ J

Cabling - Let's LIE and say it's tough! ^_~

2010-02-08T17:12:00.006-05:00

Well well ... I bit the bullet - and decided to try cabling. Of course, as the saying goes, "You've got to risk it to get the biscuit" so I decided to do cabling as part of a swap - SURPRISE - on a scarf.

I do apologize, as my camera and up-close shots do not get along so well. However, as you can see I'm working on the Irish Hiking Scarf (Ravelry link). The cables are coming out really well. I like the colour I'm working with, and I like that I only have one row that requires the actual use of a cable needle in the 8-row repeat. I'm not a huge fan of how slow it's going for me (TONS of flipping between knitting and purling) ... I'm also not thrilled with how tight my stitches are after the actual cabling - but I'm sure this comes with the territory. For now, I've got to keep forcing myself to work on it ... this needs to be done in less than a month!

As far as life goes, things are good. I've mailed off payments for all paperwork for University ... and now it's a sit-and-wait game. I've always been one to constantly change my mind about a career ... not necessary because I don't know what I want to do (it's part of it though), but I've always known that I want to do something where I can inspire and help people. Right now, doing something within law enforcement is on my mind lately ... so I keep wandering through sites to learn more. I still want to go to University, I still want my degree in Criminology, but it's the after part that's up in the air.

In the more immediate future, S and I are (slowly) trying to figure out when I can come visit him. I'm excited, I'm nervous. We've been through so much in the last 2+ months, that there really is no telling how things are going to go. In the past, our "visits" back and forth became more to do with physical-together-ness than anything else ... I need to know we can be more. Right now it's the tiring process of figuring out the hotel to stay at, how much money is actually required (at minimum). We're planning for 8-9 days together (which means 11 days there and traveling for me) ... but I realize that seeing him again is critical for us figuring out where our relationship is at. Sure, things are better, we're talking more often, laughing tons and things feel like they used to ... -ish. Being in person is so different.
Every time I visited New England (NH, VT, etc) I've been out of my element. I don't like that. I was also 18/19 the two years I went for long term visits. I've grown up quite a bit since then, and I've been coming into my own just recently. It's important that I go, but I'm nervous just the same.

The list of WIPs has been updated as I get more progress on knitting, but there's still much to do. I'm thinking I might take a day this week and spit out the things I want to make for the February Challenge of Fiber Swaps (my turn to ship first Colleen!)

~ J

Oh, you clever shrew!

2010-02-04T18:01:00.005-05:00

Oh, the clever things I've done.

In the Traveling Canadian Scarf, M and I have planned to save the scarves up, and make only only shipment a month, in the interest of saving costs. We shipped both of our scarves at the same time, and planned to ship the next two a month later. Well, that deadline is tomorrow ... and as of this morning both scarves were sitting on my desk with nothing knit. So, I picked up the first one I was supposed to do and got it on the needles to knit - 30 stitches - WONDERFUL! I used the same pattern as the scarf I'm making for New Year's Secret Exchange (can you tell I love this pattern?). Bing-bam-boom ... done in 2 hours. Next came the second one - 40 stitches. Boo. That doesn't work for either pattern I've been working on recently. Then I got a brilliant idea ... I've been thinking dishcloths lately, so I wondered if I could find a pattern, that called for a cast on of the same number of stitches I had ... with a picture the original scarf-starter would like. Bada-boom, I did! Teapot, For The Win! After searching for an hour or so I came across the pattern and sat down to (slowly) work ... slowly, as in I was watching TV, playing games on Pogo and stopping to make sure I made no mistakes.

M was kind enough to give me some left-over fingering weight yarn (since I don't have any) and I knit it held double ... though, try as I might, the colours didn't stay lined up for long. However, I feel a *touch* awesome for my amazing idea.

It's not necessarily the prettiest thing ever, but I'm proud at my clever idea to add to the scarf.
Then, not only did I finish the scarf, take pictures for myself ... but I was able to run to the post office and have it ship out today. Got there with 5 minutes to spare.
I. Am. Awesomesauce.

Now, I'm on the phone with S, who is teasing me with my Valentine's Day present. I know he bought me a knitting "book" with "scarf" patterns. The book comes with three patterns, and though there is one I won't do, I'm a touch excited about the other two. It's called "Handwarmer Scarves" and I'm nervous and anxious to see it! Not only did he buy the pattern, but apparently he bought me the yarn to do one of the projects with, complete with a few notions! AND ... to top things off, he received many compliments from the ladies at the LYS he went to about the scarf he was wearing ... the one I made for Christmas!

Oh, this pick-me-up was sorely needed. Of course, this wonderful feeling all started with my ** FREE ** hair colouring. I'm utterly thrilled to be a Red-Head again!

The Shrew,
~ J

January Challenge - What I made

2010-02-02T18:35:00.006-05:00

Colleen finally got her package *Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!* Which means I can now post the pictures of the scarf I made and the package I sent out to her!

I'm so glad you loved your package! Can't wait to do this again for the February Challenge! (Already got an idea, just need to sit down and knit!)
~ J

The Good, The Bad, The Tasty

2010-02-02T15:40:00.009-05:00

Today has been a tough day already, and it's not even 4 pm.

This morning I woke up, to almost instantly get a call from the sleep study. I've been screened out of the study, due to the fact that I have moderate sleep apnea. For those who are unaware, sleep apnea is when, during your sleep, you stop breathing, multiple times even, for at least 10 seconds. I spoke to S only a few days ago about him possibly having this, so I do not relish the panic he will have when I tell him about mine tonight. I am calm at the moment, but still nervous and worried.

I decided after watching my crime shows that I should find food, and figured I deserved something tasty - ergo, pizza. I walked to the mailbox first - 1) to mail the money order for my University applications and 2) to see if my swap package had arrived. I mailed the money order, though my anxiety over that is high. However, I did it. It's in the mail and the next step is to get my transcripts forwarded to the Universities.

In the mail was my "pick-me-up" - My Swap package from Colleen! ^_^ YAY! The theme for the January Challenge was "Things your Swapee likes". I got a 4-pack of gum, chapstick (vanilla mint flavour), a journal (pink and black checkered), a ball of yarn and a penguin hat! I love, love, love it! The perfect pick-me-up.

We now bring you back to your regularly scheduled crafting.
~ J

Every Me and Every You

2010-01-31T11:43:00.005-05:00

I've been bouncing an entry idea, well two actually, around in my mind for a few days. One, a realization that shook me to the core; the other a confession, a sort-of lie I've been telling for years. The fear of being judged radiates madly around these two - one, a topic of food; the other, my past.

Today, I am not in a good place. Last night I called S, having had a discussion earlier in the day and put two and two together, that he might suffer from a sleep condition. I felt compelled to tell him, guilty because I might have known about it. Guilty because I should have asked questions, I should have tried to help. It took a ton of courage from me, the guilt shaking me. He was interrupted from listening to me, but didn't feel the need to tell me. This made things worse - not about him, but me. We continued to talk, but I didn't feel right about any of. Yes, I constantly worry about this - the where are we going, can we be fixed - is it an "us" that needs to be fixed, or a "him" and "me"?

He stayed up into the night to do some thinking (and talked to his friend about a few things) ... I faked sleep for the night, and was woken up by his call. We only talked briefly this morning, but I lashed out at him - blaming him for only doing things that keeps "us" together, accusing him of only caring about himself and "us". I feel my argument is justified, but what if I blinded?

Today, I am in a desperate place. I'm trying to keep my hands, my eyes, my mind busy but that only works for so long. I find myself drawn to Wikipedia pages, looking for a condensed version of the information I crave and still feeling overwhelmed with the technical terms. Can everything really be so black and white? What if I think this is happening to me, but I don't satisfy every condition? What if I'm too ashamed to talk about this with others?

Today I played games online, I knit, I watched a movie, I read Wikipedia pages, I considered joining "Depression Forums" again, and I listened to songs - hoping to find relief for the anguish in my mind. I watched Rachel Getting Married ... and though I've never had a drug problem, I identified highly with the main character. I felt a connection to her struggle, her fight, her thoughts and emotions - clearly not the reprieve I had hoped for. I listened to Metallica - St. Anger - hoping for relief. Nothing, of course. It's never about the melody, but the words and the order in which their sung. "I'm madly in anger with you".

Today, I listened to the song "Every You, Every Me" by Placebo - a song used in a movie I've never seen. However, this melody, these words - shook me greatly. Sometimes a good cry is necessary but this seems to be a step back for me today. I feel silly and foolish and yet I'm still here, still writing, still hoping for relief. I spent a good deal of time crying, listening to the song on repeat (going on 30 minutes at this point).

Today I consider telling my secrets, but I'm still scared. Perhaps, one day I will be able to tell them in greater detail then the cryptic message I have written today. Perhaps one day I will trust the world enough to face my fears and the judgment and move past them.

Today I can tell you I'm scared - terrified - and worried about being alone for the next 7 hours. I can tell you I don't know how to ask for help, I don't know how to talk about what I'm going through. I spend all my time trying to "justify" my suffering based against everyone else's pain, but I'm only making things worse. I suffer because I allow myself to suffer, because I can't move past these things.

This entry may make sense, most likely it doesn't. I do enjoy being vague - it's a way for me to clear my mind but hide from the judgment of coming right out and saying "this is what's wrong".

I know the first step in getting help - for anything - is admitting you have a problem. Today, I will work on finding the strength to do that.
~ J

The Sleep Study

2010-01-28T13:03:00.004-05:00

As some of you may (or may not) have noticed, I've added a list of current WIPs on the side bar of the blog. Some may also noticed that I changed the layout. I'm fickle, I like pretty things and sometimes a change is necessary. Reasons for this change - the girl in the header looked sad and I wanted to change that.

Right now I'm tired and drugged, so if some of this makes no sense or is rife with errors, my apologizes! Last night I did my "screening sleep" for The Sleep Study. This was the sleep to qualify, so I did perhaps try my best to sleep in the most uncomfortable position, but it wasn't necessary - I counted 25 wires attached to me to monitor my sleep. I spent the night on my back, and have been seriously paying for it since I woke up. I also got to enjoy a freezing cold shower (no hot water left) and I STILL didn't get all the gel-y stuff out of my hair. Next time I will remember to bring my pain-pills to take first thing in the morning. However, I'm hopefully that I'll get in ... we'll know soon enough.

Now that I have the WIPs list, I can spend more time writing about the projects I'm actually working on.
Crafty Things!
-- S's Valentine's Day Scarf - almost done with my third ball on this ... not sure if I will add one more or not, but I might consult him on the length of scarf he would enjoy the most. I don't mind adding one more ball, but that would mean I spend the next week only knitting this to have it done in time to ship out
-- St. Patrick's Day Swap - I'm knitting a scarf for this (SURPRISE!) and since I got a new partner I had to go out to a LYS for more yarn - she doesn't like acrylic at all (and that's what I had bought for the other person!) However, I was lead to a beautiful shade of green that I just could not resist for this. Cables or not, I will get this started soon!
-- New Year's Scarf Exchange - I got my partner for this, and she also likes green. Lucky for her, the LYS had a sale on Cascade 220 in a beautiful forest green. I'm thinking of doing a One Row Handspun scarf for this, but I will keep looking to see if there's something else I like

So as of right now I'm hungry, cold, sore, exhausted and I have to start knitting.
Thank GOSH for True Crime shows!
~ J

The Motivation Project

2010-01-25T10:59:00.003-05:00

I've been bouncing this idea around in my head for a few days, so I hope I can write it out in a way that makes sense to anyone who reads this.

Since being laid off in November, I haven't done much. Of course, I could try to explain this away as a "mourning period" when S was forced to stay in the States, the dealing with being alone with at Christmas and after New Years when our relationship was shook up. The thing is ... I can't let that stop me or my life.
My problems lie within the little things. I eat when I'm hungry, but I'm not hungry all the time. I'm back to only eating one meal a day, not returning emails or phone calls. This is due to my laziness - how much easier it is to sit at the computer with a Diet Pepsi and play games, listen to podcasts and knit. I stop for dinner, sure, but that's because my mom worries - not necessarily because I want to. I noticed she started making dinners I enjoy more and more, as if trying to get me to eat.
I thought I was doing ok - I was still going out to the Knit group, or bowling or out on Saturday with M. The fact of the matter is, I'm being lazy and sloth-y and I don't really like it.

Life is starting to move a bit fast - I can't be sitting down and watching it pass any more. However, though I have many things that can and should motivate me - they don't. Either there wasn't enough there to truly motivate me, or perhaps it wasn't the right motivation or perhaps being lazy was more appealing.

Of course, everyone has a breaking point. I called S on Friday, and he related some information about the physical he had to take for his job. There was a certain piece of info - while upsetting to me - seemed to be the push I needed to find a way to stay on top of this. Even though I am utterly embarassed by this, putting it in the blog will help in my motivation.

...

S weighs less than me. By a significant amount.

Of course, I'm only guessing at my weight, as the last time I weighed myself was with the scale at my last job. However, there is no way I've lost enough weight to come close to him.

I am frustrated - at myself, mostly. How did I let this get so bad? How could I? Things have to change, and they have to change NOW!

So, I've decided to use the thing keeping me from changing as the motivation - the "reward" - for keeping up with it.

I will write out a list of things I need to do on a daily basis. Some will be things I need to do before I get on the computer or pick up the knitting. Some will be things to do throughout the day (aka: eat). If I keep it up for two weeks straight - I get a reward.

I know the first part will be difficult, as I've heard that it takes about 21 days for new habits to stick ... and for someone who doesn't eat three meals a day, it would be a "new" habit.

So I have dubbed this "The Motivation Project"! I'm figuring out a way to keep track of my progress on the blog, but I was thinking of setting it up like this:
Every two weeks of doing EVERYTHING on the list (unless there is a legit excuse not to) will result in the "reward". If I miss something out of laziness, the timer resets. Rewards should go in approximately this order:
-- Buy the pattern (something with multiple colours if I can)
-- Buy the yarn, colour by colour (only buying one colour at a time to stretch this out)
-- Buy needles if needed
-- Spend one day knitting (after motivating things done for the day)

I know this will give me a WIP that will take a long time. However, the motivation to buy a special pattern, the chance to use knitting to help me get back on track is a pretty decent idea, I think.

Hopefully this makes some sense!
~ J

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right

2010-01-20T22:55:00.009-05:00

Craft-wise, things are going pretty well. I've stopped worrying that the "fruits of my labours" aren't good enough - that maybe people will appreciate them. Maybe, one day, what I make will be loved as much as I loved making them.

Off the Needles:
-- Scarf for Colleen. YAY! Hopefully this will get into the mail tomorrow or Friday. I still need to pick up some goodies, but hopefully I will find them soon *crosses fingers*

On the Needles:
-- *NEW* Valentine's Day Scarf - there really is no need to tell who it's first, I'm sure everyone can guess. I bought 4 balls of Viking SportsRagg to make a scarf and hat from, and I've finished 1 ball and completed 1/3 of the scarf!
-- Pink/Purple Blanket - Ugh. Will finish this one day
-- 1st pair of Socks - Double Ugh. Will fix that mistake someday
-- Jorge's Blanket - Slowly working on this week by week ... I still figure I'll finish this in time for his birthday

Now, for the personal stuff - because, you know, if you putting the knitting update first you can get in the personal stuffy at the bottom.

I have many fears in life - some which can be avoided, some which can't - insects, heights, the dark. The worst of these fears is the thought of being judged. Most days I can get away with not thinking about it, not focusing on it. I remove myself from social situations for this reason and sometimes, even in the company of trusted loved ones I have these feelings. However, it's there, it's what I struggle with and I find it tough to deal and talk about this with others.

At the same time, I've seemed to develop the ability to notice my bad thinking. When thoughts of "I'm worthless, I'm useless, I'm unloved" come up, I'm (slowly) able to take a step back and literally watch myself have these thoughts, but not feel the overwhelming truth that I used to feel ... instead, I see a sad, lonely girl still confused. She's frightened, and entitled to that feeling but I'm now able to tell her that she is worth something, she is needed and loved and that if someone can't see that, maybe that's their problem.

In a round-about way, this leads me to the events of tonight. On my way home I was upset, fully intending to either completely rant about the event on the blog (just to have someone listen to my side of the story) or (more likely) swallow my thoughts, feelings, and opinions and bottle things up once again. When I got home, I was actually able to talk to my Mom. She was very sympathetic, not able to offer any advice but to lend an ear and a cup of tea. I worried, on the way home, that I would have to bottle everything up - with the two people I would normally turn to not able to help (one not wanting to get involved and one who would badmouth everyone involved).

I've been home for a few hours, with some time to reflect on the situation. Yes, I could write about my feelings, I could write about my anger, I could write about the injustice I felt at the situation. You know what? None of that matters. At the end of the day, you realize that as long as you're true to yourself nothing else matters. Am I going to feel awkward going back to this group - if I go back - yes, of course. Do I harbour ill feelings? At the situation, and at the lack of chance to voice my opinions - but those are my demons, my fights to speak up for myself. Am I upset at the reactions people had - I was. At the end of the day, I need to live with myself, I need to be happy with the way I reacted and with the things I said and did.

So, this is very vague. I hope so. I know I am the type of person not to forget, and to harbour small grudges - this is an excellent test for me to let things go. A part of me still wants to tell my side of the story - but if they didn't want to listen then, they won't now. There is no "better person" here per say, but there is an opportunity for my own personal self discovery and growth - and I'm not going to let this opportunity pass me by.

So, here's to the first step in the right direction. Hopefully I'm ready for step two - whenever that comes up. (Step Two might involve my relationship with S - whatever it is - and being open and honest about it. More on this later.)
~ J

Stuck in the middle with you

2010-01-14T17:32:00.005-05:00

I wasn't planning on updating for a bit, but I've got something on my mind and I need to let it out.

Life has been throwing a lot my way lately, and I think I've been handling it pretty well. However, two opportunities opened at the same time and I (foolishly) thought I could do both - one is a chance to spend my life working at a job that I love, the other is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to explore parts of the world. Now, without going into much detail I will admit that I want, nay, NEED both of these. I would be FOOLISH to ignore the window of opportunity to do one or both of these. However, decisions to do both of these were made when I had a job, and a second income coming in and a possibility of doing both.

As I crunch numbers, look at the time and commitment they both require I am terrified that I will have to choose between them. Again, this springs up the fear of choosing, and making the wrong choice, and having people angry at me for making a choice they didn't like -- and even if these fears are unfounded ... they are there.

I have put away money towards this vacation, however, something for the education for the job has come up (aka: more than I thought for the application process). In my mind, the education should be more important than the vacation ... but why do I feel guilt for putting this first? I wish I could explain it.

I am worried that if I commit to the education, and make it my first priority that I will lose the opportunity for the vacation. I am worried that I can't do both. I am worried that I will have to work through school to make it happen, but have my schooling suffer (been there, done that, DON'T want to do it again).

*sigh* I don't want to depend on anyone else anymore to make my dreams come true ... and yet, once again I find myself worried that I will have to.

Hopefully the right answer will be clear soon.
~ J

You are the Thunder

2010-01-12T12:00:00.005-05:00

I wanted to write here sooner, but owing to an event that happened I felt I owed it to someone to tell them first before I wrote it out here (as I thought if I was in their shoes, reading it on a blog is not how I would want to find out about it) but it's all good now!

First, and foremost - the "I'm a Knitter" line has been crossed and finally put to rest. I kept inching towards this "line of no-return" wondering if this or that would be the thing that "finally" made me a knitter. Well WONDER NO MORE! I put my foot over the line when I got hooked on my first knitting podcast, Lime & Violet, pondering what I could do to keep my other foot rooted in the world of "not obsessed with knitting" ... but I must have used that line as a starting point, and I took off running Friday night -- I brought the knitting to my bowling league. My reasoning? I needed to finish the scarf that was on the needles because I had more projects that NEED to be knitted and I NEEDED those needles to do it. Surprisingly, most people were impressed with my knitting and I got a quite a bit done!

This does lead into what's OFF my needles! Yes, OFF!

DUN DUN DUN! This is my wonderful, beautiful pink scarf. This is now the first thing I've knit for ME that I'm proud of! I knit this because M knit one (in much darker colours) and then used it as the start for her Traveling Canadian Scarf (TCS) ... so I attempted to add on to hers in the same pattern. Thanks to my "Knitting for Dummies" book I was able to figure out the stitch that concerned me (knit into the back) ... and once I did ... OMG I HAVE TO MAKE ONE FOR ME. So here it is. The pattern is One Row Handspun Scarf, though my yarn isn't handspun (sad).
The second thing off my needles is The Shamrock, a dishcloth. However, I suspect something happened to the yarn, since there is a smell that made me sick to my stomach as I knit and I've come to hear that the yarn should not have any smell remotely close to what I was smelling. Also, this was my first time following a pattern, as in each row is a different from the row before it ... and I did make a mistake (knit when I should have purled or the other way around) ... and instead of tinking back to fix it I kept going, only to realize 12 rows later that I REALLY needed to fix it. So it's knit, but since it's for a swap I might knit it again, since it's a touch smooshed and a touch smelly LOL.

On the Needles:
-- Pink & Purple Blanket: it's yelling at me. I flip it off. We have a love-hate relationship
-- The Harry Potter Muffler: You know, I probably *should* do this. But since the needles I need to finish it I'm using for other things for swaps, it can wait (yay legitimate excuse! LOL)
-- The First Socks: Impressively, the urge to touch it came up last night! Unfortunately, I goofed and forgot how to knit it. Yes, I FAIL. So I have to tink back what I did (slowly, as it's super tiny needles and SUPER tiny stitches) and hopefully I can pick it up again soon
-- Jorge's Baby Blanket: Still on # 3 scarf for the blanket, but I've bought the green yarn to make the rest of it! ^_^
-- One Row Scarf for Colleen: Not sure if she reads this ... if so HI COLLEEN!!!
Part of me wants to keep going, in the hope that even if I don't entirely love it she will ... but a (very large) part of me is a perfectionist. I don't really want to send along something I'm not proud of. So I worry. I don't like the feel of being judged (I know, difficult, as we as people are judge constantly on everything) but the thought of it brings up quite a bit of anxiety and panic, so anything I can do to combat that is a good day in my book. I will possibly post the pic on Ravelry and see how it goes!

What's GOING to be on the needles:
I have joined quite a few swaps ... so for my St. Patrick's Day partner I'm going to try a cabled scarf, and I've joined 2 other scarf swaps (along with my on-going Fiber Pals swap and TCS) ... can you see a pattern? Not only do I feel proud making scarves ... I can actually make them AND I totally enjoy them! Srsly, does anyone want a scarf? I WILL MAKE YOU ONE!

Now, on to life-ish things. I went on a date. Yes, a DATE. A real life "I don't know you and you don't know me, so lets go to dinner to see if we have things in common and a connection and see where this goes". Of course, I put him on a bit of a pedestal because he was a fireman - and it wasn't entirely for the sexy aspect. He saves lives for a living, and I'm in complete awe of that! So, we met for dinner and it was over and done with like that. He was sweet and polite and cute, and he bought me dinner ... but there was no spark, no chemistry. The funny thing was ... it scratched my itch! I can now say I've been on a real date (in a sense of the word), and I'm no longer craving it. There is one more person I'm talking with that I would like to meet, just because I've never met someone who loves classical music as much as I do, so it would be interesting! However, I no longer have any desire to date anyone else ... so we'll see what happens between S and I. I've had an update on how he is and what's going on, but nothing has been significantly changed yet ... so I'm a bit disappointed, but not entirely surprised. I guess because I know how I feel, I know how he feels and I have a good idea what's going to happen between us ... I just don't want to compromise to be happy. I'm trying very hard to stand by this.

So, that's what happening with me. Hope everyone is well!
~ J

I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you want to cry

2010-01-05T19:58:00.005-05:00

Well Sir, to say that the last few days has been tough is a complete understatement, but I'm standing by my decision, knowing that it's for the best.

Crafting Pictures: w00t.
The Scarves - knitted for t3h Brother and S.
Brother's:

For S:

Both are mufflers, so cast on and knitted in the round (thankfully ... SO much easier than flipping the needles back and forth for stupid stockinette). Both were CO 60, S's came out a bit longer, but he's a bit taller than Brother, so it worked. S's also matches the sock's that M knitted him for Christmas. Not done on purpose, but ironic in the end. Hopefully he will get a picture of him wearing both at the same time soon.

On the needles now:
-- Jorge's blanket - now on the third scarf out of 7 for making a blanket. I still have to go pick up the green for the blanket, hoping to hit a LYS soon to get it.
-- Socks - still have not been touched since I CO. The Sock Gods are crying about this. They mock me from atop the TV
-- Harry Potter Muffler - that thing is still kicking around somewhere? Geez ... maybe I should do something with it.
-- Pink/Purple Blanket - it mocks from the chair, laughing at me for attempting it. If I didn't have 80+ increases to do to it, I might consider touching it
-- Traveling Canadian Scarf - From a swap of sorts ... everyone knits the start of a scarf, 6 inches or so and then sends it off to the next person. The scarves get past around until it comes back to you, a complete (ugly, random) scarf. Cool idea, though!
-- Pretty in Pink Scarf - cast on tonight, from a pattern M showed me, created by the Yarn Harlot. Who the hell would have guessed I'd want to knit a Yarn Harlot pattern. Not me, my friends, not me.

LOOK AT THIS WIP LIST.
OMGWTFBBQ am I a knitter now?

KTHXBYE!
~ J

Bring me to life

2010-01-02T23:57:00.005-05:00

This entry is going to be about a very difficult, sudden event that happened. I want to make clear that these are my thoughts, my feelings, and my opinions - no one else's. I want everyone to know that though I mean no harm or disrespect to anyone ... the fact is I can not keep this locked in my head and nor do I want to.
To S - I'm sorry.

After my tossing and turn on the Itch Issue, I phoned S Wednesday night and related my thoughts to him. After humming and hawing over the issue, I promised to stay with him ... that though the thoughts and feelings might not go away, he was more important than those urges. We made plans for our next phone call - I asked him to call Friday night, since he was going to his friend's for a New Years Eve party. He insisted on calling at Midnight on NYE, and promised.

So of course, I spend my NYE counting down to 2010, thankful that 2009 would be over soon. Midnight came and went with no phone call. I considered calling him, worried that he was stuck at his folk's house with no way to call me. I decided at 1:30 am to go to bed and figure it out in the morning. As I laid down - the phone rang. Guess who.

I was angry - with good reason, of course ... this happens a lot when he's with his friends - they seem to come first. This does not bother me per say ... I just wish that we would tell me the truth about it. ANYWAYS ... first he said he forgot to call, then not 20 minutes later said he had remembered but decided not to.
This was, essentially, the lie that broke the camel's back.

My heart finally screamed enough. Enough of the lying. Enough of putting the wrong people first. Enough of being in a relationship where both people only care about one person.
I called for a break. I called for a few months of taking care of ME, of being around people who care about ME.

This happened almost 30 minutes into our phone call ... we were on the phone for 3 hours. I took off the diamond ring ... it's funny how naked I feel without it. The house is a terrible place to be right now ... my bed is a terrible place to sleep. His scent is EVERYWHERE. I can't make it go away. Maybe it's for the better that Mom & Dad want to move in a few months. I'm not looking forward to packing up his things.

I am utterly tempted to date other men. Whether I will or not remains to be seen. For us to get back together a lot of things need to happen ... we both have to get ourselves to a better place - mentally, emotionally. He doesn't need to put me first per say ... but he needs to up front with whose important in his life - not tell me I am, and then care about him and his friends more. I spent 7 years putting him above me, above my friends, above my family and have only a truly broken heart to show for it.

I know I keep asking him to stop saying things and PROVE what he says ... I also know how incredibly difficult that request was/is. I truly think that if he felt the way he said, he would have at least tried to.

I have now completed day two of being "single" for the first time in 7 years. This feels weird, and awkward ... but it's right. It's needed. I have always felt that if we were meant to be, we would be. My love for him will never fade, but love can change.

Yes, I am feeling lost without his voice, his constant contact. I know this is right for us, and I'm thankful he agreed. I can't speak for him, for his thoughts and feelings ... I know him well enough to guess that there is a chance he agreed to this because he would rather give me the space I need then to risk being without me ... I just want to know that he wants to be with me because he loves, cares and desires me ... and not because he's scared to be alone.

The journey of thousand miles begins with one single step.
~ J