Latch'n'Knit

I know where my thoughts are going ... I know this is going to be a long week ... I know I just need a place to write this down because I need to say it "out loud" (so to speak) and speaking into the void just never cuts it.

I'm slipping back into a horrible depression. The one where that tiny voice gets very loud and points out all the reasons I'm not "anything enough". The one that points out all the bad, wrong things ... those things that, while I've accepted I deal with and I no longer have to attempt for the perfection I know will never happen ... the little things that bug me. Perhaps because I deal with them in silence, perhaps because I worry about them ...

Either way I feel the sting of tears that won't come. Fears and anxieties that won't find words to be expressed. Insecurities that have never really gone away.

S is on the phone with me, wanting to know what's wrong. How can I put this into words that make sense? So many things that circle around and around ... and, in that moment of truth when someone is listening and I can just get it all off my chest ... I choke, because - above all - I'm tired of being pitied. I wish that talking about it could make me feel better, and I wish that I had the strength to pull myself out ... but as I give myself the space to let this take its course, if only for a few days, I worry that I fall deeper and deeper.

I feel so inadequate.
~ J